Sexual Addiction!
“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”
― Hunter S. Thompson
Sexual addiction! What is it? With the accessibility of stimulation through the Internet and mobile phones, there is a lot more exposure to the issue of sexual addiction. In my private practice as a mental health and addictions counselor, more and more clients are showing up who need help from this addiction. Actually it is usually the partner of the addict that is either reaching out for help or giving the addict an ultimatum – get help or else. Whether it be prostitution, pornography or chronic masturbation, it can wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of those they love. In response to this, the treatment community has begun to use sexual addiction assessments along with alcohol and drug assessments.
Working as a chemical dependency counselor at a Federal prison camp in the mid-1990s, during the “war on drugs,” we began assessing for childhood sexual abuse and past sexual abuse. Nearly all of the female clients had been sexually abused. Some of the men said yes, but I suspect even with the promise of confidentially, they did not admit to this. Many who have been abused don’t remember, but issues show up later in their relationships.
Most of my clients who were diagnosed as sex addicts had been women and men who had a history of past sexual abuse and at some level attempted to find balance and healing, but instead found themselves in relationships where they became sexually addicted and often exploited. Some went on to be sex offenders. One example is a past client I counseled. He had been abused by his older brother and then went on to sexually abuse his nephew.
A leader in the field of Sexual Addition treatment is Douglas Weiss, PhD. This article summarizes the 6 Types of Sexual Addicts, a model he developed, which became the standard used to certify Sexual Recovery Therapists by the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy.
Six Types of Sexual Addicts
1. Biological Sexual Addict
Weiss states this is the most common sex addict. Basically the behavior is “ring the bell, feed the dog, ring the bell, feed the dog” like Pavlov’s conditioning. What happens is during orgasm; the endorphins that are released create an attachment to what is happening at the time. So whether this is a real or imaged person, the chemical release in the brain creates a bond. These endorphins, “almost four times as strong as morphine,” are the highest chemical reward the brain can come by, legally. Therefore, “your brain literally glues to, hungers for, craves, and wants to repeat that activity again.”
Weiss states that the Biological Sex Addict probably represents less than 15% of all sexual addicts, and is the baseline of all the sexual addictions. Most also have components of the other five types.
In my own counseling practice, many of my female clients who have a history of sexual abuse fall for his type of addict. They become the sexual object for them.
2. Psychological Sexual Addict
This person is often the one who has experienced emotional or physical abuse in his life. Due to the lack of love, touch, or security, as a child he sets up a fantasy life. This sense of neglect can carry on into adulthood and when his needs sare not met at home, he creates a fantasy world where he feels adored, worshiped, and desired. This is the man who fantasizes he is the best, the biggest, the greatest, etc. If he has been dominated in his life he may fantasize as being the one who is dominating.
In his psychological fantasy, he feels sexually powerful, loved and wanted. In his imagination, he doesn’t have to deal with real women who may say no, ask him for commitment, ask for help with the housework or ask for emotional intimacy. Once this fantasy is paired with the powerful chemical endorphins, he is hooked.
3. Spiritual Based Sexual Addict
Similar to the psychological sexual addict, this addict is looking for a connection. There is a strong desire for a spiritual connection. They look to find it within their sexual addiction. In this case, once they have a spiritual experience through a religious encounter, an experience with Jesus or another guide or Guru, the sexual addiction stops. “Their sexual addiction just plain stops, because that’s where the origin of the ache or the need was for the individual.” These people rarely get help within the clinical community.
4. Trauma Based Sexual Addict
The trauma based sexual addict is the client I have most experience with. In this case, he or she has experienced sexual trauma, most likely as a child or adolescent. These clients go on to mirror their trauma in their relationships. For example a young girl who was sexually abused by an older uncle may end up in relationship after relationship with older men. She may despise herself for this, but continue the behavior and recreate the shame. A woman who has been physically abused in conjunction with a sexual trauma may act out being abused in the sexual act in order to be satisfied and make attempt after attempt to find the right partner, shaming herself all the way. She becomes a sexual addict that is also the sexual object of another addict.
