It feels so good to start feeling better after the MECFS crash! There are so many ways I understand myself and life that I didn’t before. First of all, I am shocked at my denial. Then again, I’m not. You would think I would be more aware of myself having worked as a therapist most of my life. Especially working as a chemical dependency counselor, you would think I would be the master of detecting denial. I saw it in others but could not see it in myself. I was getting “sick.”
When I was working as a counselor in a Federal prison, I used to ask my clients, “Who had the right to be angry in your family?” It really helped clients to look deeper into their family patterns. It never occurred to me to ask “Who had the right to be ill in your home?”
Bingo! That was my mom. My compassion for my mom is exponential now. When I was younger, I was judgmental of her. She had health issues starting at age 32 which continued throughout her life until she died at age 52; her body full of cancer.
The perfectionist, overachiever, know-it-all part of me focused on fixing my alcoholic dad, who I adored. Later I transferred this to fixing the world. I was a healer! I could not be sick! I have always thought of myself as being on the front line; what today we would call “an essential worker.” Now I understand. Not only did I need to fix everything and everyone, I also could not be sick. This codependent behavior also included not learning to receive and especially not asking for help.
It’s funny. As I write this I think about the $500 utility bill I have. I could not call to get public help unless everyone else who needed it, got theirs first. Note to self again and anyone else who does this – stop it! You have to fill up in order to give from your excess, and not from your need. I’ll sell my old computer.
Back to denial. Once I got it, that I was ill and I was not my mom, I started to blame others. Once I got through this, I was free to look at my own behaviors. Without judgment and blame, I inventoried myself (thanks to 12 step programs) and become clear on how the MECFS affects me and how I can take better care of myself.
As I write, I am watching the latest MECFS videos on Youtube by leaders in the field. (Edit, edit, edit, edit!!!) I am delighted to be one of many and not the problem patient that no one knows what to do with. The shame that I felt for being sick is no longer there. Interesting. I don’t feel a need to fix people (as much) now, but rather can just sit and listen. In 2006, Dr. Al Morgan, a naturopath drew a circle and divided it like a pie. He pointed and said, this is your part, your responsibility (or something like that) and I just couldn’t hear. I could do it all!
There was a time when friends, acquaintances, etc. would call or email anytime wanting answers to their psychic questions or connect with someone on the other side. I was on call all the time. Today I love my work as a psychic medium and as an author. Being bedridden for 4 months and mostly horizontal for a few years, I am so grateful to schedule clients weekly as I can (dependent upon my brain fog, fatigue, and myalgia.) It’s the delight of my day!
Let me say that again differently. Now that I give out of my excess (as I have taught for many, many years,) when I am with a client or a group, I am so full of love and connected to Spirit. When I connect with client’s loved ones or guides, it is not unusual for me to feel so much I just cry. No pain, just pure love.
There is so much more to share now that I am honest with myself about my health and have healed the shame.
Debra says
Blessings to you Candess for sharing.
You have healed many and now it is time for your healing and self love.
I can relate. I give and give and give so that I may feel worthy of love. Sometimes it is only through my exhaustion that I slow down but soon feel uncomfortable and begin again to over commit to family leaving little time for myself. Your story gives me hope that I also can find serenity, peace and health through awareness and understanding.
Thank you. You are loved.
Candess Campbell says
Thank you for your beautiful heart!
Candess
Erika says
Wow that was really beautiful Candess! Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to being able to see you again. It’s been a long time. Sending lots of love!
Kathy Justice says
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s hard to recognize that you can’t do it all when you’re used to doing it all. Especially as a healer.
I think it’s kind of funny that the group of healers I follow on social media all have really taken the time to learn more about taking care of themselves. They all seem to have been working on themselves like I had to. Pre-COVID.
I have had an injury and a diagnosis that required me to really learn how to take care of myself and I’m so grateful for all the knowledge learned while healing myself.
I hope you continue to share with us your experiences because I enjoy reading stuff from you.
Much love to you 11:11 💛
maria norby says
Blessings, Candess!
Thanks so much for sharing. Your courage and vulnerability is what has always helped me the most. Being able to relate helps with the self honesty part. Then that shame is able to move.
I absolutely love to see your creative side coming through so powerfully.
Cheers to you and the wonderful work you provide for so many!