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Healthy Boundaries for Relationship

by @candesscampbell

With the nights getting cooler many are dreaming of leaves transitioning from bright green to yellow and red. You may find yourself pulling in more and beginning to think of nesting. Much of your contact this fall will be time spent with friends on social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You may also connect with friends on Facetime and Skype. Maybe you use your phone and share with friends while you are walking.

As a therapist, I often hear clients say they saw their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend change their status on Facebook from single to being in relationship with . . . They process the response to this very public demonstration of relationship status.

This leads me to think about boundaries. For many years I have created fairly rigid boundaries around myself. Since I am sensitive, this has helped me manage my energy. Being public as a therapist and psychic invites a lot of people into my space.

Recently, I had a visitation from my former husband, Peter Campbell who passed several years ago. He came to me with a powerful message (which I’ll share in another blog) and this opened up my heart. Now, I find myself crying a lot, which has not happened for many years. I find I welcome this opening, but now have to reassess how to shift my boundaries.

I hope this helps in case you want to reassess your boundaries as well. Do you have rigid, collapsed or healthy boundaries? You may want to print this out and talk about it with a friend.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you checked your boyfriend’s Facebook page to see who he contacts? http://bit.ly/2hGeB1D” quote=”Do you check your lover’s phone or Facebook page to see who they connect with?”]

Boundaries

Are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross others boundaries?

Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away?

Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?

The way you set your boundaries changes over time and also in different situations and dependent upon how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use.

Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Sharing too much personal information too soon.
  • Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
  • Doing anything to avoid conflict.
  • Having a high tolerance for abuse.

Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
  • Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
  • Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
  • Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.

Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
  • Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
  • You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
  • You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you have a karmic relationship? https://energymedicinedna.com/intuitive-readings/” quote=”Do you have karma with your partner? Do you share a past life?”]

Contact Candess for a Psychic Reading!

 

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Generosity

by @candesscampbell

I was talking this Easter morning with a friend who owns an Inn. We had a discussion about generosity. She was doing the laundry for the rooms and shared how upset she was with people who don’t leave a tip for the housekeepers who clean the rooms. I was a little defensive because I am a good tipper but didn’t even think about tipping when I stay in a hotel. She said that people who travel a lot know this. I told her I do travel and I travel internationally, but I didn’t know it. Now that my consciousness is raised, I do know and I will tip those who clean rooms in hotels. She said people can leave a dollar on the pillow and mentioned Dave Ramsey’s Rant on Tipping. Here it is. It is really a teaching about being generous. Beautiful teaching on this Easter morning for my Christian friends and other Light Beings!

Boundaries in Social Media

by @candesscampbell

With fall around the corner and back to school ahead, many people find themselves ending the summer fun and look forward to spending time with friends in new environments. The wild fun of music and water sports gives way to intimate groups in indoor venues and making plans for the holidays.

The natural cycle is to expand in the summer time and pull inward in the fall. You move into solitude in your studies or you join book clubs. You volunteer or get back to the gym. Maybe you redecorate and nest. Later as you move into winter, you will begin to ground your energy, grow your roots and reflect within as you enjoy your friends and family over the holidays.

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In this information age though, social media pushes forward and you continue to stay connected, make friends on new sites, and continue to expand. At one time you had a natural balance of alone time in the fall. You were able to move inward, reflect, journal and deepen. Now, with social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Periscope, Tinder, and others your energy keeps expanding. You become overwhelmed. With new technology, it’s important to learn new ways of setting boundaries for yourSelf.

P1010399As a psychic medium, more often than not, I see clients’ energy as being ungrounded with energy leaks in the third chakra and chaotic energy in the aura. As a therapist, in session, clients share reactions to the posts of others and lose their grounding. They may have seen their girlfriend change their status on Facebook from “in a relationship with” (them) to “single,” or they see photos of their boyfriend with someone else. Too often this whole situation gets played out in public on Facebook or on Twitter.

Clearly in this information age there are new ways of thinking about boundaries. It is easy to mistake your friends (up to 5000 of them on FB) as truly your friends. In your fiery reaction you display your anger and pain publicly and gain support. Then other “friends” show up to criticize you for what you shared. All of this feels normal in the high emotional state that you are in. Sharing that used to happen with your closest friend in private now happens for the world to see.

Later you cool down and this public display of anger and grief turns to shame. It’s important to remember that even though in moments, you can share everything with the world, not everything needs to be shared. Here is some helpful guidelines on setting boundaries.

Collapsed, Rigid and Healthy Boundaries

First ask yourself, are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross the boundaries of others? Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away? Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?

Your boundaries change over time and in different situations. It can depend on how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use that includes social media.

