“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
Over the years, my experience as a counselor has given me an interesting view into relationships.
When a couple comes to see me, too often one of them attempts to communicate with the other, without being heard. Sadly, I watch their last attempt to keep the marriage together. The partner, let’s say the man, who has not really heard his wife, but has listened as if she was nagging or on a rampage over something, finally understands. It may be too late now for him now. He didn’t realize that what she had been saying all along was important. So important, that the lack of communication, the lack of listening means the marriage is now over. I see him groveling and trying to make sense of it all. In the safety of another person (me) she says, “I’m sorry, but it is just too late.”
Many of us have ended relationships and we know exactly when we are done trying. Prior to that, you have probably heard yourself say the same thing over and over. You are ready to get out. You think of the next step. Your attempts to communicate and the lack of reciprocating has left you frustrated and exhausted. You are done. Apart from the grief there is an exhilaration, a new freedom.
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When I am with clients and they are suffering over a relationship, I often ask, “When did you first know this was not the right man/woman for you?” More often than not, I hear things like When I first met her or The day we married. This is your intuition talking to you and it is important for you to listen to what you say to yourself.
Whether it be a love relationship, a work relationship or a family situation, “when you begin to lose your voice, your self-esteem, your sense of personal power; it is time to make some kind of a shift.”
Now this shift could be seeing a Counselor, or it could also be seeing a Psychic. In a psychic reading you can learn what you have to learn in this lifetime, in this relationship, and whether it could work or not. You can see barriers and how to get through them. Knowing if your relationship is Karmic (working out something from a previous lifetime) or one where you have total Free Will can be helpful.
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You will learn a lot from a 30 Minute Psychic Reading!
Oh, so true, Candess. Every relationship I’ve ever left, I knew long before. Funny how that works! And how often communication is the culprit . . .
Susan I think the more we validate our intuition with our choices, the easier our lives will be!
Having done the Landmark Communication Course, I completely relate to the experience you have had working with people, Candess. Most people have a challenging time ‘listening’ to the other person in most relationships. We often see the world and hear the world, not as it is, but as we are. Too often people are waiting to get their point of view injected into the conversation and haven’t really heard what the other person is saying. Is it too late? For some relationships, it probably is, as breaking the ingrained patten of how you hear them, is a lot of work. I’ve seen really miraculous shifts in people who are willing to leave the past in the past and to begin with a new and fresh way of being. This really does summarize it so well, “when you begin to lose your voice, your self-esteem, your sense of personal power; it is time to make some kind of a shift.” It isn’t always an easy choice, but so often it is the necessary one.
So well written and understood Beverley. Thanks for sharing. I completed the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course as many years ago and still us the information often!
asking for help is so important in these situations. An objective 3rd party can help two people see their partner’s perspective so much better. My husband and I received counseling before we were married. It helped tremendously.
So happy Alene that this was helpful for you. Once someone has a good counseling experience, they often return if they need to transition through something.
This is so true. If each of us would take the time to truly listen, there would be so much less heartbreak and misunderstanding. Thank you for your valuable insights.
That is my practice this week! To understand more than to be understood!
I was told many years ago that communication was the most important quality in a good marriage. Both your experience and my own bears that out, and yet it is an all too rare commodity.
I highly recommend a reading with Candess, whether about a relationship or simply to learn more about yourself. I recently had one and it was very helpful.
Bless your heart Reba. Thanks for the support for my readings. What is so hard for all of us is that, we need to understand that being heard, doesn’t mean the other person agrees with us.
How interesting! I never thought about a psychic reading instead of a counselor! Is it an ongoing thing like counseling? Or a one time reading?
Kimberly some of my clients have ongoing issues they are working through and want to do it with someone who can help and use their intuitive abilities. I schedule them as readings and see them weekly or every other week. With counseling clients I see them weekly and use traditional therapy modalities. Most of my clients who I do readings with, I schedule every two to three months. I did a reading with a woman today who is also a counselor. She wanted me to look at her husband and her relationship. I started sharing with her about him and her eyes got really big and she said “Do you know him? You are describing him perfectly.” It was so fun for me!
Ahhhh, the art of listening. I love Stephen Covey and he said it just as it is.
It’s funny how we’re not really trained to listen to or follow our intuition. Talking with someone outside of our situation is often very helpful. Many times we can’t see what’s going on or have lost faith in our intuition.
I think counseling is so important. Even though I am a counselor and so was my former husband, we still triggered each other and needed some help.
Communication is not only a problem in marriage. We use communication every time. That is the sad truth though that people are always thinking primarily of themselves, how they can be heard and expecting so much from another. The irony is that in order to be heard, you must hear/listen.
In college, I was engaged. It was hard to take but my intuitive Mother told me kindly that I would never marry him. So right she was. He never really listened to me and I didn’t recognize this type of communication relationship until after he broke it off. Eventually found a man who did and have been married ever since. Great advice Candess we should all learn early in life.
So happy you had an intuitive mom Joyce! Many parents do what they can to shut down the intuition of their children because they don’t understand. Love your blog on Money, Women and Brains!
It’s such a sad thing, isn’t it? Seeing the end of a live fall apart because they don’t hear each other.
Jennifer it really shows how we all want to be seen and heard. That is what is so exciting about empowering others, which I know you do!