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Match a Master!

by @candesscampbell

I am realistic – I expect miracles.

Wayne W. Dyer

When I was taking classes in Meditation and Healing at the Church of the Divine Man many years ago, they taught about “matching” other people’s energy. An example is, if you are around someone who is angry, you may match him or her and become angry. When you are around someone peaceful, you can match him or her and become peaceful. I have been teaching this in my counseling practice for years and helped clients understand they can change how they feel by becoming aware and making choices.

I remember reading a study in one of my books (which I will find to update this blog) that had three plants. One plant was the control and the plant was watered without any variables. The second plant was watered with water that was held by someone very happy and positive for a period of time. The third plant was watered with water that was held for a period of time by someone who was clinically depressed. Of course, the result was the plant watered by the person who was happy and positve  grew the most. The plant watered by the person who was depressed had stunted growth. The control plant grew somewhere in the middle of the others.

Quantum physics has taught us that everything is energy, including humans, and it makes sense we affect each other in subtle and powerful ways.  When I feel blue, a little grumpy, I will put on a CD by someone like Wayne Dyer to raise my mood, to shift my energy. Conversely, when I binge on old country music from my childhood, such as listening to Sunday Morning Coming Down by Kris Kristofferson (whose work I love), I have to pick myself up off the floor!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTJiW_7S2Dk

What inspired me to write this blog today, a re-write from a former blog is I had a conversation with someone yesterday who is thinking of putting his 15 year old in a residential program for mental illness. The child has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which is treatable and fairly rare. I know this child and it became clear to me that this particular sensitive child would not do well there. The facility has many children who are depressed, and believe me, my heart goes out to them. Putting a child who is not depressed though, one with an anxiety disorder and who is sensitive is not the right move. The child will match the other’s energy and may come out of this long term care program worse than going in.

Whenever you have a situation that you don’t know how to handle, becoming educated is so helpful. I will write another time about OCD, but if you know someone with this disorder, I highly recommend Loving Someone with OCD: Help for you and your Family.

What you can do when you want to get energized when you are feeling low is to find those who you admire or vibrate at a higher level than you do. You will know this by how you feel when you are around them. For instance, sometimes I will watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. When she interviews leaders in spirituality such as Eckhart Tolle or Marianne Williamson, I cannot help but feel more peaceful and hopeful. It is a passive way of shifting how you think and feel. You can match their energy!

My focus in my work for years has been to empower others to access their Essence. My teaching are to assist them to access their own intuition and to realize who they truly are and to manifest their dreams in their lives.  You too can match others who lift and elevate you and stay connected to powerful, manifesting energy.

Please take some time to think about who energizes you.

Who helps you become your better Self? Who leads the way and makes it easier for you to excel and manifest your dreams? Think about who it is that drains your energy and leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes we can’t change who we are around, but we can use those who are motivating and inspiring to bring us back into balance.

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Commitment

by @candesscampbell

“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

As stated in the beginning of this year, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment has been to come closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.

pigpenThe reality is, when you are in relationship, and especially when you create a new intimate relationship, all the unfinished emotional business is right in your face. It reminds me of the “PigPen” character from Charlie Brown, except the dust and dirt is literally right in your face!

 

You have to learn to set boundaries, compromise, be compassionate, communication clearly, understand yours is not the only perspective and the list is nearly endless.

Even more than that, when you are in an intimate relationship, it is necessary to become vulnerable. Of course, it is best to choose a partner who is safe so you can be vulnerable! Most of us have been hurt in the past. Staying in “present time” with your new love is important. It is not helpful to treat your current partner as if she or he is going to behave like the one who cheated on you, could not communicate at all, or had a slight attachment disorder and played “come here, go away!”

So a few things to think about in your relationships.

1. You will tend to be happier if you don’t fall in love with potential. When you are evaluating your choices around relationship, ask yourself if you would be happy with this person long term, even if she or he did not change anything at all. Most likely other people don’t change just because we want them to.

