Sexual Compromise
Communication between couples has evolved over the last decade. Often they actually negotiate their sexual desires with each other. Whether or not they come to a mutual conclusion is another story. Even television commercials poke fun at the difference in men and women’s libido and their desire for sex. Of course this is a general perspective and definitely there are women who are poking at their men too.
The scope of this article relates to committed relationships. Casual sexual relationships have a whole different dynamic that won’t be explored here. So let’s take an example.
It was an incredible night. Brandon and Emma celebrated their seven-year anniversary at Alinea, a modern Chicago restaurant with excellent reviews. Having had a busy week, they planned a quite evening together. As a law professor at Loyola, Emma worked long hours and at varied times during the week. Brandon traveled as an international broker and this left them juggling for relaxed time together.
After a delicious meal of king crab and scallops, with fine white wine, they walked along the lakefront in Lincoln Park, reflecting back on when they met. The first time in many years, they reminisced about their combined dreams. The night was perfect. The streets were unusually quiet as they visited a couple galleries and enjoyed the city lights.
In the cab ride home they sat quietly enjoying the smell and the warmth of each other’s bodies. Emma felt content as she noticed they were breathing together as one. Once home, already having had a couple drinks, they moved directly into the bedroom. Intimacy had given way to work for the last few months, and they were finally at ease. They crawled into bed and she looked at him adoringly as she kissed him. She thanked him profusely for the wonderful evening. He began to kiss her passionately and his hands began to explore her curves. His expectation and hers collided.
She – had a wonderful night, hadn’t been intimate with him for a long time, has been stressed and busy at work, wants to close her eyes and experience the sensations of being in love and cuddle.
He – finally had time with his wife. Has not had sex with her for weeks. Planned this evening so they could finally be sexual again. Did all the right moves as far as planning goes and is ready to “finish the deal.”
Sound familiar? We could change the names, city, careers, circumstances just like a fill in the blanks puzzle, but overall, internationally, the results are the same.
So, who compromises in the sexual arena and at what cost? Her need and desire is for closeness, commitment, security and love. He desire is for a woman, Emma, who will be there for him, being sexual when he wants her to be, to share activities and the convenience of love.
She responds to romance and sexuality when there is ambiance, connection, closeness and communication. Brandon focuses on his virility and what I refer to as his “puffing peacock” stance. History between Brandon and Emma around negotiating intercourse has shown him this is a precarious time, so he is aware of not triggering any reactions from her.
Nevertheless, whether or not the evening ends with the couple joyfully entangled or not – who’s to know? Maybe you can relate.
Who is responsible for ones sexual expression, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure? This case was not so extreme, but what would you do if you were in a committed relationship or marriage and your partner/spouse continually said no? Is it your moral and religious obligation to stay; to stay faithful and live the rest of your life without being sexual with your wife or husband?
If you are a woman who is sexually unresponsive or non-orgasmic, either due to lack of physical desire (possibly hormonal,) illness, or having a husband who goes straight to the sexual act with no ability or understanding how to engage you and fire your desire; what do you do?
At what point do women add having sex to their list along with doing the laundry, picking up groceries and attending their daughter’s dance recital? When I was in India recently, I sat at the breakfast table before my friend completed his yogic breathing. I had tea and checked my email. Every morning I heard what sounded like a woman having an orgasm. I was with my friend’s family and I didn’t speak Bengali and they didn’t speak English. They didn’t seem to notice, but, nevertheless, I felt embarrassed. I shared this with my friend when he joined me and he said, oh, no, Indian women don’t make noise. Really I asked. He assured me this was true and said she must be praying.
Well, I didn’t buy it! Later we continued our conversation, which lead to American woman being passionate and vocally expressive. I explained this was also a validation to their lover. This discussion of course was destined to end up talking about “faking it.” He had not even conceived of any such behavior by women and ultimately in my need to be right, I searched youtube on my Mac Air and found the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. (link here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hY7_CNuEQY
My friend was astonished and definitely humored by this funny scene. Then, the sound I had been hearing every morning began and I begged, “listen, listen there it is.” He looked at me with surprise and said, “she is praying.” Okay, he was right.
Right or wrong, I believe every sexual relationship has compromise. The hope would be that each person takes his or her share of compromise, but more often it is one person who gives in. What is the cost? Resentment, lack of true intimacy, aggression, depression, marital prostitution; I could go on. Most likely the couples separate at least emotionally, if not physically. Whether an affair ensues or not, there is an unspoken agreement, and they live as roommates, or what I call, married singles.