 

Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Sharing too much personal information too soon.
  • Sharing private information on social sites with people you don’t really know.
  • Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
  • Doing anything to avoid conflict.
  • Having a high tolerance for abuse.
  • Sharing too openly after having a drink.

 

Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
  • Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
  • Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
  • Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.
  • Sharing false information so you don’t risk being seen.

 

Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
  • Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
  • You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
  • You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.
  • Sharing in a loving and caring way in social sites without disclosing too much that is either personal or still raw for you.

 

I have journaled for over 30 years using my journal to vent, as well as to connect with the deeper part of myself. It is also a great place to keep write down dreams and to take notes from my favorite books.

My recommendation is that you use your journal to vent before you begin to share with people you don’t know well or on social media. Life is so much easier once you take the “charge” off a situation.

In the next month I will be publishing my new book Live Intuitively: Activate the Wisdom of your Soul. This book will teach you to read yourSelf intuitively and gives you specific writing prompts called “Soul Stems” to activate your own soul wisdom!

 

Having read this blog, share your experience:

  1. What are your rules around sharing with people you just meet, with friends and on social networking sites?
  2. What plans do you have to spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself as you move into fall? How do you deepen your relationships with yourself so you don’t get over-expanded, ungrounded and exhausted?
  3. How have you used journaling to clear your mind or prime yourself for your own writing project?

Collapsed, Rigid or Healthy Boundaries

by @candesscampbell

 

“No” is a complete sentence.”            ― Anne Lamott

Entering into the New Year, we find ourselves playing more, exercising and getting fit, eating better, spending time with old friends, and meeting new friends.  Often though with amazing technology we also connect through our phones and computers, using social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter and dating sites.

In my mental health counseling office, recently a client shared with me she saw her boyfriend change his relationship status on Facebook from single to being in relationship with another woman.  A different client shared she couldn’t create a separate email from her husband because he checked her phone everyday to see who she texted and emailed.

A woman I know met a man on line and fell in love. They talked on the phone and Skyped for months and then he had a crisis and needed some financial support. She sent him money and didn’t hear from him again.

These situations lead me to reflect on the impact technology has on boundaries. It appears there is an intimacy created online that is not grounded in reality. Take this opportunity to assess your own boundaries.

Do you have rigid, collapsed or healthy boundaries?

Are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross others boundaries?

Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away?

Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?

Note that the way you set your boundaries changes over time. You also may behave differently depending on the situation and how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use.

Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Sharing too much personal information too soon.
  • Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
  • Doing anything to avoid conflict.
  • Having a high tolerance for abuse.

Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
  • Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
  • Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
  • Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.

Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
  • Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
  • You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
  • You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.

Check out the detailed Boundary Self-Assessment.

 

Evaluating your Situation!

by @candesscampbell

Into the New Year, most people have taken a look back and reflected on the past year. Some have made resolutions and some just go forward with hope. Rather than making resolutions, I pick one focus for the year, one word to remember and increase in my life.

One year the word was money and I became more responsible in my spending, saving and earnings. That year I increased my income by 25%. I read money books, brought my attention to my habits and envisioned and created abundance.

Last year my focus was on food. I watched “foody” shows on television and regularly added nutritionally healthy foods to my diet. I drank green smoothies and my body glowed from all the enzymes. I increased my awareness on how foods affect my health (and my mood!)

This year my focus is music. I have a Martin 000M and my plan is to learn to play my guitar, listen to a variety of music throughout the year, attend concerts and experience music as a healing force in my life!

Speaking of a healing force in my life. I just published my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.   

The first chapter focuses on Evaluating Your Situation.  Whether it is emotional or physical pain, there is always an emotional component. I find that when people tend to focus on the past, they suffer from depression and when they focus on the future, it creates anxiety. On my website candesscampbell.com under Books and Self-Healing Tools you will find self-screening tests. One is for depression and the other for anxiety.  If you find that you struggle with either of these, getting professional help is important.

Sometimes you live your life day to day without much self-awareness. It is helpful to look at whether or not you are getting your needs met. William Glasser, MD, a psychiatrist wrote a book called Choice Theory. In the book he talked about people having Four Basic Needs. The needs he lists are for 1) Love & Belonging, 2) Power and Worth, 3) Freedom and 4) Fun. These are beyond your need for survival.

Think about your life and what the main need is in your life.  In your journal, write down your main need. Then write down friends and family you spend most of your time with. List some activities you engage in on a regular basis. Are you getting your needs met with these friends, family members and your activities?

For example I list as one of my loved ones, my Cairn Terrior/mix Domingo. The needs I get met by Domingo are Love and Belonging and Fun.  When I image an oval shape and think about how full I am from my relationship with Domingo, I see the oval being maybe a third full. This means I need more people and activities to get my Love and Belonging and Fun needs met.