2. Speak up in the beginning of the relationship and let your needs be known. Many people don’t rock the boat for fear the other person will leave or not like them; especially in the beginning excitement of the relationship. Tell your partner who you are, what you want and be real about it. Too often I see people keep quiet and then either become angry when the other person doesn’t know what they want. They expect the one they love to be a mind reader. Then they either blow up on the outside and become angry and argumentative or on the inside and become ill and/or passive aggressive. If they leave when you communicate, they are not a good fit. You deserve to be loved for who you are.

3. Opposites may attract, but in the long run, if you don’t have the same interests, it is difficult to stay connected. If you are single and looking for a relationship: look in the places that you already go.

4. And lastly, when your relationship is with your family – understand neutrality and amusement. When there is conflict, see your family from a neutral place. It is not helpful to try to change them or get them to see things your way. Who has been able to change you and change how you think by telling you over and over. Be amused at how they choose to live their life and focus back on yourself and create happiness in your own life.

Why People Cheat

by @candesscampbell

After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.

India 2010 094

 

Having been a professional counselor and intuitive reader for many years, I have been privy to the inside of many relationships, at least through the eyes of my client.

In any relationship, the foundation to having a positive and healthy experience is having good self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value one puts on themselves, how they feel about themselves and a belief of how others perceive them.  Many years ago I attended the second weekend workshop of the Landmark Forum. This workshop is geared to assist the participants in becoming more positive in their lives by having a “break-through” in awareness. You might say it is a 3-day coaching program. Although, for the most part, the participants were successful and generally happy people, at the end of the day, hundreds of participants got up and shared from an exercise they completed the underlying issue behind their difficulties was they did not believe they were either worthy or deserving.

Although this was a small sample of the population, it is challenging for me not to generalize to most people. Given this premise, it would make sense that people who are in committed relationships cheat in order to have an external validation of themselves; of their worth and their value.

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It would be remiss of me not to also address our human need to love and be loved. As a counselor who has worked with thousands of people, I have to understand one’s ability to express and receive love through the lens of their history, beginning with the birth experience on. Each person is different in their ability and desire for intimacy and need to experience the other person as a source of love.

When I ask others why people cheat some of the the responses are “to boost their self-esteem,” “because they are selfish,” and “because they are not getting certain needs met by their partner.” This issue is clearly not black and white.

When clients come to me for a session, ready to end their marriage or long-term relationship, often I ask them when they first knew this was not working, or not going to work. More often than not, they say, right away, or the first week, sometimes even the first day. One of the main reasons I believe relationships don’t work, is people do not listen to their intuition in the first place. The intensity of the relationship, the pheromones, adrenaline, sexual attraction replaces not only what they think (red flags,) but also their gut feeling, their own intuition.

 couples

Having said that, once committed, Why Do People Cheat?

Aside from low self-esteem, lack of communication is definitely one of the main issues. In the intensity of the initial meeting and connection, everything about the person is great. If not so great, although not true, the belief is where the other is not what you want, they will change. Small disagreements are soon met with make-up sessions of love and passion. The ability to communicate may never be addressed and the he relationship over time may not deepen. Rather than searching for answers (which you can find online, in books and with counselors, ministers and healers) the person reaches for someone who adores them, finds them attractive, or gives them what they want without any need for clear communication.

With the lack of communication also can come control issues. Some of the ways that one control are not allowing their loved one to have the freedom to spend time with their friends, controlling the money, or not allowing their partner to work outside the home. Passive aggressive behavior may take over and one partner will withhold sex, or become withdrawn and depressed. Not all depression is a form of passive aggressiveness, but it can be for some. These control issues can include verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the controlled partner eventually finds solace in the arms of another.

When one looks for validation from others, they may create an intimate relationship outside the for the sole purpose of identity and self-esteem. One may marry because the other person “looks good” and makes them “look good.” This is the concept of the “trophy wife.” Women often marry men who have power or money. This would be a marriage that has the prostitute archetype activated. There is a trade between the partners. In these cases, the agreement of the marriage does not satisfy the need for love or the intense sexuality that they may crave and so they may have a love partner on the side.

