After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.
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Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages teaches us to understand what makes us feel loved and what makes our loved ones feel loved. The five languages are 1) Words of Affirmation 2) Quality Time 3) Gifts 4) Acts of Service and 5) Physical Touch.
Have you ever had a friend who continually is asking for validation? A current or past love who is always touching you as you walk by, rubbing your shoulders, cuddling when you watch a movie? Someone who shops and is buying themselves gifts all the time? These may be clues to their love language.
If your mother’s love language is quality time, getting her a gift certificate for massage would not excite her the way taking her to an off-Broadway play would.
If you have a friend whose love language is Acts of Service, making her a book of coupons for services such as babysitting or yard work may be more important to her than getting her a new scarf.
If your loved one’s first love language is physical touch, you may want to plan a quiet evening alone and give each other foot rubs with a sensual essential oil.
You can take an online test at http://fivelovelanguages.com/ to find out your own love language. Let your family and friends know what your love language is and in doing this you may be able to explore theirs as well.
You may find you score high on a few love languages. Let your loved ones know this and how they would express this to you. My highest score is Acts of Service, although Quality Time and Physical Touch are close behind. When I think of this I remember a boyfriend who built a fence around my yard and how loved I felt. More recently friends wrote reviews for my book and it was the greatest expression of love they could have given me. The photo is of my dear friend David Sandoval, M.D., an immunologist, who wrote an incredible review that is now on the back of my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.
Just a note that on November 5 only, when you buy 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine on Amazon.com, you have the opportunity to receive valuable gifts, worth hundreds of dollars, just by buying 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. You will receive Powerful Personal Enrichment videos with Dr. Brian Weiss, Money Mojo Now videos with Mary Shakun, Universal Principles of Thriving with Dr. Kim, Pain Relief with Sound Healing ebook from Charles Lightwalker, tele-courses, coaching sessions and so much more! (just email me your receipt!)
Many people think about stress as being specific to negative happenings in their lives, but stress actually occurs from both negative and positive situations. In fact, your energy system picks up a great amount of stress without you even being aware. What’s wonderful, however, is that your body is amazing at moving back into balance.
You may remember a time when something happened suddenly and unexpectedly, and you immediately went into a heightened state of awareness. Your body is set up with a protective mechanism toward “fight” or “flight.” This reaction creates an outpouring of adrenaline and other hormones into your blood stream, which produces a number of protective changes in your body. This flood provides you with the energy and strength to either fight or flee from the situation. Here, your heart rate increases, allowing more blood flow to your muscles, brain, and heart. Your breathing also increases to a faster pace in order to take in more oxygen, and your muscles tense in preparation for action. You become mentally alert, and your senses become more aware so that you can assess the situation and act quickly. In addition to this, your blood sugar, fats, and cholesterol increase for extra energy. There is a rise in your platelets and blood clotting ability, which prevents hemorrhaging in case of injury.
Most of the time though, you don’t have this fight-or-flight response. Instead, there is a steady stream of stressors that increase and decrease as the day goes on. You become accustomed to the stress and then see it as normal, and all the while it is taking a toll on your body. You may find you compare yourself to others and then think that you don’t have it so bad, or that your stress is worse than others, which creates more stress.
If this makes you wonder about your own stress level I have provided you with the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. It is a standard test developed initially in 1967 by two psychiatrists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. This test was published as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS). Using Life Change Units (LCU), they were able to correlate the relationship between stress and illness in participants. In 1970, Rahe implemented another test, which assessed the reliability of the stress scale as a predictor of illness. Take a moment to evaluate your stress level with this Life Event Stress scale.
http://candesscampbell.com/books/self-help-toolbox
Having taken the stress test, you may be surprised by the results. If you find you do not have many of the stressors listed but still struggle with stress, understand that although we share a human experience, we all experience life differently.
In addition to understanding what stresses you, you may also experience physical symptoms of stress such as increased heart rate, pounding heart, elevated blood pressure, sweaty palms, headache, trembling, twitching, stuttering, sleep disturbances, fatigue, shallow breathing, dry mouth, cold hands, itching, being easily startled, chronic pain, susceptibility to illness, and tightness in the chest, neck, jaw, and back muscles.
