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Healthy Boundaries for Relationship

by @candesscampbell

With the nights getting cooler many are dreaming of leaves transitioning from bright green to yellow and red. You may find yourself pulling in more and beginning to think of nesting. Much of your contact this fall will be time spent with friends on social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You may also connect with friends on Facetime and Skype. Maybe you use your phone and share with friends while you are walking.

As a therapist, I often hear clients say they saw their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend change their status on Facebook from single to being in relationship with . . . They process the response to this very public demonstration of relationship status.

This leads me to think about boundaries. For many years I have created fairly rigid boundaries around myself. Since I am sensitive, this has helped me manage my energy. Being public as a therapist and psychic invites a lot of people into my space.

Recently, I had a visitation from my former husband, Peter Campbell who passed several years ago. He came to me with a powerful message (which I’ll share in another blog) and this opened up my heart. Now, I find myself crying a lot, which has not happened for many years. I find I welcome this opening, but now have to reassess how to shift my boundaries.

I hope this helps in case you want to reassess your boundaries as well. Do you have rigid, collapsed or healthy boundaries? You may want to print this out and talk about it with a friend.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you checked your boyfriend’s Facebook page to see who he contacts? http://bit.ly/2hGeB1D” quote=”Do you check your lover’s phone or Facebook page to see who they connect with?”]

Boundaries

Are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross others boundaries?

Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away?

Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?

The way you set your boundaries changes over time and also in different situations and dependent upon how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use.

Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Sharing too much personal information too soon.
  • Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
  • Doing anything to avoid conflict.
  • Having a high tolerance for abuse.

Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
  • Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
  • Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
  • Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.

Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
  • Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
  • You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
  • You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you have a karmic relationship? https://energymedicinedna.com/intuitive-readings/” quote=”Do you have karma with your partner? Do you share a past life?”]

Contact Candess for a Psychic Reading!

 

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Is Trump a Sex Addict?

by @candesscampbell

However you lean politically, the media is clearly bringing to the surface an issue that affects a large population in our country – Sex Addiction!

CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and others are all playing over and over the Access Hollywood video by Billy Bush where Trump showed his cards in how he thinks about and treats women.

With the accessibility of stimulation through the Internet and mobile phones, sexual addiction has come to the forefront. Celebrities behaviors are also being recorded and shared in public. In my private practice as a mental health and addictions counselor, more and more clients are showing up who need help from this addiction. Whether it be prostitution, pornography or chronic masturbation, it can wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of those they love. In response to this, the treatment community has begun to use sexual addiction assessments along with alcohol and drug assessments.

Working as a chemical dependency counselor at a Federal prison camp in the mid-1990s, during the “war on drugs,” we began assessing for childhood sexual abuse and past sexual abuse. Nearly all of the female clients had been sexually abused. Some of the men said yes, but I suspect even with the promise of confidentially, they did not admit to this. Many who have been abused don’t remember, but issues show up later in their lives in relationship.

Most of my clients who were diagnosed as sex addicts had been women and men who had a history of past sexual abuse and at some level attempted to find balance and healing, but instead found themselves in relationships where they became sexually addicted and often exploited. Some went on to be sex offenders. One example is a past client I counseled. He had been abused by his older brother and then went on to sexually abuse his nephew.

A leader in the field of Sexual Addition treatment is Douglas Weiss, PhD. This article summarizes the 6 Types of Sexual Addicts, a model he developed, which became the standard used to certify Sexual Recovery Therapists by the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy.

[clickToTweet tweet=”‘In a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context.'” quote=”Weiss explains, “in a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context. He/she is gluing to the person, the eyes, and the soul of the person he/she is being sexual with.” This is different than having the object of sexual fulfillment being images that do not respond. Addiction creates lack of control, shame, and self-loathing and destroys relationships. “]

Six Types of Sexual Addicts

1. Biological Sexual Addict

Weiss states this is the most common sex addict. Basically the behavior is “ring the bell, feed the dog, ring the bell, feed the dog” like Pavlov’s conditioning. What happens is during orgasm; the endorphins that are released create an attachment to what is happening at the time. So whether this is a real or imaged person, the chemical release in the brain creates a bond. These endorphins, “almost four times as strong as morphine,” are the highest chemical reward the brain can come by, legally. Therefore, “your brain literally glues to, hungers for, craves, and wants to repeat that activity again.”

Weiss states that the Biological Sex Addict probably represents less than 15% of all sexual addicts, and is the baseline of all the sexual addictions. Most also have components of the other five types.

In my own counseling practice, many of my female clients who have a history of sexual abuse fall for his type of addict. They become the sexual object for them.

2. Psychological Sexual Addict

This person is often the one who has experienced emotional or physical abuse in his life. Due to the lack of love, touch, or security, as a child he sets up a fantasy life. This sense of neglect can carry on into adulthood and when his needs are not met at home, he creates a fantasy world where he feels adored, worshiped, and desired. This is the man who fantasizes he is the best, the biggest, the greatest, etc. If he has been dominated in his life he may fantasize as being the one who is dominating.

In his psychological fantasy, he feels sexually powerful, loved and wanted. In his imagination, he doesn’t have to deal with real women who may say no, ask him for commitment, ask for help with the housework or ask for emotional intimacy. Once this fantasy is paired with the powerful chemical endorphins, he is hooked.

3. Spiritual Based Sexual Addict

Similar to the psychological sexual addict, this addict is looking for a connection. There is a strong desire for a spiritual connection. They look to find it within their sexual addiction. In this case, once they have a spiritual experience through a religious encounter, an experience with Jesus or another guide or Guru, the sexual addiction stops. “Their sexual addiction just plain stops, because that’s where the origin of the ache or the need was for the individual.” These people rarely get help within the clinical community.