This desire for love and sexual satisfaction can also be a reason one will cheat when there is no longer love or affection in the marriage. After years of being together, the couple may grow apart and feel as if they are “married singles.” They long for connection and to feel young and alive and because the marriage seems to be dead, they find a lover or maybe even fall in love with another person. Then they have the decision to stay in the marriage or leave.

When one falls in love or wants to fall in love again, rather than leaving, they may stay married and cheat because of family religious obligations, not wanting to upset the children or other family members, or financial dependency or security. They feel stuck, yet make a decision on values of one sort, and giving up the value of fidelity. Another reason similar to this, is one who cannot stand up for themselves. They keep quiet and live the life they despise. This again can be from low self-esteem and in these cases often become passive aggressive, thus an affair.

In some cases, I have seen where clients have had affairs because they have a spouse who is ill. They stay in the marriage to care for their loved one and may still be very much in love, but they are not able to get emotional needs met. Financial dependency or family expectations may also be involved and rather than being unhappy, they make the decision to fill themselves up with love from another.

One of the most common situations I have seen has been when someone cheats because of revenge. This can be because they were cheated on, or because their partner is just not doing what they want. They justify their behavior because they are not happy and take no responsibility for creating happiness for themselves.

More recently, it has come out into the open that some people who are gay, marry to create a public presence that is acceptable. This has happened in politics and other areas where one would lose a lot to be open about their sexuality. Many people who were gay married and created families before society began to be more open and continued to hide behind the façade and have love lives separate from their marriage.

And finally, and possibly the most common reason people cheat is love addiction. As a counselor, I am most privy to this. Love addiction is a combination of many of these reasons: low self-esteem, need for validation, often alcoholism and/or drug addiction, anger and vengeance and more. Love addiction can be a dangerous cycle of creating relationship, getting hurt, feeling desperate, finding a new lover immediately, and the cycle starts again.

This article has delved into why people cheat. Hopefully, you begin to think outside the box of right and wrong, the black and white perspective and understand that some reasons are clearly destructive, some freeing and healing and in all cases, difficult decisions to make.

 

This article was previously published in Live Encounters magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6969

Listen before it’s Too Late!

by @candesscampbell

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

It is an enlightening view, sitting in my chair in my office as a mental health counselor. I am honored to sit with clients as they share about their lives and their relationships. In this process, I see themes unfold.

 We have ended the year and are into the New Year.  As I look ahead at new beginnings, it reminds me of one of the most common themes. When working with couples, I notice that, for most, by the time they enter my office, it’s too late.

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Too often one of them attempted continually to communicate with the other, without being heard. Sadly, I watch their last attempt to keep the marriage together. The partner, let’s say the man, who has not really heard, but has listened as if she was nagging or on a rampage over something, finally understands. It is too late now for him to realize that what she was saying was important. So important, that the marriage is now over. I see him groveling and trying to make sense of it all. In the safety of another person (me) she says, “I’m sorry, but it is just too late.”

Many of us have ended relationships before the New Year. I remember myself, many years ago, sitting outside Nordstroms, having coffee with my lover on December 29th. I said, “I am sorry, but it’s over.” This was difficult to say and it was painful. I had felt though, that what I said over and over, didn’t matter and I was “pushing the river,” in order to create a change for us. It didn’t work. Once I was honest and ended the relationship; although painful, it was also exhilarating.

When I am with clients and they are suffering over a relationship, I often ask, “when did you first know this was not the right situation for you?” More than I would like to hear, they say, “in the beginning.” If not, they knew years before they decided to make a change.

Whether it be a love relationship, a work relationship or a family situation, “when you begin to lose your voice, your self-esteem, your sense of personal power; it is time to make some kind of a shift.”

Relationships – Word for 2014

by @candesscampbell

In the midst of the holidays which are full of fun, family and chaos; it is a good idea to take some quiet time. I know, it is so busy, there are gifts to buy and family to feed and . . .