When I first did this exercise I listed out my friends. A few of the friends I spent most of my time with did not meet my needs at all. I found one friend met most of my needs. I realized I leaned too much on one friend and needed to create more relationships in my life where I felt more alive, full, and got my needs met. I also realized I needed to let some friends go. With self-awareness, I saw how drained I became after spending time with some friends.

Try this yourself. You may be amazed at how simple changes in your life can shift your emotional for physical pain!

Also, in evaluating your situation, it is important to look at the interrelatedness between your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You can find a Total Behavior Map here to help you.  http://candesscampbell.com/books/self-help-tools/70-2) On this map you can write out in the center what need you want to get met. Write down a situation that has been difficult for you regarding this need. List what you were doing, thinking and feeling. Then write again as if you were thinking something different. If you were thinking ___________, then what would you be doing or feeling?

You are an integrated being of Mind, Body and Spirit. You will notice that when you change your thinking about a situation, your feeling changes as well. You may choose to do something different and immediately your thinking changes and your feeling changes.  The key here is you have 100 % control over your doing, 90 % control over your thinking and only 10 % control over your feeling. When you do or think something different – you feel better!

An example is Sarah was waiting for a phone call from Taylor to go out to dinner. (love and belonging and fun) Taylor didn’t call and Sarah thought, “I was stood up.” She started feeling angry and lost energy. Sarah began making up stories in her mind of what happened and worked herself into a frenzy.

An hour later Taylor called and said she was so sorry. She explained that she had witnessed an accident on the freeway and was pulled in by the police to share what she had seen. Taylor said she was so shaken, she didn’t even think about the dinner plans until she calmed down and realized she was hungry. She asked Sarah if she could come over, she needed a friend.

Sarah began to understand (thinking) and she empathized (feeling) with Taylor’s experience. She began cooking (doing) something to share with Taylor and prepared for her friend to arrive.

Can you see how the feelings followed the doing and thinking in this situation? You can write out some situations in your past, some times when you were really upset. Then write out what you could have done or thought differently, identifying how you would feel different.

Use your journal for this exercise and soon you’ll find you can do it quickly in your mind.  So much of the emotional pain (which is under the physical pain) is manufactured in your mind. Now, you have a tool to change this!

Another tool is journaling. One situation I share in my book is for several days I found myself having a lot of pain in my shoulders. I left my office and sat down to rest and the pain was extremely disturbing. After about four days of this, I picked up my journal and began writing, “This pain in my shoulders. . .” and continued journaling for 20 minutes. What came up in my writing was a situation with one of my daughters. Once I wrote it out, the pain released immediately and was totally gone. This is a true testimony to how we carry pain in our bodies connected to our emotions!

There is so much more you can find in the book that will help you evaluate where you are and begin to move into self-healing. In February I’ll focus on Finding Your Passion!

12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – UK

http://www.amazon.co.uk/12-Weeks-Self-Healing-Transforming-Medicine/dp/0615693822/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – US

http://www.amazon.com/12-Weeks-Self-Healing-Transforming-Medicine/dp/0615693822/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355705809&sr=8-1&keywords=candess+campbell

 

The Five Love Languages

by @candesscampbell

With Valentine’s Day ahead there is a lot of energy around passion, love, hearts and connection. This is a great day to honor the ones we love with a giftand you may honor yourself with a gift as well!

This is also a great time to make a deeper connection with those we love by understanding how to “be” with our loved ones, on this special day and everyday!

Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages teaches us to understand what makes us feel loved and what makes our loved ones feel loved. The five languages are 1) Words of Affirmation 2) Quality Time 3) Gifts 4) Acts of Service and 5) Physical Touch.

Have you ever had a friend who continually is asking for validation? A current or past love who is always touching you as you walk by, rubbing your shoulders, cuddling when you watch a movie? Someone who shops and is buying themselves gifts all the time? These may be clues to their love language.

If your mother’s love language is Quality Time, getting her a gift certificate for massage would not excite her the way taking her to an off-Broadway play would.

If you have a friend whose love language is Acts of Service, making her a book of coupons for services such as babysitting or yard work may be more important to her than getting her a new scarf.

If your loved one’s first love language is Physical Touch, you may want to plan a quiet evening alone and give each other foot rubs with a sensual essential oil.

You can take an online test at http://fivelovelanguages.com/ to find out your own love language. Let your family and friends know what your love language is and in doing this you may be able to explore theirs as well.

You may find you score high on a few love languages. Let your loved ones know your language and what it would look like for them to behave in this love language.  My highest score is Acts of Service, although Quality Time and Physical Touch are close behind.  When I think of this I remember a past boyfriend who built a fence around my yard and how loved I felt.

More recently, friends wrote reviews for my upcoming book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine and it was the greatest expression of love they could have given me.

Enjoy exploring your Love Language with a friend this month of February!