5. Intimacy Anorexic
Although a separate issue from sexual addiction, Weiss states intimacy anorexia affects around 29% of sex addicts. Generally, the anorexic behavior is related to “sex addiction, sexual trauma, neglect in the family and cross gender attachment disorder.” There also may be related to other co-occurring disorders. Weiss describes intimacy anorexia as when a “spouse intentionally withholds emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.” They may control through silence, anger, or withholding money. They blame their spouse, withhold love, tend to be critical, and are unwilling to talk about their feelings. This is a difficult situation for the addict because as they are working on their own recovery, whether it be abstaining from prostitutes, masturbation, or pornography, they also need to learn to move toward their spouse or partner and re-create a healthy relationship. They have to learn to feel and communicate their feelings.
6. Mood Disorder
Sexual addicts who also have a mood disorder are another type of sex addict. Weiss shared about clients who were bipolar or had cyclothymic disorder and were medicating the imbalance neurologically through the ejaculation response. Until the medication was adjusted properly, they continued to relapse.
When you hear the term sexual addict, it may conjure up an image of someone being sexual, playful and having fun. The truth is the very opposite. Although the sexual thoughts and behavior may start that way, as in any addiction, the person loses control and their life spirals downward. Sexual addicts generally have low self-esteem and believe no one will love them as they are. They lack emotional intimacy and are continually pre-occupied with sex and sexual fantasies. They feel out of control and experience mood swings. They are filled with feelings of guilt and shame.
You may wonder, how sexual addiction is different from normal sexual behavior.
Weiss explains, “in a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context. He/she is gluing to the person, the eyes, and the soul of the person he/she is being sexual with.” This is different than having the object of sexual fulfillment being images that do not respond. Addiction creates lack of control, shame, and self-loathing and destroys relationships.
As with all addictions, recovery is a one-day at a time process. Interventions and treatment planning is different for each specific person. Most often when one is treated for sexual addition, the chances of recovery are better when their spouse or partner is involved.
In addition to treatment centers like the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where Dr. Weiss is the Executive Director, there are also 12 Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. https://saa-recovery.org/ There are several other similar programs that provide help.
The Six Types of Sexual Addicts information came from a written interview of Dr. Weiss by Barbara Alexander and my email communication with him.
Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and the author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery (Discovery Press, 2008).
Heart to Heart Counseling Center 719-278-3708
heart2heart@xc.org. Website www.sexaddict.com.
This article was originally published In Live Encounters Magazine!
Sexual Compromise
Communication between couples has evolved over the last decade. Often they actually negotiate their sexual desires with each other. Whether or not they come to a mutual conclusion is another story. Even television commercials poke fun at the difference in men and women’s libido and their desire for sex. Of course this is a general perspective and definitely there are women who are poking at their men too.
The scope of this article relates to committed relationships. Casual sexual relationships have a whole different dynamic that won’t be explored here. So let’s take an example.
It was an incredible night. Brandon and Emma celebrated their seven-year anniversary at Alinea, a modern Chicago restaurant with excellent reviews. Having had a busy week, they planned a quite evening together. As a law professor at Loyola, Emma worked long hours and at varied times during the week. Brandon traveled as an international broker and this left them juggling for relaxed time together.
After a delicious meal of king crab and scallops, with fine white wine, they walked along the lakefront in Lincoln Park, reflecting back on when they met. The first time in many years, they reminisced about their combined dreams. The night was perfect. The streets were unusually quiet as they visited a couple galleries and enjoyed the city lights.
In the cab ride home they sat quietly enjoying the smell and the warmth of each other’s bodies. Emma felt content as she noticed they were breathing together as one. Once home, already having had a couple drinks, they moved directly into the bedroom. Intimacy had given way to work for the last few months, and they were finally at ease. They crawled into bed and she looked at him adoringly as she kissed him. She thanked him profusely for the wonderful evening. He began to kiss her passionately and his hands began to explore her curves. His expectation and hers collided.
She – had a wonderful night, hadn’t been intimate with him for a long time, has been stressed and busy at work, wants to close her eyes and experience the sensations of being in love and cuddle.
He – finally had time with his wife. Has not had sex with her for weeks. Planned this evening so they could finally be sexual again. Did all the right moves as far as planning goes and is ready to “finish the deal.”
Sound familiar? We could change the names, city, careers, circumstances just like a fill in the blanks puzzle, but overall, internationally, the results are the same.