The idea of the holiday takes over the Spirit of the holiday. What is the Spirit of the holiday for you? Take some time to determine this for yourself. Give voice to your beliefs, even though you may be the only one who is listening. What is obvious about this time of year is letting go of the old and bringing in the new. So what is it about 2013 you want to let go of? What is it from the first time you opened your eyes and awakened to this world until now that doesn’t support you any longer. What do you want to leave behind?

meditation

If you believe that what you focus upon increases, what is it that you want to focus on this New Year? Taking some quiet time, even 20 minutes to journal or meditate will make a big difference in your life. If you meditate be sure to jot down some thoughts afterward. Your Higher Self or Guides may share with you some important information.

 

Choosing a word a year words best for me. Rather than having a list I don’t complete, I like to focus on something I want to increase or bring sacredness to in order to thrive.  Before 2014 begins, I image the end of 2014 and the changes I would like to see manifest and then begin the year afresh.

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My word for this year is relationships. By the end of 2014 I will have deeper relationships and spend more quality time with those I love. I will understand their needs and how they receive love so that I can be present to them. I will study about relationship and understand commitment, community and connection in a way I have yet to experience.

 

The process of this of course will be to become aware of my resistance, my hesitation, my busy-ness and my fear. I am ready to develop a more conscious relationship with myself and move beyond the blocks.

Join with me in choosing a word for 2014 to bring in the New Year!

Watch for my blogs in the Ultimate Blog Challenge in January! 

Amusement and Neutrality – A true holiday gift!

by @candesscampbell

As much as the holidays are times of gratitude, giving and getting together with our loved ones; I have been a therapist too long not to know, they can also be stressful.

When you are with your family and friends for holiday gatherings, and especially when you are not usually spending this amount of time with them, the rules of behavior change.

I spend a lot of time teaching about setting healthy internal and external boundaries. For instance, having a good internal boundary and not over-disclosing, especially with people you just met, is a good idea. Setting boundaries with those who are inappropriate, mean, rude or hurtful is also important.

In the case of the holidays though, when you are together with a group (even family) that you are not around much, sometimes rather than setting a boundary it may be better to be neutral.

holiday

The reason I say this is the holidays are a time to be harmonious, grateful, share a meal together, and exchange gifts. It is also the time to celebrate in the way that you choose, depending upon your religious and spiritual beliefs.

Setting boundaries are important and come from high self-esteem. Setting boundaries in front of a group though, during a holiday gathering, can make everyone uncomfortable. We have all seen sit-coms where the holiday dinner explodes in chaos and accusations. Even with all the humor, if the television show mirrors your family; it can be awkward for everyone.

Rather than having a witness or an audience to your dilemma with someone, it may be better to communicate with the person in private at another time. So rather than reacting to the one person who “ruins it for everyone,” you may want to try this.

This is a neutrality/amusement practice that I teach in my meditation class called The Center of the Head. The more you practice this now, the easier it is to do when you are in the middle of a situation and need to choose to react or detach.

meditation

Close your eyes and take a big breath from deep in your belly. Bring your attention to the center of your head. This is behind your eyes and up a bit and between your ears. This is your own sacred space. Now open your eyes and notice the difference when you look out from this place. Close your eyes again and bring yourself into the center of your head. From this place, now with your eyes closed and later with them open, when you look out, you can see other people and situations from a place of neutrality. It is like watching a movie.

What others are doing does not have to affect you personally. It is just one scene in the entire film. You can look at what is happening around you with amusement. Think about how it is others are behaving and see the amusement in it all. Say to yourself, “this is an interesting way to do that.” It may not be how you would do it, but you see them with neutrality and amusement.

So, when you are with others around the holidays, when needed, bring yourself into the center of your head. Look out at the people and situations and as you are involved with them, practice being neutral and being amused. You always have this sacred place within yourself and you do not have to be involved with others when they cross your boundaries, or the boundaries of others. If someone brings up an old “story” that may be thrown at you in a prickly way, you can just remain neutral and be amused. You can wonder why it is they continue to stay stuck in the past, and just watch with amusement. You do not have to affect change or correct anyone this holiday season. You can just take time to be loving, gifting and care for yourself by practicing neutrality and amusement. This may be the best gift of the holiday!

Amusement and Neutrality – A true holiday gift! was originally published on Energy Medicine DNA