Blog – Page 41

Clearing the Past

January 3, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Much of what I have taught over the years has been about manifesting and creating the life you want. In order to do this, often you have to bring the past into present time to heal. What I mean by this is that when you focus on the past and live in the past, your life is controlled by what you felt and thought in the past. What happens is you continue to feel those feelings in the present. Living in the past leaves no room for what you are experiencing in the present. Living in the past, having your thoughts and feelings consumed by the past, can also control your future. Your past becomes your future.

Living in the past can create depression.

Living in the future can create anxiety.

When I talk about healing the past, what I hear most is “how do I do that?” Well, there are many modalities for healing the past. One that I teach is to become aware of the memories and the wounds. Feel them and change your beliefs around them. Your feelings are a result of your beliefs. Often your beliefs flitter so quickly in your mind, you have difficulty noticing them, grabbing them and examining them.

The ones you can identify is where to start. In your journal, write out a list of people and situations where you have been hurt or angry. Allow yourself to feel your feelings as you remember. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Look at where you may have contributed to the situation. Take inventory of your own actions. You can use the successful process from the Big Book of AA. When taking inventory, write out where you were selfish, self-centered, frightened, or to blame.

Now, you may not have had any responsibility in the situation, especially if you were a child. In that case, look at what was going on in the other person’s life at the time.

People do the best they can at the time. Sometimes their best is destructive and hurtful to others, but it still is the best they can do with the awareness, teachings and the consciousness they have at the time. Are there some things you would like to do that you don’t do? Are there things you do that you wish you didn’t? Have you behaved in the past in ways you would not behave today because you know better? No one is perfect

Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up pain or fear.

You may have had desires, demands or expectations of someone. Then you find they didn’t either give you what you wanted or they behaved in ways that hurt you.

If this is so and is in the past, in order to heal yourself and move on, you can forgive them. If it is a present situation, then you can make choices on how you choose to handle the situation. If choose to continue to stay in a destructive situation, it is your choice. The responsibility then becomes yours. You cannot blame the other person when you choose to stay. What happens when you blame someone else is, they then have the power to change the situation and you become a victim. When you take responsibility for your choices, you remain empowered and in control of your life.

If you still have a lot of pain or anger about the situation, write out what happened to you. You can write it over and over until the “sting” or “charge” is gone. You may want to read it over and over to a safe, loved one until it is no longer controlling you. You can forgive and move on. This does not mean you agree with what happened, it just means it no longer controls you.

Only you have the ability to clear your past and live fully in present time, thus giving you the power to create the life you want to live.

Clearing frees you to live in present time.

Commitment

January 2, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

As stated in the last blog, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment is to bring myself closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.

Truly, I understand with relationships there are so many components. There is setting boundaries, compromise, compassion, clear communication, perspective and the list is nearly endless. In this 30 day Blog Challenge, I will share with you about my process (probably similar to yours,) in the area of relationships.

Hope you have chosen a word for this year as well. It can be one to focus upon to joyfully bring into your life or to focus upon and create a growth spurt. Music was an expansive word for me in 2013. I welcome Relationships in 2014, to challenge me to grow.

The Ugly Duckling

January 1, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

November 1843, Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.

The story, as you probably know, is about a baby bird raised by a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.

Common to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded. We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.

So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.

Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.

What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?

My focus is on Relationship for the New Year. I challenge you in the month of January, and hopefully throughout the year, to practice “just listening.”

Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.

Relationships – Word for 2014

December 27, 2013 by @candesscampbell

In the midst of the holidays which are full of fun, family and chaos; it is a good idea to take some quiet time. I know, it is so busy, there are gifts to buy and family to feed and . . .

The idea of the holiday takes over the Spirit of the holiday. What is the Spirit of the holiday for you? Take some time to determine this for yourself. Give voice to your beliefs, even though you may be the only one who is listening. What is obvious about this time of year is letting go of the old and bringing in the new. So what is it about 2013 you want to let go of? What is it from the first time you opened your eyes and awakened to this world until now that doesn’t support you any longer. What do you want to leave behind?

If you believe that what you focus upon increases, what is it that you want to focus on this New Year? Taking some quiet time, even 20 minutes to journal or meditate will make a big difference in your life. If you meditate be sure to jot down some thoughts afterward. Your Higher Self or Guides may share with you some important information.

Choosing a word a year words best for me. Rather than having a list I don’t complete, I like to focus on something I want to increase or bring sacredness to in order to thrive. Before 2014 begins, I image the end of 2014 and the changes I would like to see manifest and then begin the year afresh.

My word for this year is relationships. By the end of 2014 I will have deeper relationships and spend more quality time with those I love. I will understand their needs and how they receive love so that I can be present to them. I will study about relationship and understand commitment, community and connection in a way I have yet to experience.

The process of this of course will be to become aware of my resistance, my hesitation, my busy-ness and my fear. I am ready to develop a more conscious relationship with myself and move beyond the blocks.

Join with me in choosing a word for 2014 to bring in the New Year!

Watch for my blogs in the Ultimate Blog Challenge in January!

Response to Racism

December 12, 2013 by @candesscampbell

This is a response to last week’s blog which I emailed to my subscribers. I received several comments back and this one, from Dennis Thomas I find important to share. I agree with him completely and he said it much better than I could have!