So, who compromises in the sexual arena and at what cost? Her need and desire is for closeness, commitment, security and love. He desire is for a woman, Emma, who will be there for him, being sexual when he wants her to be, to share activities and the convenience of love.
She responds to romance and sexuality when there is ambiance, connection, closeness and communication. Brandon focuses on his virility and what I refer to as his “puffing peacock” stance. History between Brandon and Emma around negotiating intercourse has shown him this is a precarious time, so he is aware of not triggering any reactions from her.
Nevertheless, whether or not the evening ends with the couple joyfully entangled or not – who’s to know? Maybe you can relate.
Who is responsible for ones sexual expression, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure? This case was not so extreme, but what would you do if you were in a committed relationship or marriage and your partner/spouse continually said no? Is it your moral and religious obligation to stay; to stay faithful and live the rest of your life without being sexual with your wife or husband?
If you are a woman who is sexually unresponsive or non-orgasmic, either due to lack of physical desire (possibly hormonal,) illness, or having a husband who goes straight to the sexual act with no ability or understanding how to engage you and fire your desire; what do you do?
At what point do women add having sex to their list along with doing the laundry, picking up groceries and attending their daughter’s dance recital? When I was in India recently, I sat at the breakfast table before my friend completed his yogic breathing. I had tea and checked my email. Every morning I heard what sounded like a woman having an orgasm. I was with my friend’s family and I didn’t speak Bengali and they didn’t speak English. They didn’t seem to notice, but, nevertheless, I felt embarrassed. I shared this with my friend when he joined me and he said, oh, no, Indian women don’t make noise. Really I asked. He assured me this was true and said she must be praying.
Well, I didn’t buy it! Later we continued our conversation, which lead to American woman being passionate and vocally expressive. I explained this was also a validation to their lover. This discussion of course was destined to end up talking about “faking it.” He had not even conceived of any such behavior by women and ultimately in my need to be right, I searched youtube on my Mac Air and found the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. (link here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hY7_CNuEQY
My friend was astonished and definitely humored by this funny scene. Then, the sound I had been hearing every morning began and I begged, “listen, listen there it is.” He looked at me with surprise and said, “she is praying.” Okay, he was right.
Right or wrong, I believe every sexual relationship has compromise. The hope would be that each person takes his or her share of compromise, but more often it is one person who gives in. What is the cost? Resentment, lack of true intimacy, aggression, depression, marital prostitution; I could go on. Most likely the couples separate at least emotionally, if not physically. Whether an affair ensues or not, there is an unspoken agreement, and they live as roommates, or what I call, married singles.
Delving so deeply into this topic, I yearn for a solution; so here it is. To men I ask that you understand that foreplay is not rubbing up against a woman, telling her about how great you are, or beginning to kiss and fondle her with the expectation of sex. If you don’t have a satisfying pattern of sexuality, or if your intimacy is routine and stagnant, please understand. For most women, foreplay begins at least anywhere from 12 – 72 hours prior to intercourse. Women are sensual and emotional beings. Engage their senses. Get to know your woman. Does she like her back rubbed with scented oil, to have you whisper in her ear or kiss the back of her neck? Is she responsive to the vibe of a candle or burning fire, to jewelry or flowers? Does she become stimulated by a romantic and succulent meal or a night on the town? These behaviors begin long before the sexual encounter.
To women who love men whose sexual desire overrides yours, please speak up. Men in general are not nearly as complicated as you might think. Communication is absolute, and generally women must take the lead in this area. Communicate, even when it is difficult and you keep hitting roadblocks. When you are together and sexuality is not the immediate issue, take some time to share what you like. Share whether it is better for you when you advance toward him with intimacy, or when he moves toward you with desire. Let him know what is stimulating for you and what sets the mood. Men in general love to please women! Give him the roadmap so both of you can enjoy the journey.
Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.
This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine where Candess is a monthly contributor.
July 2014 Astrological Forecast
Stillwatersastro.com
July 1st: Mercury turns direct in Gemini. A collective sigh of relief ushers in the second half of 2014 as Mercury steps forward after 23 days of retrograde in June. As if on queue, Mercury’s most recent retrograde period insisted that we take time to digest and integrate the effects of the spring season’s powerful transits.