Emotional signs and symptoms of stress include irritability, angry outbursts, hostility, depression, jealousy, restlessness, withdrawal, anxiousness, diminished initiative, hyper-vigilance, feeling that things are not real, lack of interest in things you used to enjoy, crying outbursts, being critical of others, self-deprecation, nightmares, impatience, lack of hope, narrowed focus, obsessive rumination, lack of self-esteem, insomnia, and either overeating or loss of appetite.
In addition to taking the Holmes and Rahe Stress test mentioned earlier, before you make changes, figure out on a scale from 1–10 how stressed you feel in your life. Do this with 1 being little or no stress, 5 being a medium level of stress (or being stressed about half the time during the week), and 10 being a high level of stress (or being stressed daily). Make a note of your stress score in your journal so you can test yourself again after using some of the tools outlined for you.
Ways in which you can reduce stress:
This is just a beginning for you to start reducing stress in your life. Often when you change your behaviors, you do not notice a difference at first. You may want to put this list on the refrigerator or a mirror and practice for six months to see how your life changes. Then assess your stress level on a scale from 1–10 again and see how much you have improved.
You know your body more than anyone else. Taking an inventory of yourself can be life changing!
A short video that teaches you to ground your energy and relax is at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWajD6Upuiw. You can do this daily to teach your body to relax.
Click here to find more information about 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.
Previously published in Live Encounters Magazine June 2013
Where ever you look today you see the words psychic, intuitive and healer. For those of us who have been providing these services for many years, it is so exciting that, once alienated and thought “weird,” we are now moving into the mainstream.
The downside of this though, is anyone can say they are a psychic, an intuitive and a healer. This whole subject is double edged for me. On one hand, I believe and teach that we are all intuitive and all have healing ability. The other side though, is that just because we are intuitive and have healing ability does not make us a psychic, an intuitive or a healer.
It is rare to find someone who immediately has these abilities or has the abilities without training and practice.
Today we have so many tools like tarot cards, medicine cards and such, and these are fun to use to get bits and pieces of information. To be a professional card reader though, to be in integrity and to charge for these readings, it can take years of practice.
[clickToTweet tweet=”How to Choose a Psychic Healer!” quote=”Integrity, Compassion and Healthy Boundaries are important traits of a Psychic Healer. “]
So how do you know who to trust and who is just putting out a self- proclaimed shield without backing? You have a right to know about the person you hire and who you let work in your energy field or read you psychically. If they don’t charge you, be even more careful because those of us who are highly skilled, usually charge.
Here are some guidelines.
Whether you want to hire a psychic, an intuitive or a healer or you are a psychic, intuitive, or healer, it is important to know that not all people are trained and skilled appropriately. If you don’t trust the person you are seeing, find someone else. If you are uncertain about your own skills, get more training. You will feel better about yourself and attract more clients.
Here are a couple examples of why you want to make sure you are seeing the right person.
Now, if you are what we call highly programmable (believe everything you hear from the psychic) rather than discerning the information through your own filter, this can happen. A skilled psychic would be able to see this about you and speak with you in a way that you would receive the information you needed, but not leave her office and sabotage your job. An untrained psychic or intuitive may not understand programmability and may send you on your way to self-destruct.
The outer border I picked was a picture of a barn. The inner picture was of a shovel. I was really ill, having no energy and could barely think at the time. She asked me to tell her what it meant. I couldn’t figure it out. She was impatient with me and said “it means your are supposed to pick up the shovel and get to work!” Well, not long afterward I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue (which I write about in my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.) Shortly after that all I could do was rest. I could manage one client a day and that was it. Hindsight is, the card meant to put the shovel down and stop working, but the judgment I received from her was I was not doing enough. I also had felt I didn’t do enough which is why I had driven myself to such a physical state.
Had I known how to pick the right person to help me, the situation would have been much different. What happens though, is when we are at the bottom and reaching out for help, sometimes we just reach out anywhere. As you read this now, hoping your life is healthy and balanced, research the people you would choose for your psychic and your healer. Then when you need them, you will have confidence in your choice!
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Into the New Year, most people have taken a look back and reflected on the past year. Some have made resolutions and some just go forward with hope. Rather than making resolutions, I pick one focus for the year, one word to remember and increase in my life.
One year the word was money and I became more responsible in my spending, saving and earnings. That year I increased my income by 25%. I read money books, brought my attention to my habits and envisioned and created abundance.
Last year my focus was on food. I watched “foody” shows on television and regularly added nutritionally healthy foods to my diet. I drank green smoothies and my body glowed from all the enzymes. I increased my awareness on how foods affect my health (and my mood!)
