India

Prayer and Meditation

August 30, 2017 by @candesscampbell

In my office, when counseling and offering psychic readings and healing to my clients, I find that many are responding to the political climate of the time and experience a low grade fear, underneath what else is happening. You can feel the fear it in the air. It reminds me of when I was in Japan a couple months after the Tsunami in 2011. What I was reading in the United States newspapers was not what the Japanese were reading and I could feel the fear, even though I could not speak the language.

Today I am republishing my article originally published in Live Encounters Magazine.

I hope you find comfort.

Prayer and Meditation by Dr Candess M Campbell, #1 Best-selling Author, Intuitive Mentor, Speaker, International Psychic Medium Healer.

In this series on self-healing and transformation, prayer and meditation play an important part. Given these writings are from the book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine, this Live Encounters article will not be a overview of world wide prayer and meditation practices, but rather some of my own experiences and some tools for developing a practice.

When you have experienced pain or illness for a long period, I would imagine you turned to prayer. In exploring how important prayer is, let’s examine and revisit the way in which you pray.

Prayer

A verse in the Christian New Testament Bible assures that, “You will receive all that you pray for, provided you have faith” (Matthew 21:22). The way your parents and grandparents prayed may be different from how you pray today. Dr. Larry Dossey writes extensively about the power of prayer and healing in his 1993 book, Healing Words. In it, he cites a study by Herbert Benson of Harvard University Medical School.

Working with his fellow researcher and physiologist, Robert Keith Wallace, Benson showed that when subjects meditated with a mantra that consisted of an Asian word containing no meaning for the meditator, with use it became charged with ritualistic value, and healthful body changes occurred. These included lower blood pressure, slower heart rate, and lower metabolic rates. Benson believed there was no magic in the mantra.

To test this suspicion, he taught people to meditate using the word one or any other phrase they found comfortable. He then studied Christians and Jews who prayed regularly. He asked Catholics to use mantra phrases such as “Hail Mary, full of grace,” or “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me.” Jews mainly used either the peace greeting of shalom or echad, which means “one.” Protestants frequently chose the first line of the Lord’s Prayer, “Our Father who art in heaven,” or “The Lord is my shepherd,” which is the opening of the Twenty-third Psalm. All of the mantras worked, and all were equally effective in stimulating the healthful physiological changes in the body that Benson called the “relaxation response.” But Benson also found that those who used the word one, or similar simple phrases, didn’t stick with the program. Conversely, those who used prayers rather than meaningless phrases continued.

One way to pray is to be repetitive and this study shows using a word or words that are meaningful to you, affect your consistency. If you have ever used prayer beads or the rosary, you know this. Recital is another form of prayer. Many people use scripture from their religion as prayer. They may do this repetitively, or they may read scripture and then reflect on what it means. Others talk to God, Buddha, Allah, or their Higher Power as they would to a friend. I have often heard it said that prayer is talking to God, and meditation is listening.

Journaling is another way to connect with the Divine. “Dear God” letters are often effective in clarifying where you have become stuck. Having a heart full of gratitude is another way of praying. When you expand your view of prayer this way, you may find that you pray often through the day. I am a believer in the notion that whatever we focus on becomes greater and grander in our lives, so take some time to focus on gratitude and love. See how this affects your pain.

Meditation

Before I share with you about meditation, I want to acknowledge that you may experience resistance to meditation at first. You may be fearful to sit and really experience what you are thinking or feeling, or you may not want to become aware of the sensations in your body. Even this morning as I awoke, I quickly shifted my thoughts from meditation to something else. Why did I do that? Why was I so afraid to listen to what my mind was saying? Usually I awake with new ideas and plans and creative ventures. This morning I didn’t want to hear what I was thinking. I went back to catch the thought, and it was gone. When I sat up to read on my Kindle, I felt good. I looked at the calendar in my iPhone, and my day was set to write. It was a good day. What was I afraid to think about? I am sure it will surface in my meditation.

You may have this same experience. You may think there is just too much information in your mind, and you would never be able to quiet yourself, but it’s really not so difficult. Take a moment and just sit with your eyes open. Look at what is in front of you. Look at whatever you see and focus on the detail. Experience your senses. Feel the chair under you. Notice how your breath changes. You are becoming more aware, more awake, more alive, and you are beginning to come to a meditative state. Another way to do this is to close your eyes and listen. Listen to the sounds that are far away. Now listen to the sounds that are close by. Allow yourself to become more aware and more meditative!