July 12th: Full Moon in Capricorn/Cancer and Mercury enters Cancer. The first Full Moon of the summer season in the northern hemisphere initiates the first of three consecutive Super Full Moons during July, August, and September. A “Super Moon” is distinguished by its “perigee” or close proximity in orbiting the Earth. Super Moons magnify the lunar effects of human emotions, seismic activity, and weather patterns. Family traditions and transitions are also highlighted by this Full Moon in the Cancer cycle. Mercury’s arrival in Cancer on July 12th further underscores the qualities of today’s Full Moon: For every completion there will be a new beginning.
July 16th: Jupiter enters Leo. For the first time in twelve years exuberant Jupiter returns to the sign of Leo where it will be the life of the party during the next year. Jupiter’s expansive nature can produce over extension in risks, socializing, and spending, so temper actions with wisdom.
July 18th: Venus enters Cancer. Lady Venus arrives in the nurturing sign of Cancer lending her grace to help calm and sooth the peak events of this year’s solar cycle in Leo.
July 20th: Saturn stations direct in Scorpio. Saturn turns direct for the first time since March 2nd. The planet of authority will complete the year in the sign of Sagittarius near the winter Solstice.
July 21st: Uranus stations retrograde in Aries. Transiting Uranus steps back in Aries to continue its square dance with Pluto in Capricorn resulting in yet another transformational exact square between 12 and 13 degrees of longitude in the Cardinal Signs by mid December 2014.
July 22nd: Sun enters Leo. The annual Leo solar cycle begins with a close conjunction to Jupiter in Leo for the first time in twelve years. The Leo cycle represents a creative period each year characterized by r the arts, crafts, and music.
July 25th: Mars enters Scorpio. Mars completes an eight month tour in the sign of Libra today including three months retrograde beginning on March 1st. Mars will activate both Saturn in Scorpio and Uranus in Aries during the last two weeks of August. The alignments of these three planets during July and August could heighten international tensions.
July 26th: New Moon in Leo. Thismonth’s New Moon in Leo closely conjoins with Jupiter in Leo during a rare rendezvous that is very fortunate for beginning new initiatives.
July 31st: Mercury enters Leo. Fleet footed Mercury covers three signs in a single month: Gemini, Cancer, and Leo. Mercury arrives in Leo on the final day of July, and will partner with the Sun and Jupiter in Leo during the first eight days of August.
Thanks to Lee for this great Forecast. You can also contact him for guidance in your life through your own personal chart. He has supported me in my work for many years. I especially enjoy getting reports for romantic and business relationships!
Clearing the Past
“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Over the years, what I have taught is manifesting and creating the life you want. In order to do this, you have to bring the past into “present time.” What I mean by this is that when you focus on the past and live in the past, your life is controlled by what you felt and thought in the past. What happens is you continue to feel those feelings in the present. Living in the past leaves no room for what you are experiencing in the present. Living in the past, having your thoughts and feelings consumed by the past, can also control your future. Your past becomes your future.
Living in the future creates anxiety.
Living in the past creates depression.
When I talk about healing the past, what I hear most is “how do I do that?” Well, there are many modalities for healing the past. One that I teach is to become aware of the memories and the wounds. Feel them and change your beliefs around them. Your feelings are a result of your beliefs. Often your beliefs flitter so quickly in your mind, you have difficulty noticing them, grabbing them and examining them.
The ones you can identify is where to start. In your journal, write out a list of people and situations where you have been hurt or angry. Allow yourself to feel your feelings as you remember. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
Look at where you may have contributed to the situation. Take inventory of your own actions. You can use the successful process from the Big Book of AA. When taking inventory, write out where you were selfish, self-centered, frightened, or to blame.
Now, you may not have had any responsibility in the situation, especially if you were a child. In that case, look at what was going on in the other person’s life at the time.
People do the best they can at the time. Sometimes their best is destructive and hurtful to others, but it still is the best they can do with the awareness, teachings and the consciousness they have at the time. Are there some things you would like to do that you don’t do? Are there things you do that you wish you didn’t? Have you behaved in the past in ways you would not behave today because you know better? No one is perfect.
Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up pain or fear.
You may have had desires, demands or expectations of someone. Then you find they didn’t either give you what you wanted or they behaved in ways that hurt you.