Delving so deeply into this topic, I yearn for a solution; so here it is. To men I ask that you understand that foreplay is not rubbing up against a woman, telling her about how great you are, or beginning to kiss and fondle her with the expectation of sex. If you don’t have a satisfying pattern of sexuality, or if your intimacy is routine and stagnant, please understand. For most women, foreplay begins at least anywhere from 12 – 72 hours prior to intercourse. Women are sensual and emotional beings. Engage their senses. Get to know your woman. Does she like her back rubbed with scented oil, to have you whisper in her ear or kiss the back of her neck? Is she responsive to the vibe of a candle or burning fire, to jewelry or flowers? Does she become stimulated by a romantic and succulent meal or a night on the town? These behaviors begin long before the sexual encounter.
To women who love men whose sexual desire overrides yours, please speak up. Men in general are not nearly as complicated as you might think. Communication is absolute, and generally women must take the lead in this area. Communicate, even when it is difficult and you keep hitting roadblocks. When you are together and sexuality is not the immediate issue, take some time to share what you like. Share whether it is better for you when you advance toward him with intimacy, or when he moves toward you with desire. Let him know what is stimulating for you and what sets the mood. Men in general love to please women! Give him the roadmap so both of you can enjoy the journey.
Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.
This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine where Candess is a monthly contributor.
Commitment
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
As stated in the beginning of this year, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment has been to come closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.
The reality is, when you are in relationship, and especially when you create a new intimate relationship, all the unfinished emotional business is right in your face. It reminds me of the “PigPen” character from Charlie Brown, except the dust and dirt is literally right in your face!
You have to learn to set boundaries, compromise, be compassionate, communication clearly, understand yours is not the only perspective and the list is nearly endless.
Even more than that, when you are in an intimate relationship, it is necessary to become vulnerable. Of course, it is best to choose a partner who is safe so you can be vulnerable! Most of us have been hurt in the past. Staying in “present time” with your new love is important. It is not helpful to treat your current partner as if she or he is going to behave like the one who cheated on you, could not communicate at all, or had a slight attachment disorder and played “come here, go away!”
So a few things to think about in your relationships.
1. You will tend to be happier if you don’t fall in love with potential. When you are evaluating your choices around relationship, ask yourself if you would be happy with this person long term, even if she or he did not change anything at all. Most likely other people don’t change just because we want them to.
2. Speak up in the beginning of the relationship and let your needs be known. Many people don’t rock the boat for fear the other person will leave or not like them; especially in the beginning excitement of the relationship. Tell your partner who you are, what you want and be real about it. Too often I see people keep quiet and then either become angry when the other person doesn’t know what they want. They expect the one they love to be a mind reader. Then they either blow up on the outside and become angry and argumentative or on the inside and become ill and/or passive aggressive. If they leave when you communicate, they are not a good fit. You deserve to be loved for who you are.
3. Opposites may attract, but in the long run, if you don’t have the same interests, it is difficult to stay connected. If you are single and looking for a relationship: look in the places that you already go.
4. And lastly, when your relationship is with your family – understand neutrality and amusement. When there is conflict, see your family from a neutral place. It is not helpful to try to change them or get them to see things your way. Who has been able to change you and change how you think by telling you over and over. Be amused at how they choose to live their life and focus back on yourself and create happiness in your own life.
Why People Cheat
After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.
Having been a professional counselor and intuitive reader for many years, I have been privy to the inside of many relationships, at least through the eyes of my client.
In any relationship, the foundation to having a positive and healthy experience is having good self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value one puts on themselves, how they feel about themselves and a belief of how others perceive them. Many years ago I attended the second weekend workshop of the Landmark Forum. This workshop is geared to assist the participants in becoming more positive in their lives by having a “break-through” in awareness. You might say it is a 3-day coaching program. Although, for the most part, the participants were successful and generally happy people, at the end of the day, hundreds of participants got up and shared from an exercise they completed the underlying issue behind their difficulties was they did not believe they were either worthy or deserving.
Although this was a small sample of the population, it is challenging for me not to generalize to most people. Given this premise, it would make sense that people who are in committed relationships cheat in order to have an external validation of themselves; of their worth and their value.