This year my focus is music. I have a Martin 000M and my plan is to learn to play my guitar, listen to a variety of music throughout the year, attend concerts and experience music as a healing force in my life!
Speaking of a healing force in my life. I just published my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.
The first chapter focuses on Evaluating Your Situation. Whether it is emotional or physical pain, there is always an emotional component. I find that when people tend to focus on the past, they suffer from depression and when they focus on the future, it creates anxiety. On my website candesscampbell.com under Books and Self-Healing Tools you will find self-screening tests. One is for depression and the other for anxiety. If you find that you struggle with either of these, getting professional help is important.
Sometimes you live your life day to day without much self-awareness. It is helpful to look at whether or not you are getting your needs met. William Glasser, MD, a psychiatrist wrote a book called Choice Theory. In the book he talked about people having Four Basic Needs. The needs he lists are for 1) Love & Belonging, 2) Power and Worth, 3) Freedom and 4) Fun. These are beyond your need for survival.
Think about your life and what the main need is in your life. In your journal, write down your main need. Then write down friends and family you spend most of your time with. List some activities you engage in on a regular basis. Are you getting your needs met with these friends, family members and your activities?
For example I list as one of my loved ones, my Cairn Terrior/mix Domingo. The needs I get met by Domingo are Love and Belonging and Fun. When I image an oval shape and think about how full I am from my relationship with Domingo, I see the oval being maybe a third full. This means I need more people and activities to get my Love and Belonging and Fun needs met.
When I first did this exercise I listed out my friends. A few of the friends I spent most of my time with did not meet my needs at all. I found one friend met most of my needs. I realized I leaned too much on one friend and needed to create more relationships in my life where I felt more alive, full, and got my needs met. I also realized I needed to let some friends go. With self-awareness, I saw how drained I became after spending time with some friends.
Try this yourself. You may be amazed at how simple changes in your life can shift your emotional for physical pain!
Also, in evaluating your situation, it is important to look at the interrelatedness between your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You can find a Total Behavior Map here to help you. http://candesscampbell.com/books/self-help-tools/70-2) On this map you can write out in the center what need you want to get met. Write down a situation that has been difficult for you regarding this need. List what you were doing, thinking and feeling. Then write again as if you were thinking something different. If you were thinking ___________, then what would you be doing or feeling?
You are an integrated being of Mind, Body and Spirit. You will notice that when you change your thinking about a situation, your feeling changes as well. You may choose to do something different and immediately your thinking changes and your feeling changes. The key here is you have 100 % control over your doing, 90 % control over your thinking and only 10 % control over your feeling. When you do or think something different – you feel better!
An example is Sarah was waiting for a phone call from Taylor to go out to dinner. (love and belonging and fun) Taylor didn’t call and Sarah thought, “I was stood up.” She started feeling angry and lost energy. Sarah began making up stories in her mind of what happened and worked herself into a frenzy.
An hour later Taylor called and said she was so sorry. She explained that she had witnessed an accident on the freeway and was pulled in by the police to share what she had seen. Taylor said she was so shaken, she didn’t even think about the dinner plans until she calmed down and realized she was hungry. She asked Sarah if she could come over, she needed a friend.
Sarah began to understand (thinking) and she empathized (feeling) with Taylor’s experience. She began cooking (doing) something to share with Taylor and prepared for her friend to arrive.
Can you see how the feelings followed the doing and thinking in this situation? You can write out some situations in your past, some times when you were really upset. Then write out what you could have done or thought differently, identifying how you would feel different.
Use your journal for this exercise and soon you’ll find you can do it quickly in your mind. So much of the emotional pain (which is under the physical pain) is manufactured in your mind. Now, you have a tool to change this!
Another tool is journaling. One situation I share in my book is for several days I found myself having a lot of pain in my shoulders. I left my office and sat down to rest and the pain was extremely disturbing. After about four days of this, I picked up my journal and began writing, “This pain in my shoulders. . .” and continued journaling for 20 minutes. What came up in my writing was a situation with one of my daughters. Once I wrote it out, the pain released immediately and was totally gone. This is a true testimony to how we carry pain in our bodies connected to our emotions!
There is so much more you can find in the book that will help you evaluate where you are and begin to move into self-healing. In February I’ll focus on Finding Your Passion!
12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – UK
12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – US