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Resolving Conflict

by @candesscampbell

“Sure it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them.” Blanche “Some things you forgive, some things you never forgive.” Kate

– from Brighton Beach Memoirs by Neil  Simon

Our current planetary conflict is a great backdrop for me to expound on how to resolve conflict and the pitfalls of communication. With all the floods and fires on our coveted planet and in our politics, I thought this would be a timely topic.

Here are some helpful steps.

Clear with this person on an energetic level.

  1. Ground your energy. Here is a video that will teach you to do this. http://bit.ly/wBHJbh
  2. You have an aura around you which is part of your energetic self. Imagine pulling your aura in around your body. Pull it in about 6 – 8 inches around you.
  3. Focus in your heart and bring your attention out of the top of your head into the heavens.
  4. Image the person there with you. At this level, send them love from your heart. You may also imagine sending them golden white Light from your heart.
  5. If you can do this without anger or negative feelings, talk with them at this level.
  6. Come back down, image yourself filling up with golden white Light and release any leftover energy down your grounding cord.

Steps to resolve conflict in person.

  1. Write out the situation in your journal and then re-read it the next day. Sometimes it helps to do this a few times, so that you can become clear on what happened and what you want to communicate.

 

  1. Become aware of your own part of the situation, even if you perceive it to be minor in comparison to the other person.

 

  1. If you are angry, look at where you may be feeling hurt or fearful. These emotions are often right under the surface of anger. Feel your feeling and let them go. Journal them over and over if need be.

 

  1. Contact the person you are having conflict with and use clear, direct, honest communication. I suggest you meet in person (not via text or email) because this allows you not only to read the body language, but also to open your heart.

 

  1. Give the other person the chance to communicate their side completely. It is helpful to use the words, “I heard you say,” and repeat back to them what you heard and let them clarify. This helps them to feel heard. You can hear what someone is saying without agreeing with them. It is important that you hear.

 

  1. Once the other person feels heard, share your side. They may not listen well and you may not feel heard. If that is the case use the broken record method. Continue to say the core message again and again, “I hear what you say, and ______.” Yes, that is true, and _______.” Do this until they are able to understand they are not hearing you.

 

  1. Make a request of the person such as “My request is we put this behind us and go on from here,” or “My request is that we continue to meet and talk weekly until we can resolve this.” You can use whatever it is that you desire.

 

  1. Trust your intuition, and use as many of these steps as you would like. If the person is not willing to meet with you or clear the situation with you, then move on and let it go. No longer allow them into your energy field and set healthy boundaries.

 

Sometimes people have a hard time clearing conflict because of negative communication patterns. Often these reactions were learned in early childhood as a survival response to a dysfunctional family. In this case they may triangle in other people to take sides, or become passive aggressive and rather than talking with you directly, they will be passive in their aggression in a subversive manner.

More will be shared about this in this communication series.

One of the books I recommend for healthy communication is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

You can find other valuable information in my Self-Help Toolbox!

Share your own tools in resolving conflict in your life.

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Stop Yelling at Me!

by @candesscampbell

Angering at someone is rarely effective. Whether you raise your voice, yell, call names or threaten; it’s really not helpful. What happens is people learn to avoid you or to get back at you by being passive aggressive.

Your feelings of anger are real, but anger is a secondary emotion. Anger covers up feelings of pain or fear. When you feel angry, before you start angering out at someone, ask yourself these questions. What am I afraid of? What hurts? Communicating with others directly about your fears and your pain can open the door for a better relationship.

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When communicating, people often say, “I feel” when they really mean is “I think.” For instance, you may say “I felt attacked when you said such and such.” What you’re really saying is, “You attacked me.” Another way of saying that might be, “I felt scared,” “I felt paralyzed,” or “I felt hurt when you said such and such.”

[clickToTweet tweet=”Communicating directly about your fear and pain can create better relationships.” quote=”Communicating directly about your fear and pain can create better relationships.”]

It’s really difficult communicating with someone who is unwilling to explore the underlying issues in a relationship. If you find yourself wanting to keep busy and distract yourself rather than dealing with the issue or the relationship, the feelings you’re avoiding become buried. Feelings buried alive staying alive. What happens then is those feelings later surface around a similar issue, generally in an explosive reaction. That’s what it means to become triggered.

angry

I was motivated to write this blog after reading a FaceBook post from a man who was angry and calling another person names because of their political view. That is a big issue here in the US right now. I was curious about this man, so I looked at his profile. He listed his profession as a sports coach to high school students. My immediate thought was do parents know that this person is acting as a coach and mentor to their children?

[clickToTweet tweet=”Be Kind – Be Kind – Be Kind!” quote=”“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ― Henry James”]

Feelings of anger are normal. If you are often reactive in an anger manner, it’s rare that you would be able to fix this on your own. Therapy can be really helpful and give you an opportunity to vent in a safe place and not at the person you’re angry with. You can learn some coping tools so you don’t damage your relationships. You may also even heal the underlying pain or make changes to clear the fear.

What is really important, especially now that bullying is so prevalent, is we teach our children how to communicate, not by what we say to them but by what they witness us saying and doing to others. Therapy is a luxury that you can’t afford not to give yourself if your anger tears at the fabric of your relationships.

Response to an Angry Facebook Post

by @candesscampbell

The behavior of angering at someone is rarely effective. Whether you raise your voice, yell, call names or threaten; it’s really not helpful. What happens is people learn to avoid you or to get back at you by being passive aggressive.

Your feelings of anger are real, but anger is a secondary emotion. Anger covers up feelings of pain or fear. When you feel angry, before you start angering out at someone, ask yourself these questions. What am I afraid of? What hurts? Communicating with others directly about your fears and your pain can open the door for a better relationship.

When communicating, people often say, “I feel” when they really meant “I think.” For instance, you may say “I felt attacked when you said such and such.” What you’re really saying is, “You attacked me.” Another way of saying that might be, “I felt scared,” “I felt paralyzed,” or “I felt hurt when you said such and such.”

angryIt’s really difficult communicating with someone who is unwilling to explore the underlying issues in a relationship. If you find yourself wanting to keep busy and distract yourself rather than dealing with the issue or the relationship, the feelings you’re avoiding become buried. Feelings buried alive staying alive. What happens then is those feelings later surface around a similar issue, generally in an explosive reaction. That’s what it means to become triggered.

I was motivated to write this blog after reading a FaceBook post from a man who was angry and calling another person names because of their political view. That is a big issue here in the US right now. I was curious about this man, so I looked at his profile. He listed his profession as a sports coach to high school students. My immediate thought was do parents know that this person is acting as a coach and mentor to their children?

Feelings of anger are normal. If you are often reactive in an anger manner, it’s rare that you would be able to fix this on your own. Therapy can be really helpful and give you an opportunity to vent in a safe place and not at the person you’re angry with. You can learn some coping tools so you don’t damage your relationships. You may also even heal the underlying pain or make changes to clear the fear.

What is really important, especially now that bullying is so prevalent, is we teach our children how to communicate, not by what we say to them but by what they witness us saying and doing to others. Therapy is a luxury that you can’t afford not to give yourself if your anger tears at the fabric of your relationships.

Feelings Buried Alive stay Alive

by @candesscampbell

Lately I have been working with clients around grief. What is helpful to know is that when you have a current loss, past losses surface too. It is like they attach to the current loss. Often people try to stop crying, but I encourage allowing yourself to cry and then distracting yourself for awhile and then crying again. Feelings buried alive stay alive and then you over-react to something and the buried feelings surface in an explosion. When I have grieved in the past, there have been times when I would ask a friend to come “babysit” me. It was when it was helpful to not be alone, even if I didn’t want to talk. I would also ask friends to distract me, such as getting me out to a movie, walk or shop. If you are grieving, allow your friends to help.

Kubler-Ross talks about the five stages of grief. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These can happen in that order and also happen all within one day in chaos. Anger is often the most problematic feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up pain and or fear. When you feel anger, take a moment to ask yourself “Am I in pain?” and “What am I afraid of?”  When you do this you can identify the underlying feeling and are able to feel and heal the core of the anger.

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Anger craves Sugar!

by @candesscampbell

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
― Gloria Steinem

Most people who know me say that I am calm. I think my tendency is to be able to see several sides of a situation and be to accepting. I have a good sense of taking responsibility for myself and looking at my side of a situation and how I have contributed to the problem.

moodblog2

I have been processing the last week. I found…

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