It’s has been awhile since I blogged here and I want to catch you up. In December I decided to have my thyroid removed. Most of you know that holistic medicine is important to me and I talk about this in my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.
After finding I had a lump in my throat attached to my thyroid, rather than taking the doctor’s suggestion to have…
Your Biography is Your Biology
Your Biography is Your Biology
The soul always knows what to do to heal itself.
The challenge is to silence the mind.First of all I want to wish you a Happy Holiday!
There has been so much that has happened in the last few weeks and my apologies for not staying on track here.
Finally, after two years of ultra-sounds and watching the lump near my thyroid grow, I decided to have my thyroid removed. The…
Are you a Pack Animal?
I believe it’s our loss of connection with our instinctual side that prevents us from being effective pack leaders for our dogs. Perhaps it’s also why we also seem to be failing at being positive guardians of our planet.
Cesar Millan
There have been big changes in my life the last couple months. One of the decisions I made was to shift from my mental health/chemical dependency counseling practice, to being a full time Author, Speaker, and Intuitive Success Coach by the end of 2015. I have been split between the somewhat mainstream candesscampbell.com and the woo-woo energymedicinedna.com selves/sites.
Having moved into greater health by changing what I eat, exercising more and taking better care of myself, I realized the undercurrent to my health challenge has been stress. Now this is not new news, as you know, because I write about my adrenal fatigue in my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.
What I realized though is that working as a therapist for over 30 years and not being able to be friends with my clients, although many I would have enjoyed, I have been isolated. There are necessary, but strict boundaries around relationships between therapists and clients. Although I honor this, spending so many hours with clients has left me feeling somewhat sequestered.
I love my work and I spend much of my time serving others. Now, as I increase my focus as an Author, Speaker and Intuitive Success Coach as well as my other spiritual services, I can teach, mentor, support and receive as well.
Last night I taught the Intuitive Souls Chakra Journal Class. The students learned to psychically read their own chakra. Then we journaled from sentence stems I created relating to Chakra One – The Power of Survival.
Domingo
Domingo my Cairn terrier mix, was sitting under foot of one of the participants. Someone asked, “What is that noise?” Another woman responded, “It’s fireworks, that is the finale.” I looked at Domingo who by now would be shaking so bad I would be afraid he would have a heart attack. I would be running for the doggy downers. But strangely, he just looked around and was fine. He was sitting in the circle of powerful, loving women. When I shared the story earlier today, I realized that he felt safe because he was a pack animal. We were his pack!
You know what? I think I am a pack animal too! It feels great to be one of the tribe! By the way, being part of a tribe is part of Chakra One!
If you would like to journal with my Journal Process here are some sentence stems to use.
The memory that haunts me from childhood is . . .
The part of me I have compromised the most is my . . .
I need others most when . . .
What comforts me the most is . . .
Want to go deeper into this process?
Contact Candess
Before Play . . . What Women Want!
“It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.”
Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without Counseling – Marko Petkovic
Sarah is with friends at a piano bar in downtown Seattle. A tall, dark, handsome man (really) who is new to the group comes up and begins to converse. They make a great connection talking about similar interests and she is curious. She and her friends catch up sharing about their lives and the music starts. Luca (tall, dark, and handsome) comes up and asks her to dance. She begins to move her hips to the music, but he pulls her to him and twirls her around the dance floor. Her curiosity grows and she wonders, “Who is this man?” As the night goes on, he continues to woo her, dancing and whispering in her ear. She unmistakably tells him she is in a relationship, but this does not stop him from professing her beauty, murmuring he loves her eyes, and when she puts her cheek to his shoulder in a slow dance, chills run down her spine.
She notices her female friends are watching her. Later, they insist he is “a player.” She laughs, knowing this of course, and enjoys his attention anyway. Being comfortable with herself, her sexuality and men, she goes along. The group moves to a nearby Karaoke bar and she and Luca sing “Falling Slowly” together as the dance floor fills with couples.
The night moves on and the group is leaving. She walks out with Mallory, her friend and ride home. Luca follows her out to the car and opens the door, all the while enticing her to let him take her home. She laughs, Mallory roles up the window, and off they go.
The next day her boyfriend Jesse calls and wants to see her. She invites him over and within the first ten minutes he initiates sex by rubbing up against her with a look of anticipation in his eyes.
Whether her previous evening behavior was appropriate or not, having interviewed several women, this scenario with Jesse is not far from the truth for many women. What happened here? The difference between how she was treated by a stranger and the man who loves her was monumental. The sense of being desired, of feeling beautiful, of being prepared for lovemaking did not happen with Jesse.
