When watching TV I heard “I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back.” Now, I have heard the phrases “have your back” and “have my back” a lot recently, but the way she said it stirred up some thoughts for me. Whose back do I have and who has my back?
Friends and family are very important, but as much as we wished friends and family would be there for us in a crisis, are they truly there? Are you there for your friends and your family?
In my practice as a mental health counselor, intuitive coach and psychic medium, I often talk with clients about two situations in their life. One is asking for what they need and the other is about setting boundaries. I will discuss boundaries in a later writing.
Healthy relationships are relationships where there is a healthy exchange of energy. When one person does it all, carries all the weight, eventually this person will become resentful or lose their power and become ill.
When one takes and takes without giving back, eventually people around them either leave the relationship or the one who takes without giving back ends up suffering from low self-esteem. This could be masked by an arrogant or narcissistic attitude, but nevertheless, when they are alone, they do not feel good about themselves. They begin to focus externally on what they own, what they have and what they do. Then somehow who they are gets lost.
This spring as you get out more, think about your relationships and whether they are balanced or not. William Glasser says we all have four basic needs. They are for Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun. Take some time to write out a list of your friends and your family. Next to each name write out on a scale from one to ten with ten being the most fulfilled, how much does this relationship satisfy your need for Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun?
You may even want to talk with your loved ones and see how much you satisfy their needs in this area as well. Is it possible that you spend most of your time talking and complaining and not listening to them at all?
When you are involved in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need from the other person. If they are not able to meet this need, they can say so and you are free to get your need met elsewhere. You are able to depend on them to be there for you when they can. At times friends and family choose to do things they do not want to do because they love you and support you. It is essential they can also say no when they do not want to do what you ask.When you are in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need!Click To Tweet
It is common for women in particular to do what they don’t want to do because they are afraid of losing a friend or lover. And it is true this may happen. But if this is the case, it is important to re-evaluate the relationship. Is fear the motivating factor in your relationship?
This issue is important to me at this time in my life. As I look back over the last few years, I realize that my push to get my doctorate, publish my books and carry on a full-time private practice, left me depleted and I had very little time or energy for my friends. I realized how important self-care is not only to me, but my commitment to take care of myself affects my friends as well.
Do you have a friend in your life that takes on too much, is always pushing the envelope, or living within the margins as I wrote in an earlier blog. Could this be the way you are living your life?
Evaluate your friendships and family relationships and see what you can do to move them into balance. If you give too much, allow yourself to pull back and give to yourself, time and space. If you find you have been selfish and not given to friends at all, allow yourself to “get out of yourself” and give to those you love.
Enjoy journaling! A few Soul Stems to play with!
The person who has my back is . . .
I am out of balance in my relationship with . . .
If I felt (name) had my back then . . .
Take the time to have your own back as well!