Here are a few choices to begin a meditation practice.

Concentration Meditation

When practicing concentration meditation, you focus your attention on your breath, an image, or a sound (mantra) in order to still your mind and allow a greater awareness and clarity to emerge. This is similar to zooming in and narrowing the focus to a particular object or field.

Breathing Meditation

The most common meditation practice is focusing on your breath. Through this continued focus, the “mind clutter” begins to quiet, and you gain a sense of calmness and relaxation. Over time and with practice, the thoughts that were once racing or popping into your mind calm down, and a sense of peace takes over. As you focus on the breath, the rhythmic inhalation and exhalation deepens the breathing, and your mind and body become tranquil.

A more intense practice of focusing on the breath is pranayama breathing, which is a yogic practice. According to Swami Sivananda Rhada, this is a process of breath control. She says the purpose of this type of meditation is to connect with the cosmos and gain control over your central nervous system and mind. It is best practiced with character building and to learn to manage the lower physical self. This is a practice of alternate nostril breathing. “Character building” and “managing your lower physical self” means taking control over your thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve you, while creating new, positive, healthy thoughts and behaviors.

I first became aware of pranayama breathing when I traveled to India with a friend of mine who has a home in India but currently lives in the United States. He said that his uncle taught him this practice. When we were at his home in Kolkata (formerly Calcutta), he sat cross-legged on the floor every morning and practiced this breathing for twenty to thirty minutes. This practice increases the alpha waves, and the benefits if executed correctly are to calm the mind, gain control over the emotions, refine the senses, and remove all selfish desires while gaining a sense of peace and harmony. It has also been said to balance the right and left brain.

Various teachers may instruct you to do this differently, but a simple method follows:

Close the right nostril with your right thumb, and inhale through the left nostril to the count of four seconds.
Then close the left nostril with your right ring finger and little finger. At the same time, remove your thumb from the right nostril. Exhale through this nostril to the count of eight seconds.
Next, inhale through the right nostril to the count of four seconds. Close your right nostril with your right thumb, and exhale through the left nostril to the count of eight seconds.
This is one round. It is recommended to start slowly with a few rounds and build up.

Focusing on an Object

Focusing on an object is another choice for concentration meditation. There are several objects you can use, but I suggest you find one that is pleasing to you. You could focus on an external object such as a candle flame, a bowl, a flower, or a photo of someone you love. You could also choose a photo of Jesus, Buddha, or an angel. Another method is to focus in the center of your head—the space above and behind your eyes, in the middle of your head. This is a place of neutrality. You may instead choose to focus either between your eyes or in the center of your heart. Another commonplace to practice focus is in your belly, three fingers below your belly button and inside a few inches. The conscious focus in the above examples is on the candle, photo, or particular body part. However, in focusing on those literal objects, you become aware of the breathing as well, and you experience a calm, relaxed, tranquil state of being.

Using a Mantra

A third concentration meditation involves using a mantra. A mantra is a short phrase with an easy rhythm used to increase results. A mantra is used to suggest a favorable state of being. My favorite walking mantra is, “I am strong, healthy, and fit.” Mantras originated in the Vedic tradition of enlightenment in India and have since been incorporated by many traditions.

According to “The Power of Mantra Chanting,” an article by Gyan Rajhans, “The sacred utterances or chanting of Sanskrit Mantras provide us with the power to attain our goals and lift ourselves from the ordinary to the higher level of consciousness.” This is believed to be so because “different sounds have different effects on the human psyche.” Repeating a mantra is a spiritual technique that calms the mind and makes one more attuned to Spirit.

Mindfulness Meditation

The practice of mindfulness meditation comes from Buddhism and has been also been taught by many in the West. In mindfulness meditation, you focus on the present moment and not the past or the future. While you notice your thoughts, you realize that they are just thoughts and let them go by. This is done with awareness that that your thoughts are simply your thoughts, and that you are not your thoughts. This meditation can be done at any time. It is a daily practice of awareness in the present moment.

There are many ways to practice mindfulness meditation. One that I particularly enjoy is to focus on the sounds close by and then the sounds that are far away. This takes me into a state of meditation that I enjoy, which is just being present.