As a therapist, too often I witness couples that become more like roommates than passionate partners in life. They leave intimacy behind and feel unfulfilled in their relationships or marriages. Sometimes they opt for an affair. Other times they may compromise and shut down their emotions to “go along to get along.” Neither of these choices support the early dreams they envisioned of being in love!
A friend of mine shared that the man she had been dating for several months “doesn’t have a clue” how to connect with her prior to their lovemaking. She said it has been really difficult to be sexual at his beck and call, and sadly, he doesn’t understand the difference between intimacy and sex. She loves him, and although they are sexually active, she is not satisfied.
Of course, not all men neglect the needs of their lovers. The intent of this article is to invite men to bring forward the “player within” and to love their wife or girlfriend as if they first met! Listening, attending to and understanding the desires of your partner can strengthen the fiber or your relationship. There is a powerful connection and bond that happens in relationships when intimacy and sexuality can be enjoyed in a loving, supportive and nurturing environment on a daily basis.
In an interview survey regarding “Before Play” a woman who described herself as having a positive relationship, was asked, “who usually initiates sex and how is it done?” She said he usually initiates. She said “Sex starts early in the day with talk and holding one another. My husband’s “love language” expresses itself with acts of service and physical touch that mean a lot to me. We are both physical so touch is critical: kissing slow, fondling, and being playful with one another. In response to the question “does he prepare you prior to being sexual?” she replied “Yes, he will pick up something nice for dinner or a bottle of wine, etc. He often stays in touch sending texts or calls during the day.”
In the interview process, the theme was the same. The communication, intimacy, and connective feeling prior to intercourse had a substantial effect on their sexual life. It affected not only the quality of the sexual experience, but the frequency of sex as well. When women were fulfilled sexually, they said they were happier in their relationship overall.
So what happens? “How to satisfy a woman” is not a new topic and you can hardly even avoid being educated about the needs of women if you ever read cartoons, watched TV, or overheard conversations at the local pub.
BeforePlay (rather than foreplay) begins hours if not days prior to making love. Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.
What women want!
1. Communication – connect with her prior to lovemaking. A phone call or a sexy text to entice her during the day just may be the key.
2. Connection – knowing that she likes to be kissed and cuddled first or enjoys moving right into hot, passionate lovemaking can heighten the fun. Be present to her.
3. Set the stage – whether you bring wine or flowers, play music, or light candles, stimulate her senses for a intense experience.
So if you are a man who sees himself as potent, vital and ready for love, see your woman as one who deserves to be cherished. Woo her in the manner that she enjoys and begin the process (beforeplay) early in the day and slow it down creating some enticement. Strengthen and deepen your love and experience in the incredible, sacred sexual union. You’ll notice the difference in the quality of your life!
Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an Author, Blogger, Intuitive Success Coach and International Psychic Medium.
This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine.
Sexual Addiction!
“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”
― Hunter S. Thompson
Sexual addiction! What is it? With the accessibility of stimulation through the Internet and mobile phones, there is a lot more exposure to the issue of sexual addiction. In my private practice as a mental health and addictions counselor, more and more clients are showing up who need help from this addiction. Actually it is usually the partner of the addict that is either reaching out for help or giving the addict an ultimatum – get help or else. Whether it be prostitution, pornography or chronic masturbation, it can wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of those they love. In response to this, the treatment community has begun to use sexual addiction assessments along with alcohol and drug assessments.
Working as a chemical dependency counselor at a Federal prison camp in the mid-1990s, during the “war on drugs,” we began assessing for childhood sexual abuse and past sexual abuse. Nearly all of the female clients had been sexually abused. Some of the men said yes, but I suspect even with the promise of confidentially, they did not admit to this. Many who have been abused don’t remember, but issues show up later in their relationships.
Most of my clients who were diagnosed as sex addicts had been women and men who had a history of past sexual abuse and at some level attempted to find balance and healing, but instead found themselves in relationships where they became sexually addicted and often exploited. Some went on to be sex offenders. One example is a past client I counseled. He had been abused by his older brother and then went on to sexually abuse his nephew.
A leader in the field of Sexual Addition treatment is Douglas Weiss, PhD. This article summarizes the 6 Types of Sexual Addicts, a model he developed, which became the standard used to certify Sexual Recovery Therapists by the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy.
Six Types of Sexual Addicts
1. Biological Sexual Addict
Weiss states this is the most common sex addict. Basically the behavior is “ring the bell, feed the dog, ring the bell, feed the dog” like Pavlov’s conditioning. What happens is during orgasm; the endorphins that are released create an attachment to what is happening at the time. So whether this is a real or imaged person, the chemical release in the brain creates a bond. These endorphins, “almost four times as strong as morphine,” are the highest chemical reward the brain can come by, legally. Therefore, “your brain literally glues to, hungers for, craves, and wants to repeat that activity again.”