It would be remiss of me not to also address our human need to love and be loved. As a counselor who has worked with thousands of people, I have to understand one’s ability to express and receive love through the lens of their history, beginning with the birth experience on. Each person is different in their ability and desire for intimacy and need to experience the other person as a source of love.
When I ask others why people cheat some of the the responses are “to boost their self-esteem,” “because they are selfish,” and “because they are not getting certain needs met by their partner.” This issue is clearly not black and white.
When clients come to me for a session, ready to end their marriage or long-term relationship, often I ask them when they first knew this was not working, or not going to work. More often than not, they say, right away, or the first week, sometimes even the first day. One of the main reasons I believe relationships don’t work, is people do not listen to their intuition in the first place. The intensity of the relationship, the pheromones, adrenaline, sexual attraction replaces not only what they think (red flags,) but also their gut feeling, their own intuition.
Having said that, once committed, Why Do People Cheat?
Aside from low self-esteem, lack of communication is definitely one of the main issues. In the intensity of the initial meeting and connection, everything about the person is great. If not so great, although not true, the belief is where the other is not what you want, they will change. Small disagreements are soon met with make-up sessions of love and passion. The ability to communicate may never be addressed and the he relationship over time may not deepen. Rather than searching for answers (which you can find online, in books and with counselors, ministers and healers) the person reaches for someone who adores them, finds them attractive, or gives them what they want without any need for clear communication.
With the lack of communication also can come control issues. Some of the ways that one control are not allowing their loved one to have the freedom to spend time with their friends, controlling the money, or not allowing their partner to work outside the home. Passive aggressive behavior may take over and one partner will withhold sex, or become withdrawn and depressed. Not all depression is a form of passive aggressiveness, but it can be for some. These control issues can include verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the controlled partner eventually finds solace in the arms of another.
When one looks for validation from others, they may create an intimate relationship outside the for the sole purpose of identity and self-esteem. One may marry because the other person “looks good” and makes them “look good.” This is the concept of the “trophy wife.” Women often marry men who have power or money. This would be a marriage that has the prostitute archetype activated. There is a trade between the partners. In these cases, the agreement of the marriage does not satisfy the need for love or the intense sexuality that they may crave and so they may have a love partner on the side.
This desire for love and sexual satisfaction can also be a reason one will cheat when there is no longer love or affection in the marriage. After years of being together, the couple may grow apart and feel as if they are “married singles.” They long for connection and to feel young and alive and because the marriage seems to be dead, they find a lover or maybe even fall in love with another person. Then they have the decision to stay in the marriage or leave.
When one falls in love or wants to fall in love again, rather than leaving, they may stay married and cheat because of family religious obligations, not wanting to upset the children or other family members, or financial dependency or security. They feel stuck, yet make a decision on values of one sort, and giving up the value of fidelity. Another reason similar to this, is one who cannot stand up for themselves. They keep quiet and live the life they despise. This again can be from low self-esteem and in these cases often become passive aggressive, thus an affair.
In some cases, I have seen where clients have had affairs because they have a spouse who is ill. They stay in the marriage to care for their loved one and may still be very much in love, but they are not able to get emotional needs met. Financial dependency or family expectations may also be involved and rather than being unhappy, they make the decision to fill themselves up with love from another.
One of the most common situations I have seen has been when someone cheats because of revenge. This can be because they were cheated on, or because their partner is just not doing what they want. They justify their behavior because they are not happy and take no responsibility for creating happiness for themselves.
More recently, it has come out into the open that some people who are gay, marry to create a public presence that is acceptable. This has happened in politics and other areas where one would lose a lot to be open about their sexuality. Many people who were gay married and created families before society began to be more open and continued to hide behind the façade and have love lives separate from their marriage.
And finally, and possibly the most common reason people cheat is love addiction. As a counselor, I am most privy to this. Love addiction is a combination of many of these reasons: low self-esteem, need for validation, often alcoholism and/or drug addiction, anger and vengeance and more. Love addiction can be a dangerous cycle of creating relationship, getting hurt, feeling desperate, finding a new lover immediately, and the cycle starts again.
This article has delved into why people cheat. Hopefully, you begin to think outside the box of right and wrong, the black and white perspective and understand that some reasons are clearly destructive, some freeing and healing and in all cases, difficult decisions to make.
This article was previously published in Live Encounters magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6969
April’s Cardinal Cross: The Seasons of Our Lives In One Month
Many people have been affected by the upcoming energy of the Grand Cross so I asked my astrologer to help us to understand what it means.
Enjoy this guest blog by Lee of Stillwaters Astro! http://stillwatersastro.com/ – Candess
Much has been discussed in recent months about the meaning and potential effects of April’s “Cardinal Grand Cross.” Just what does it mean to experience the combined effects of four planets each playing its own role in one of the four Cardinal signs forming a very close alignment in the shape of a cross in the same month?
The four Cardinal signs of the Tropical Zodiac are Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn that signify the beginning of the four seasons with the Sun’s annual arrival at zero degrees of longitude in each Cardinal sign. Cardinal signs can be described as “initiatory” corridors that usher in the official arrival of the Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter seasons each year.
Just as the seasons change with the arrival of Spring (birth), Summer (growth), Autumn (decline), and Winter (death), so do human lives in the course of each passing season and year.
The April 2014 Cardinal Grand Cross consists of a unique alignment of the planets Uranus in the sign of Aries, Jupiter in the sign of Cancer, Mars in the sign of Libra, and Pluto in the sign of Capricorn. These four planets form the symbol of a “Cross” within a single degree of an exact alignment that reaches its closest aspect during April 20th – 23rd. This Cardinal Grand Cross is further distinguished by its placement near the midpoint of two eclipses during the final two weeks of April.
The combined effects of so much focused celestial energy compressed within two weeks indicates completions and new beginnings both globally and individually as we experience the energies of all four seasons within a single month.
Stillwaters Astrology – April 2014
April 5th: Venus enters Pisces. The planet of beauty, love, and relationships joins Mercury, Chiron, and Neptune in the transcendent sign of Pisces bringing a welcome soothing quality to an otherwise intense month of April.
April 7th: Mercury enters Aries. The planet of communications picks up its pace as it departs sensitive Pisces and enters the aggressive fire sign of Aries. Mercury will receive an up close preview to report to us as it aspects the key Cardinal Grand Cross players of Jupiter, Uranus, Pluto, and Mars from April 14th – 16th. Those with planets or chart angles between 11 to 15 degrees in the Cardinal signs of Aries, Cancer, Libra, or Capricorn will be most affected by April’s Cardinal Grand Cross.
April 14th: Pluto retrogrades in Capricorn. The planet of transformation reverses direction on the eve of a Total Lunar Eclipse. As Pluto steps backwards in Capricorn for the first time since April 2013 it partners with Mars already in retrograde during next week’s Cardinal Grand Cross while Jupiter and Uranus maintain their course in direct forward motion.
April 15th: Full Moon in Libra/Aries Total Lunar Eclipse. Today’s Total Lunar Eclipse is analogous to the April 15th, 1995 Lunar Eclipse that preceded the catastrophic bombing of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma within four days on the morning of April 19th, 1995. Easter arrives this year on Sunday, April 20th, 2014, so it’s wise to be very conscious in activities with so many unpredictable collective dynamics during the second half of April.
April 19th: Sun enters Taurus. The Sun arrives in the earthy fixed sign of Taurus on the eve of Easter just in time to provide some ballast and grounding for the closest alignment of the initiatory Cardinal Grand Cross during the next four days.
April 23rd: Mercury enters Taurus. Just as the Cardinal Grand Cross completes its peak performance (including an exact 90 degree square aspect between Uranus and Pluto on April 21st), Mercury lends support to the Sun in Taurus by helping citizens of the global village return to terra firma and adjust to April’s celestial currents.
April 28th: New Moon in Taurus Solar Eclipse. April concludes with a Solar Eclipse in the earth sign of Taurus. After the transformational events of the past four weeks we now arrive at an opportune time to sow seeds for new beginnings.
Lee, founder of Stillwaters Astrology, is an intuitive astrologer of 23 years, providing expert astrology readings. Astrological services include natal charts, relationship compatibility through synastry and composite charts, personal life timing through transits, progressions, solar returns, and relocation astrology for changes in residence or travel. http://stillwatersastro.com/
Commitment
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
Relationships may be the most important aspect of your life. This year, my commitment is and has been to bring myself closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.
Truly, I understand with relationships there are so many components. We have to learn to set healthy boundaries, know when to compromise, practice compassion, learn to have clear communication, and to understand it really is all about perspective. The list is nearly endless. Stay tuned as I share with you my process (probably similar to yours,) in the area of relationships.
Often we become inspired by and motivated by the process of others. Join me in exploring and creating healthy relationships.