Hello Candess,

I have always enjoyed listening to you or reading some of your work and I am ever grateful that you offer this to me on a regular basis. This message you sent made me pause and consider as I too was raised in a family with a “racist” father as well as two grandfathers that were active members of the KKK and very proud of it. I too went through a time when I needed to make a choice; whether to continue with their stories or to create my own in regards to race and separation. I chose to create my own path, although it alienated some of my family, and moved me towards a better understanding of acceptance. At least that is what I believed.

Now over the many years of observing and watching the goings on of the world, I have moved into a belief that for us to find the Oneness that you mentioned we must not only understand it (clarity) but also experience it (liberation). When we changed our story, which we both chose to do, we decided that racism was bad and non-racism was good. Just a story change, nothing more. When we examined that part of our fathers that we believed was incorrect (racist) and needed healing, we did nothing more than judge one belief over another; my story is more aligned with Truth than my father’s. I am more evolved, more enlightened. In time even that seemed insufficient. I then believed that neither one was wrong. I believed that if I backed away from the “out there” experiences as a silent witness then my state of “awareness” was my actual self and I could see that all of those experiences that were creating happiness or suffering were nothing more than an illusion. I had moved from an actor in the illusion to a being in awareness of the illusion.

A lot of spiritual seekers stop at this point and become observers, believing that all is an illusion (no-thing) and tell themselves that their pain and suffering is not real, yet at the time, it seems real. But the one who has experienced Oneness moves deeper into the Truth and realizes that everything is real and not real at the same time. No-thing, appearing as everything, returning to no-thing. He knows that he is part of everything and everything is part of him; racism, no-racism, terror, pain, suffering, joy, kindness, compassion and so on. All the same stuff, all Truth. No bad, no good, just Being expressing Itself as Being.

We might use the ocean as a metaphor. We are all of the ocean and the individual waves as part of that ocean seem to express a differentiation that leads us towards an idea of separation. Some of the waves might appear as angry and crash into the surf with harsh expression and some of the waves move with the rhythms of the cosmos; in harmony and peace. We want to judge the angry waves as conflicting and disruptive while we accept the others that are more in alignment with our beliefs. But, to find Oneness we must find that part of our Being that knows that all of the waves are nothing more than the ocean itself in its perfection, expressing itself as itself. We must find ourselves in the racist and non-racist, the act of racism, the emotions that evolve from racism and all of the space in between. And, when we find ourselves in all things then we will truly experience Oneness.

I will end this note with a piece from Jeff Foster’s book, The Deepest Acceptance. “The true end of suffering come from the recognition of this total intimacy with life itself- in other words, the deep acceptance of “everything” appearing in experience. In this deep acceptance, mind and heart are one. Nothing is everything; they are never two separate things. Mental clarity and certainty give way to deep acceptance of this moment. And there, the war ends.”

Have a great day, Dennis Thomas, DVM

Wasn’t that great! My deepest gratitude to Dennis!

Candess

Thanks – giving for healing the past!

December 2, 2013 by @candesscampbell

This year, after a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with friends and family, the next day I decided to rest and watch a movie. I chose the movie 42, about Jackie Robinson. Several times during the movie I found myself not only in tears, but actually sobbing; what Oprah referred to as the “ugly cry.” Spontaneously, I bawled, especially during scenes where Jackie was supported by others having been signed by the Montreal Royals and later the Dodgers.

My extreme emotional response to this movie reminded me of when I watched The Butler. It showed a more extensive historic view of the United States during difficult times. Both these movies, I realized, stirred up some childhood memories. Never before had I understood I experienced a slight PTSD response (post traumatic stress disorder) from being raised with a father who was racist.

Don’t get me wrong, I adored my dad. He and I were close, he was my main nurturer, and I loved him deeply. He was of German heritage, born in the 30’s in Emmitsburg, Maryland. As a young man he spent a lot of time in Baltimore. It was a different time then and he was a product of his culture. He was not only prejudice about African Americans; he was prejudice about many cultures.

When I was growing up, just like now, I was very sensitive. Being an “old soul,” even then, I was aware of all of humanity being “One.” I understood all humans were equal, living together in one world. I saw the injustice of how some people were treated and how they did not have the rights they deserved. I understood we were all related to each other and affected each other. I look back now and see my awareness was foreign to most of my family and my peers.

One day, when my father was in his late 60’s, I went to visit him. He looked at me and just spurted out, “I’m racist.” With a surprised and curious look, I took a moment and then responded, “Dad, did you just learn a new word?” With a big grin on his face, he said “yes!” I had known he was racist for many years and it appeared he just found the group, the tribe, to which he belonged.

Today, we are all the ages we have ever been. Every experience we have had is active within us, and we can look through the eyes of all the ages we have been. Having watched these two movies, The Butler and 42, I realized the power that movies have to heal the past. Many people had the opportunity to heal whatever came up for them through this powerful media experience.

Being a mental health counselor, I have spent many years clearing my past and becoming healthier in the present. I am so grateful to have found this buried wound and the subsequent healing. Whatever your brand of politics and how you feel Obama is doing at running our great country, today I am grateful we have an African American president. I wish my dad were alive to experience this historical event. It might have been a healing for him too!