Weiss states that the Biological Sex Addict probably represents less than 15% of all sexual addicts, and is the baseline of all the sexual addictions. Most also have components of the other five types.
In my own counseling practice, many of my female clients who have a history of sexual abuse fall for his type of addict. They become the sexual object for them.
2. Psychological Sexual Addict
This person is often the one who has experienced emotional or physical abuse in his life. Due to the lack of love, touch, or security, as a child he sets up a fantasy life. This sense of neglect can carry on into adulthood and when his needs sare not met at home, he creates a fantasy world where he feels adored, worshiped, and desired. This is the man who fantasizes he is the best, the biggest, the greatest, etc. If he has been dominated in his life he may fantasize as being the one who is dominating.
In his psychological fantasy, he feels sexually powerful, loved and wanted. In his imagination, he doesn’t have to deal with real women who may say no, ask him for commitment, ask for help with the housework or ask for emotional intimacy. Once this fantasy is paired with the powerful chemical endorphins, he is hooked.
3. Spiritual Based Sexual Addict
Similar to the psychological sexual addict, this addict is looking for a connection. There is a strong desire for a spiritual connection. They look to find it within their sexual addiction. In this case, once they have a spiritual experience through a religious encounter, an experience with Jesus or another guide or Guru, the sexual addiction stops. “Their sexual addiction just plain stops, because that’s where the origin of the ache or the need was for the individual.” These people rarely get help within the clinical community.
4. Trauma Based Sexual Addict
The trauma based sexual addict is the client I have most experience with. In this case, he or she has experienced sexual trauma, most likely as a child or adolescent. These clients go on to mirror their trauma in their relationships. For example a young girl who was sexually abused by an older uncle may end up in relationship after relationship with older men. She may despise herself for this, but continue the behavior and recreate the shame. A woman who has been physically abused in conjunction with a sexual trauma may act out being abused in the sexual act in order to be satisfied and make attempt after attempt to find the right partner, shaming herself all the way. She becomes a sexual addict that is also the sexual object of another addict.
5. Intimacy Anorexic
Although a separate issue from sexual addiction, Weiss states intimacy anorexia affects around 29% of sex addicts. Generally, the anorexic behavior is related to “sex addiction, sexual trauma, neglect in the family and cross gender attachment disorder.” There also may be related to other co-occurring disorders. Weiss describes intimacy anorexia as when a “spouse intentionally withholds emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.” They may control through silence, anger, or withholding money. They blame their spouse, withhold love, tend to be critical, and are unwilling to talk about their feelings. This is a difficult situation for the addict because as they are working on their own recovery, whether it be abstaining from prostitutes, masturbation, or pornography, they also need to learn to move toward their spouse or partner and re-create a healthy relationship. They have to learn to feel and communicate their feelings.
6. Mood Disorder
Sexual addicts who also have a mood disorder are another type of sex addict. Weiss shared about clients who were bipolar or had cyclothymic disorder and were medicating the imbalance neurologically through the ejaculation response. Until the medication was adjusted properly, they continued to relapse.
When you hear the term sexual addict, it may conjure up an image of someone being sexual, playful and having fun. The truth is the very opposite. Although the sexual thoughts and behavior may start that way, as in any addiction, the person loses control and their life spirals downward. Sexual addicts generally have low self-esteem and believe no one will love them as they are. They lack emotional intimacy and are continually pre-occupied with sex and sexual fantasies. They feel out of control and experience mood swings. They are filled with feelings of guilt and shame.
You may wonder, how sexual addiction is different from normal sexual behavior.
Weiss explains, “in a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context. He/she is gluing to the person, the eyes, and the soul of the person he/she is being sexual with.” This is different than having the object of sexual fulfillment being images that do not respond. Addiction creates lack of control, shame, and self-loathing and destroys relationships.
As with all addictions, recovery is a one-day at a time process. Interventions and treatment planning is different for each specific person. Most often when one is treated for sexual addition, the chances of recovery are better when their spouse or partner is involved.
In addition to treatment centers like the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where Dr. Weiss is the Executive Director, there are also 12 Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. https://saa-recovery.org/ There are several other similar programs that provide help.
The Six Types of Sexual Addicts information came from a written interview of Dr. Weiss by Barbara Alexander and my email communication with him.
Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and the author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery (Discovery Press, 2008).
Heart to Heart Counseling Center 719-278-3708
heart2heart@xc.org. Website www.sexaddict.com.
This article was originally published In Live Encounters Magazine!
Why People Cheat
After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.