Guided Meditation

Guided meditation is similar to hypnotherapy. In guided meditation, a person or a recorded script guides you into a meditative state. You can also take yourself through guided imagery with a script or with awareness of the images you would like to create.

As with hypnotherapy, guided imagery uses all of your senses, yet guided imagery is different in that it focuses and directs your imagination. When your mind is imagining, your body responds as if what it sees is true. An example of this might include imagining a vacation. Let’s pick a beach resort. As you are sitting at your desk at work, you find yourself drifting to the beach, feeling the sun on your face, smelling the sea, and imaging the taste of a fresh, cold lemonade next to you. Your body may relax as your breathing slows down and time speeds up. This is an example of going into trance and experiencing whatever you imagine.

Guided imagery is used for many purposes, and the imagery selected will depend on your goal. For instance, if you want to manage your pain, the imagery may be full of metaphors that help you to connect with your subconscious mind. For example, when I awake in the morning with pain in my neck from sleeping, during meditation I image a blue light coming down from the top of my head into the painful areas of my neck and shoulders. As I do this, I see the blue light cooling off the inflammation in my neck and shoulders. Within a minute or so, the pain is gone. (Remember that I have been practicing for quite some time, and this technique is a result of the practice. Do not be discouraged if you try this and it does not work for you immediately. Keep practicing!)

If you are interested in learning a guided meditation that teaches you self-healing tools and takes you through a process of clearing your chakras, you can use my CD, Chakra Clearing.

Make no mistake, whether prayer or meditation, the process stills the chatter and voices within so you can hear your own inner guidance—the voice of the Divine, God, the Goddess or your Guides. Prayer and meditation allow you to open yourself to wisdom and healing beyond what your Ego dictates or allows. No matter what you call it, when you achieve inner peace, you affect the world around you by increasing the peace of others.

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Live Intuitively: Journal the Wisdom of your Soul!

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the author of the #1 Best-selling book on Amazon, 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine and Live Intuitively: Journal the Wisdom of your Soul. She is an internationally known Author, Speaker, Intuitive Coach and Mentor and Psychic Medium. She specializes in assisting others to regain their own personal power, develop their intuition and live a life of abundance, happiness, and joy.

She specializes in DNA Activation and Karmic Clearing with a group of Ascended Masters called The Lords of Karma who include the Great Divine Director, El Morya, St. Germain, Maitreya, Kuthumi, Athena, Kwan-Yin, Clyclopea, Mary, Sananda and Lady Portia. Candess has been guided by this group of Masters since she was young.

At the core of her business, Vesta Enterprises, Inc., is the belief that all healing is self-healing and that becoming conscious and making positive changes increases one’s personal power and enjoyment of life. Firmly maintaining that people grow and benefit from feeling safe and receiving, her life’s work is in bridging spirituality and mainstream beliefs to promote and foster healing at all levels. https://energymedicinedna.com

www.amazon.com/candessmcampbellphd

© Dr Candess M Campbell

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An Unexpected Delight in Mumbai

December 9, 2016 by @candesscampbell

A sickly body does not indicate that a guru is not in touch with divine powers,

any more than lifelong health necessarily indicates an inner illumination.

– Paramhansa Yogananda – Autobiography of a Yogi

This holiday season I want to share a story from one of my trips to India that was enlightening and opened my heart.

The first few days of my trip to India were about teaching me to listen to my intuition. One of the experiences where I didn’t listen to this gentle inner voice was at the train station in Mumbai. On the platform a young crippled man came up to me. He was scooting himself with his hands across the dirty cement of the station. His feet were twisted and as he sat his legs curled up toward his chin. I reached into my purse and gave him some coins. My intuition said to give him 500 rupees, but I was aware my travel mates would say no and so I didn’t. When I gave him the rupees, his eyes and mine met and there was an incredible Light in his eyes. I felt like I had touched a power source and electricity ran through me. A few minutes later he crossed my path again and our eyes met, we smiled, connected and waved.

[clickToTweet tweet=”What you see is a reflection of your inner being!” quote=”What you see is a reflection of your inner being!”]

As I write this, days later, my eyes are tearing. When I went to our train compartment I shared my experience with my Indian friend. He said “this is the first of many you will meet. That is why you were so touched.” I explained to him that I agreed I would meet many, but that this one is different. My intuitive self knew he was an Enlightened Being. My friend asked then why would this man have that kind of body?

I entered trance and began to share the information I received. I understood we are not our body. This physically crippled man has transcended his body. The reason he took on this body is that he came to the earth, this incarnation to be a Light and to mirror to others. Everyone who looks at him will see him differently. I saw an Enlightened Being. Another person may experience anger, sadness, judgment or joy. He mirrored to us what we needed to see in ourselves at that time. I needed to see an Enlightened Being in a form that I did not expect. Another time I may experience him differently.

If this experience was all that happened to me spiritually on this trip to India, it would have been enough. This incredible Being gave me a healing I will remember forever.

As the trip continued I realized an important theme of this trip is we are all connected and we gift each other. In this case, I gave him rupees and I saw who he was. He gave me some kind of spiritual activation and awareness of myself, an understanding of what my life is about at this moment.

I hope that we can look at others in our lives and experience the healing of being mirrored by others during this sacred season.

Blessings to you and your families during this Sacred Season!

In the Mirror of Others!

June 26, 2016 by @candesscampbell

I was having a discussion with a friend tonight about my beliefs and Christianity. It was great to share with each other about how she experiences Jesus and my relationship with Jesus. She was curious about my beliefs and I asked if she had read my blog about my trip to India and she hadn’t. I didn’t realize I had first published it in 2011, so I am re-posting to share with her and you!

I realized that the first few days of my trip to India were to be about learning to listen to my intuition. One of the experiences where I didn’t listen to this gentle inner voice was at the train station in Mumbai.

On the platform a young crippled man came up to me. He was scooting himself across the dirty cement of the station with his hands. His feet were twisted, and he appeared to be sitting with his legs curled up to his body. I reached into my purse to give him some coins. My intuition said to give him 500 rupees, but I thought my travel mates would say no so I didn’t. When I gave him a few rupees from my purse, his eyes and mine met, and there was an incredible light in his eyes. I felt like I had touched a power source with jolts of electricity running through me. A few minutes later he crossed my path again, and when our eyes met, we smiled, connected and waved. The feeling was so intense, that even days later, as I write this, my eyes are tearing. When I went to our train compartment I shared my experience with my Indian friend. He said, “This is the first of many you will meet. That is why you were so touched.” I explained to him that I agreed I would meet many, but that this one was different. My intuitive self knew he was an enlightened being. My friend asked, “Then why would this man have that kind of body?”

I entered trance and began to share the information I received. I understood that we are not our body. This physically crippled man had transcended his body. The reason he took on this body is that he came to the earth this incarnation to be a Light and to mirror to others. Everyone who looks at him will see him differently. Some may experience anger, sadness, judgment or joy. What I saw was an enlightened being! He was mirroring to us what we needed to see in ourselves at that time. I needed to see an enlightened being in a form that I did not expect. Another time I may experience him differently.

If this experience was all that happened to me spiritually on this trip to India, it would have been enough. This incredible being gave me a healing I will remember forever.

As the trip continued, I realized an important recurring theme was: We are all connected, and we gift each other. In this case, I gave him rupees, and I saw who he actually was. He gave me an incredible spiritual activation and awareness of myself, an understanding of what my life is about at this moment.

We can look at others in our lives and experience the healing of being mirrored by them. This is the sacredness of relationship. Whatever it is you are seeing in your life, take time to see it symbolically.

Recently, I was sitting on my patio reading a novel. Suddenly, I saw a spider on my knee, right there as if it was looking at me. I am not extremely frightened of spiders, but I jumped up: “Aahhh!!!” and knocked it off my leg. Then I asked myself, “What message did this little creature have for me?” In answer, I quickly saw a spider web holding all the projects I have in play right now. I saw myself spinning my own web. Then I saw the spider in the corner of the web resting. I realized I need to sit in the corner of my web at times and rest. Later, when I was sharing this story with a friend of mine who teaches dream interpretation and who I knew would understand the symbolism, I also realized my reaction to all my projects, was: “Aahhh!!!” I laughed at myself. I loved the mirroring gift from this spider.

Whether you are traveling the trains in India, sitting on your patio in your back yard or sharing with a friend, the gift of seeing yourself in the mirror of others is available to you daily. What a gift to expand the awareness of the magnificent being that you are! What a gift to shine your light as you remove the veils and stand in your Light!

Since I wrote this, I read the book The Yoga of Max’s Discontent by Karan Bajaj. If you enjoyed this story and have not read his book, I highly recommend it. His teaching about yogis transcended anything I understood before and expanded my mind and I will be forever grateful.

“A sickly body does not indicate that a guru is not in touch with divine powers, any more than lifelong health necessarily indicates an inner illumination.”

Autobiography of a Yogi – Paramhansa Yogananda

Listening to yourSelf!

October 1, 2015 by @candesscampbell

It is great when you begin to understand you have a system within that alerts you and guides you in decision making. It is called your intuition. There are four ways to develop your clairvoyance.

Clairaudience (clear hearing)
Claircognizance (clear knowing)
Clairsentience (clear sensing)
Clairvoyance (clear seeing)

A while back my friend and previous assistant Marc was in town. He had moved to New Delhi and created his own business Prospus and contacted me when he was here to visit family. We planned to meet at Starbucks near the Northtown Mall. As I started driving through downtown Spokane to meet him, I had a sense in my gut (Clairsentience) and decided to pull over and check my phone. There was a message from Marc telling me he would rather meet me at Starbucks downtown. Well, I was 2 minutes from there and so happy that my intuition guided me to check my message. This saved me 40 minutes of driving time!

Marc Ragsdale with Domingo

You too call learn to develop your intuition. On my website you can find 4 Ways to Develop your Clairvoyance. I will be blogging about this all month, so download the free PDF and join me and develop your intuition!

My trip to India in 2014!

Sexual Compromise

July 4, 2014 by @candesscampbell

Communication between couples has evolved over the last decade. Often they actually negotiate their sexual desires with each other. Whether or not they come to a mutual conclusion is another story. Even television commercials poke fun at the difference in men and women’s libido and their desire for sex. Of course this is a general perspective and definitely there are women who are poking at their men too.

The scope of this article relates to committed relationships. Casual sexual relationships have a whole different dynamic that won’t be explored here. So let’s take an example.

It was an incredible night. Brandon and Emma celebrated their seven-year anniversary at Alinea, a modern Chicago restaurant with excellent reviews. Having had a busy week, they planned a quite evening together. As a law professor at Loyola, Emma worked long hours and at varied times during the week. Brandon traveled as an international broker and this left them juggling for relaxed time together.

After a delicious meal of king crab and scallops, with fine white wine, they walked along the lakefront in Lincoln Park, reflecting back on when they met. The first time in many years, they reminisced about their combined dreams. The night was perfect. The streets were unusually quiet as they visited a couple galleries and enjoyed the city lights.

In the cab ride home they sat quietly enjoying the smell and the warmth of each other’s bodies. Emma felt content as she noticed they were breathing together as one. Once home, already having had a couple drinks, they moved directly into the bedroom. Intimacy had given way to work for the last few months, and they were finally at ease. They crawled into bed and she looked at him adoringly as she kissed him. She thanked him profusely for the wonderful evening. He began to kiss her passionately and his hands began to explore her curves. His expectation and hers collided.

She – had a wonderful night, hadn’t been intimate with him for a long time, has been stressed and busy at work, wants to close her eyes and experience the sensations of being in love and cuddle.

He – finally had time with his wife. Has not had sex with her for weeks. Planned this evening so they could finally be sexual again. Did all the right moves as far as planning goes and is ready to “finish the deal.”

Sound familiar? We could change the names, city, careers, circumstances just like a fill in the blanks puzzle, but overall, internationally, the results are the same.

So, who compromises in the sexual arena and at what cost? Her need and desire is for closeness, commitment, security and love. He desire is for a woman, Emma, who will be there for him, being sexual when he wants her to be, to share activities and the convenience of love.

She responds to romance and sexuality when there is ambiance, connection, closeness and communication. Brandon focuses on his virility and what I refer to as his “puffing peacock” stance. History between Brandon and Emma around negotiating intercourse has shown him this is a precarious time, so he is aware of not triggering any reactions from her.

Nevertheless, whether or not the evening ends with the couple joyfully entangled or not – who’s to know? Maybe you can relate.

Who is responsible for ones sexual expression, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure? This case was not so extreme, but what would you do if you were in a committed relationship or marriage and your partner/spouse continually said no? Is it your moral and religious obligation to stay; to stay faithful and live the rest of your life without being sexual with your wife or husband?

If you are a woman who is sexually unresponsive or non-orgasmic, either due to lack of physical desire (possibly hormonal,) illness, or having a husband who goes straight to the sexual act with no ability or understanding how to engage you and fire your desire; what do you do?

At what point do women add having sex to their list along with doing the laundry, picking up groceries and attending their daughter’s dance recital? When I was in India recently, I sat at the breakfast table before my friend completed his yogic breathing. I had tea and checked my email. Every morning I heard what sounded like a woman having an orgasm. I was with my friend’s family and I didn’t speak Bengali and they didn’t speak English. They didn’t seem to notice, but, nevertheless, I felt embarrassed. I shared this with my friend when he joined me and he said, oh, no, Indian women don’t make noise. Really I asked. He assured me this was true and said she must be praying.

Well, I didn’t buy it! Later we continued our conversation, which lead to American woman being passionate and vocally expressive. I explained this was also a validation to their lover. This discussion of course was destined to end up talking about “faking it.” He had not even conceived of any such behavior by women and ultimately in my need to be right, I searched youtube on my Mac Air and found the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. (link here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hY7_CNuEQY

My friend was astonished and definitely humored by this funny scene. Then, the sound I had been hearing every morning began and I begged, “listen, listen there it is.” He looked at me with surprise and said, “she is praying.” Okay, he was right.

Right or wrong, I believe every sexual relationship has compromise. The hope would be that each person takes his or her share of compromise, but more often it is one person who gives in. What is the cost? Resentment, lack of true intimacy, aggression, depression, marital prostitution; I could go on. Most likely the couples separate at least emotionally, if not physically. Whether an affair ensues or not, there is an unspoken agreement, and they live as roommates, or what I call, married singles.

Delving so deeply into this topic, I yearn for a solution; so here it is. To men I ask that you understand that foreplay is not rubbing up against a woman, telling her about how great you are, or beginning to kiss and fondle her with the expectation of sex. If you don’t have a satisfying pattern of sexuality, or if your intimacy is routine and stagnant, please understand. For most women, foreplay begins at least anywhere from 12 – 72 hours prior to intercourse. Women are sensual and emotional beings. Engage their senses. Get to know your woman. Does she like her back rubbed with scented oil, to have you whisper in her ear or kiss the back of her neck? Is she responsive to the vibe of a candle or burning fire, to jewelry or flowers? Does she become stimulated by a romantic and succulent meal or a night on the town? These behaviors begin long before the sexual encounter.

To women who love men whose sexual desire overrides yours, please speak up. Men in general are not nearly as complicated as you might think. Communication is absolute, and generally women must take the lead in this area. Communicate, even when it is difficult and you keep hitting roadblocks. When you are together and sexuality is not the immediate issue, take some time to share what you like. Share whether it is better for you when you advance toward him with intimacy, or when he moves toward you with desire. Let him know what is stimulating for you and what sets the mood. Men in general love to please women! Give him the roadmap so both of you can enjoy the journey.

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine where Candess is a monthly contributor.

Why People Cheat

April 16, 2014 by @candesscampbell

After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.

Having been a professional counselor and intuitive reader for many years, I have been privy to the inside of many relationships, at least through the eyes of my client.

In any relationship, the foundation to having a positive and healthy experience is having good self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value one puts on themselves, how they feel about themselves and a belief of how others perceive them. Many years ago I attended the second weekend workshop of the Landmark Forum. This workshop is geared to assist the participants in becoming more positive in their lives by having a “break-through” in awareness. You might say it is a 3-day coaching program. Although, for the most part, the participants were successful and generally happy people, at the end of the day, hundreds of participants got up and shared from an exercise they completed the underlying issue behind their difficulties was they did not believe they were either worthy or deserving.

Although this was a small sample of the population, it is challenging for me not to generalize to most people. Given this premise, it would make sense that people who are in committed relationships cheat in order to have an external validation of themselves; of their worth and their value.

