With the nights getting cooler many are dreaming of leaves transitioning from bright green to yellow and red. You may find yourself pulling in more and beginning to think of nesting. Much of your contact this fall will be time spent with friends on social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You may also connect with friends on Facetime and Skype. Maybe you use your phone and share with friends while you are walking.
As a therapist, I often hear clients say they saw their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend change their status on Facebook from single to being in relationship with . . . They process the response to this very public demonstration of relationship status.
This leads me to think about boundaries. For many years I have created fairly rigid boundaries around myself. Since I am sensitive, this has helped me manage my energy. Being public as a therapist and psychic invites a lot of people into my space.
Recently, I had a visitation from my former husband, Peter Campbell who passed several years ago. He came to me with a powerful message (which I’ll share in another blog) and this opened up my heart. Now, I find myself crying a lot, which has not happened for many years. I find I welcome this opening, but now have to reassess how to shift my boundaries.
I hope this helps in case you want to reassess your boundaries as well. Do you have rigid, collapsed or healthy boundaries? You may want to print this out and talk about it with a friend.
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Boundaries
Are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross others boundaries?
Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away?
Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?
The way you set your boundaries changes over time and also in different situations and dependent upon how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use.
Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:
- Sharing too much personal information too soon.
- Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
- Doing anything to avoid conflict.
- Having a high tolerance for abuse.
Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:
- Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
- Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
- Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
- Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.
Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:
- Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
- Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
- You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
- You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.
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Contact Candess for a Psychic Reading!
Sounds like I have fairly healthy boundaries Candess. I have noticed a real trend to reveal all on social media and it is promoted by some who would claim how much you reveal goes towards how authentic you are. Not sure I agree with this. The big secrets of my heart are shared with people I have known, loved and trusted for years. As to saying ‘no’, I could improve. However, I usually want to do the things I say yes to, so that’s more of a time management issue than setting boundaries. I think it’s a great idea to revisit these guidelines to see if you are forming unhealthy boundary habits.
So happy you have good boundaries Tamuria! You can model that for your children. As far as social media goes, yes, sometimes people really over-share and they present as a “train wreck!” Being an author of non-fiction, I often share a lot about myself, but only that which I have chosen to share. The more personal parts of myself are shared with a few chosen loved ones.
I think there is a part of us that wants to share, especially when we connect with someone that we resonate with. But, it’s a mutual sharing. Other times, I think people share too much so that you will like them more, or feel sympathy for them. But, the bigger problem is that many people are never taught how to have healthy boundaries. Thanks for making us more aware of how important boundary issues are.
That is so true Joyce. I dated a man a couple years ago who had no filter. It was extremely uncomfortable. There is so much we could be teaching our children that we overlook!
Candess, I have worked on creating healthy boundaries a lot over the years. For the most part, I have healthy boundaries. I appreciate how you separated out the rigid, collapsed and healthy boundaries. I’m going to share this out as everyone needs to see this! Everything needs healthy boundaries:-)
Thanks Tandy. It can take years to establish healthy boundaries, but once we do, life is so much easier!
I’m sorry for your sadness. Yes, boundaries are important. I think trust is too. Social Media presents an entirely different and new set of rules. I’m one of those that doesn’t have any secrets either, so I may be an over-sharer. Good energy is the key. Thanks.
Boundaries can be a rough topic. Sometimes, you can’t be your authentic self if you want to be pleasing to others. This is similar if you do not want conflict, as sometimes, you do not need to be always right anyway – being right doesn’t mean anything in the end. It has always been said that win win is the best situation but does winning really have to be the goal for everything?
It is important to pick our battles, isn’t it Lorii. I agree “being right doesn’t mean anything in the end.”
Candess, boundaries are so important and I feel I am now living in my own healthy ones, but it wasn’t always that way. In regards to social media, I see it as the boundaries have been pushed to the limits but also wonder if some of it also a lonliness, a competitiveness, inability to make decisions or wanting a sense of grandeur.
Interesting thought Teresa.