Angering at someone is rarely effective. Whether you raise your voice, yell, call names or threaten; it’s really not helpful. What happens is people learn to avoid you or to get back at you by being passive aggressive.
Your feelings of anger are real, but anger is a secondary emotion. Anger covers up feelings of pain or fear. When you feel angry, before you start angering out at someone, ask yourself these questions. What am I afraid of? What hurts? Communicating with others directly about your fears and your pain can open the door for a better relationship.
When communicating, people often say, “I feel” when they really mean is “I think.” For instance, you may say “I felt attacked when you said such and such.” What you’re really saying is, “You attacked me.” Another way of saying that might be, “I felt scared,” “I felt paralyzed,” or “I felt hurt when you said such and such.”
[clickToTweet tweet=”Communicating directly about your fear and pain can create better relationships.” quote=”Communicating directly about your fear and pain can create better relationships.”]
It’s really difficult communicating with someone who is unwilling to explore the underlying issues in a relationship. If you find yourself wanting to keep busy and distract yourself rather than dealing with the issue or the relationship, the feelings you’re avoiding become buried. Feelings buried alive staying alive. What happens then is those feelings later surface around a similar issue, generally in an explosive reaction. That’s what it means to become triggered.
I was motivated to write this blog after reading a FaceBook post from a man who was angry and calling another person names because of their political view. That is a big issue here in the US right now. I was curious about this man, so I looked at his profile. He listed his profession as a sports coach to high school students. My immediate thought was do parents know that this person is acting as a coach and mentor to their children?
[clickToTweet tweet=”Be Kind – Be Kind – Be Kind!” quote=”“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ― Henry James”]
Trisha says
Lots of food for thought.
Anne DiVitto says
Such an important topic in today’s day and age. The pressures of life with kids, work, money, etc. can be overwhelming and turn into anger. Having true strategies to deal with stress is of utmost importance!
Jennifer Quisenberry says
I don’t think yelling really helps anyone get anything accomplished except maybe to simply vent their frustration. There’s certainly more productive ways to express one’s anger.
Robin says
Great post! Love the discussion about anger being a secondary emotion! Great information here!
Erin Lewis says
Such great points. But also hard points. We need to remember this when we are in the “heat” of the moment and pause to be reflective. Sometimes its so hard to be a human with strong emotions! Good information!
Meghan Monaghan says
I love what you suggest in your video because it has been so effective for me–writing a letter to a person really does help diffuse anger and can be quite cathartic. Sometimes I send the letter but more often I don’t. The letter is more for me than the other person. 🙂 Anger is a part of being human, but it can be dangerous. Great tips!
Suzii Fido says
I have used the technique to write down my feelings when a situation has ‘hurt’ me. I don’t pass the letter onto the other person, but read it back later when I have calmed down and realise that most of what I have written is not true. It helps me to get rid of the frustration of the situation and rationalise my initial thouts. Great post
candesscampbell says
Great idea Suzii!
Alene Geed says
Thank you so much for this post. I love the Henry James quote. I experienced a situation about 18 months ago. I was very angry with a relative and could not see past it. Finally many months later I was able to sort out that I was hurt, not angry. It helps to ask those questions
Lorii Abela says
This is a good idea. Better start dealing with the situation while the children are young. Imagine what kind of an adult they would be in the long run because of anger. And since I am in the relationship industry, I can’t escape the question about how will affect their relationships with a significant other.
Carol Rundle says
I had never thought about fear being behind anger. That makes perfect sense. It’s too bad that many people think they’re don’t have to behave reasonably online.