If this is so and is in the past, in order to heal yourself and move on, you can forgive them. If it is a present situation, then you can make choices on how you choose to handle the situation. If choose to continue to stay in a destructive situation, it is your choice. The responsibility then becomes yours. You cannot blame the other person when you choose to stay. What happens when you blame someone else is, they then have the power to change the situation and you become a victim. When you take responsibility for your choices, you remain empowered and in control of your life.
If you still have a lot of pain or anger about the situation, write out what happened to you. You can write it over and over until the “sting” or “charge” is gone. You may want to read it over and over to a safe, loved one until it is no longer controlling you. You can forgive and move on. This does not mean you agree with what happened, it just means it no longer controls you.
Only you have the ability to clear your past and live fully in present time, thus giving you the power to create the life you want to live.
Clearing frees you to live in present time.
Live Intuitively: Journal the Wisdom of your Soul will help you with writing prompts called Soul Stems™ to heal your memories and emotions.
Meditation
“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh, Stepping into Freedom: Rules of Monastic Practice for Novices
The greatest gift I have found to develop a greater intuitive experience is meditation. It was in my meditative experience one morning I was given a specific meditation I now use.
Many of you already meditate and if you do, that is wonderful! You know the value of creating this time for yourself and the incredible connection you find with your Higher Self and the Divine. For many there is also the experience of connecting and communicating with Angels or Guides.
Many people who have tried meditation and don’t continue often think they are doing it wrong. Let me clarify some of the misconceptions. In meditation, you will not stop thinking. You have a central nervous system and therefore your brain will be thinking. What happens instead is you quiet your thoughts and rather than active thinking, you have what I call passive thinking. This means thoughts will enter and go by, but you just notice and don’t actively follow them. You can then return to your quiet mind.
I have also found people have a hard time quieting their mind when they meditate in the middle of the day or in the evening. I like to meditate first thing in the morning before leaving my bed. This allows me to tap into the wisdom of my subconscious mind and my Higher Self that has guided my dreams. Meditating in the morning also allows me to become filled with the Light of the Divine first thing in the morning!
For those who have not began the practice of meditation, here is a simple way to begin. Here is the meditation I have been given.
Set a timer to begin. This will help you to lengthen the time of your meditation.
As in other meditations, sit with your spine straight. I like to place my hands on my lap with my thumb, index and middle finger touching, facing upward.
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and relax and adjust your body as needed.
Image a grounding cord such as a beam of light, a waterfall or a tree trunk going down from the base of your spine to the fiery center of Mother Earth. Release all the stress, tension and foreign energy down from the top of your head, down your face, shoulders, arms, hands, chest, upper and lower back, belly, pelvic area, hips, legs, ankles, and feet down your grounding cord.
Take another breath and bring your attention to above your head, to your crown chakra. Imagine a golden white Light spiraling down through the top of your head and spiraling in your heart. This is the spark of the Divine within you! This spiraling Light will emanate Light throughout your body and a few inches outside your body all around you.
Bring your attention to your third eye, which is between your eyes and a little above. Envision a water-blue color triangle at your third eye. Focus your attention through this triangle. Above your head about eight inches envision a burning ring of fire. This is the Eternal Flame of Isis. I share more about the triangle and the burning ring of fire when I teach intuitive reading.
Now you have the Golden Light Spiral, the Blue Triangle and the Fiery Ring of Fire set, bring your attention to your eyes. With your eyes still closed, move your eyes from right to left back and forth about 12 – 20 times. The pace is about one second for each set of from right to left and back. You can adjust this later to the best pace for yourself. This movement will be like pushing your eyes (with them closed) back and forth.
What you will notice is this takes you into a deeper into a meditative state. This increases with practice. Stop the eye movement and just be. Just notice what you experience. Stay in passive thinking and just experience and notice.
If you find you are thinking and lose the meditative sense, or you begin to come out of meditation, then use the eye movements back and forth to deepen again. This brings you back into a meditative state.
You may need to use the eye movement several times to deepen your meditation and this is fine. This takes practice, but if you commit to every day for a week, with a timer, this can change your life and increase not only your intuition, but your relationship with your Self and the Divine!
An added bonus, this eye movement is also therapeutic. It can assist in healing memories and traumas because moving your eyes from one side to the other activates the two hemispheres of the brain. When you begin your meditation you can set an intention of healing a specific situation, emotion, feeling, or thought.
Originally published in LiveEncounters
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