It would be remiss of me not to also address our human need to love and be loved. As a counselor who has worked with thousands of people, I have to understand one’s ability to express and receive love through the lens of their history, beginning with the birth experience on. Each person is different in their ability and desire for intimacy and need to experience the other person as a source of love.

When I ask others why people cheat some of the the responses are “to boost their self-esteem,” “because they are selfish,” and “because they are not getting certain needs met by their partner.” This issue is clearly not black and white.

When clients come to me for a session, ready to end their marriage or long-term relationship, often I ask them when they first knew this was not working, or not going to work. More often than not, they say, right away, or the first week, sometimes even the first day. One of the main reasons I believe relationships don’t work, is people do not listen to their intuition in the first place. The intensity of the relationship, the pheromones, adrenaline, sexual attraction replaces not only what they think (red flags,) but also their gut feeling, their own intuition.

Having said that, once committed, Why Do People Cheat?

Aside from low self-esteem, lack of communication is definitely one of the main issues. In the intensity of the initial meeting and connection, everything about the person is great. If not so great, although not true, the belief is where the other is not what you want, they will change. Small disagreements are soon met with make-up sessions of love and passion. The ability to communicate may never be addressed and the he relationship over time may not deepen. Rather than searching for answers (which you can find online, in books and with counselors, ministers and healers) the person reaches for someone who adores them, finds them attractive, or gives them what they want without any need for clear communication.

With the lack of communication also can come control issues. Some of the ways that one control are not allowing their loved one to have the freedom to spend time with their friends, controlling the money, or not allowing their partner to work outside the home. Passive aggressive behavior may take over and one partner will withhold sex, or become withdrawn and depressed. Not all depression is a form of passive aggressiveness, but it can be for some. These control issues can include verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the controlled partner eventually finds solace in the arms of another.

When one looks for validation from others, they may create an intimate relationship outside the for the sole purpose of identity and self-esteem. One may marry because the other person “looks good” and makes them “look good.” This is the concept of the “trophy wife.” Women often marry men who have power or money. This would be a marriage that has the prostitute archetype activated. There is a trade between the partners. In these cases, the agreement of the marriage does not satisfy the need for love or the intense sexuality that they may crave and so they may have a love partner on the side.

This desire for love and sexual satisfaction can also be a reason one will cheat when there is no longer love or affection in the marriage. After years of being together, the couple may grow apart and feel as if they are “married singles.” They long for connection and to feel young and alive and because the marriage seems to be dead, they find a lover or maybe even fall in love with another person. Then they have the decision to stay in the marriage or leave.

When one falls in love or wants to fall in love again, rather than leaving, they may stay married and cheat because of family religious obligations, not wanting to upset the children or other family members, or financial dependency or security. They feel stuck, yet make a decision on values of one sort, and giving up the value of fidelity. Another reason similar to this, is one who cannot stand up for themselves. They keep quiet and live the life they despise. This again can be from low self-esteem and in these cases often become passive aggressive, thus an affair.

In some cases, I have seen where clients have had affairs because they have a spouse who is ill. They stay in the marriage to care for their loved one and may still be very much in love, but they are not able to get emotional needs met. Financial dependency or family expectations may also be involved and rather than being unhappy, they make the decision to fill themselves up with love from another.

One of the most common situations I have seen has been when someone cheats because of revenge. This can be because they were cheated on, or because their partner is just not doing what they want. They justify their behavior because they are not happy and take no responsibility for creating happiness for themselves.

More recently, it has come out into the open that some people who are gay, marry to create a public presence that is acceptable. This has happened in politics and other areas where one would lose a lot to be open about their sexuality. Many people who were gay married and created families before society began to be more open and continued to hide behind the façade and have love lives separate from their marriage.

And finally, and possibly the most common reason people cheat is love addiction. As a counselor, I am most privy to this. Love addiction is a combination of many of these reasons: low self-esteem, need for validation, often alcoholism and/or drug addiction, anger and vengeance and more. Love addiction can be a dangerous cycle of creating relationship, getting hurt, feeling desperate, finding a new lover immediately, and the cycle starts again.

This article has delved into why people cheat. Hopefully, you begin to think outside the box of right and wrong, the black and white perspective and understand that some reasons are clearly destructive, some freeing and healing and in all cases, difficult decisions to make.