4. Trauma Based Sexual Addict

The trauma based sexual addict is the client I have most experience with. In this case, he or she has experienced sexual trauma, most likely as a child or adolescent. These clients go on to mirror their trauma in their relationships. For example a young girl who was sexually abused by an older uncle may end up in relationship after relationship with older men. She may despise herself for this, but continue the behavior and recreate the shame. A woman who has been physically abused in conjunction with a sexual trauma may act out being abused in the sexual act in order to be satisfied and make attempt after attempt to find the right partner, shaming herself all the way. She becomes a sexual addict that is also the sexual object of another addict.

5. Intimacy Anorexic

Although a separate issue from sexual addiction, Weiss states intimacy anorexia affects around 29% of sex addicts. Generally, the anorexic behavior is related to “sex addiction, sexual trauma, neglect in the family and cross gender attachment disorder.” There also may be related to other co-occurring disorders. Weiss describes intimacy anorexia as when a “spouse intentionally withholds emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.” They may control through silence, anger, or withholding money. They blame their spouse, withhold love, tend to be critical, and are unwilling to talk about their feelings. This is a difficult situation for the addict because as they are working on their own recovery, whether it be abstaining from prostitutes, masturbation, or pornography, they also need to learn to move toward their spouse or partner and re-create a healthy relationship. They have to learn to feel and communicate their feelings.

6. Mood Disorder

Sexual addicts who also have a mood disorder are another type of sex addict. Weiss shared about clients who were bipolar or had cyclothymic disorder and were medicating the imbalance neurologically through the ejaculation response. Until the medication was adjusted properly, they continued to relapse.

When you hear the term sexual addict, it may conjure up an image of someone being sexual, playful and having fun. The truth is the very opposite. Although the sexual thoughts and behavior may start that way, as in any addiction, the person loses control and their life spirals downward. Sexual addicts generally have low self-esteem and believe no one will love them as they are. They lack emotional intimacy and are continually pre-occupied with sex and sexual fantasies. They feel out of control and experience mood swings. They are filled with feelings of guilt and shame.

You may wonder, how sexual addiction is different from normal sexual behavior.

Weiss explains, “in a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context. He/she is gluing to the person, the eyes, and the soul of the person he/she is being sexual with.” This is different than having the object of sexual fulfillment being images that do not respond. Addiction creates lack of control, shame, and self-loathing and destroys relationships.

As with all addictions, recovery is a one-day at a time process. Interventions and treatment planning is different for each specific person. Most often when one is treated for sexual addition, the chances of recovery are better when their spouse or partner is involved.

In addition to treatment centers like the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where Dr. Weiss is the Executive Director, there are also 12 Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. https://saa-recovery.org/ There are several other similar programs that provide help.

The Six Types of Sexual Addicts information came from a written interview of Dr. Weiss by Barbara Alexander and my email communication with him.

Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and the author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery (Discovery Press, 2008).

This article was published in part earlier in Live Encounters Magazine. http://liveencounters.net/january-2014/06-june-2014/dr-candess-m-campbell-sexual-addiction/

Boundaries in Social Media

by @candesscampbell

With fall around the corner and back to school ahead, many people find themselves ending the summer fun and look forward to spending time with friends in new environments. The wild fun of music and water sports gives way to intimate groups in indoor venues and making plans for the holidays.

The natural cycle is to expand in the summer time and pull inward in the fall. You move into solitude in your studies or you join book clubs. You volunteer or get back to the gym. Maybe you redecorate and nest. Later as you move into winter, you will begin to ground your energy, grow your roots and reflect within as you enjoy your friends and family over the holidays.

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In this information age though, social media pushes forward and you continue to stay connected, make friends on new sites, and continue to expand. At one time you had a natural balance of alone time in the fall. You were able to move inward, reflect, journal and deepen. Now, with social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Periscope, Tinder, and others your energy keeps expanding. You become overwhelmed. With new technology, it’s important to learn new ways of setting boundaries for yourSelf.

P1010399As a psychic medium, more often than not, I see clients’ energy as being ungrounded with energy leaks in the third chakra and chaotic energy in the aura. As a therapist, in session, clients share reactions to the posts of others and lose their grounding. They may have seen their girlfriend change their status on Facebook from “in a relationship with” (them) to “single,” or they see photos of their boyfriend with someone else. Too often this whole situation gets played out in public on Facebook or on Twitter.

Clearly in this information age there are new ways of thinking about boundaries. It is easy to mistake your friends (up to 5000 of them on FB) as truly your friends. In your fiery reaction you display your anger and pain publicly and gain support. Then other “friends” show up to criticize you for what you shared. All of this feels normal in the high emotional state that you are in. Sharing that used to happen with your closest friend in private now happens for the world to see.

Later you cool down and this public display of anger and grief turns to shame. It’s important to remember that even though in moments, you can share everything with the world, not everything needs to be shared. Here is some helpful guidelines on setting boundaries.

Collapsed, Rigid and Healthy Boundaries

First ask yourself, are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross the boundaries of others? Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away? Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?

Your boundaries change over time and in different situations. It can depend on how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use that includes social media.

 

Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Sharing too much personal information too soon.
  • Sharing private information on social sites with people you don’t really know.
  • Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
  • Doing anything to avoid conflict.
  • Having a high tolerance for abuse.
  • Sharing too openly after having a drink.

 

Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
  • Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
  • Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
  • Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.
  • Sharing false information so you don’t risk being seen.

 

Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:

  • Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
  • Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
  • You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
  • You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.
  • Sharing in a loving and caring way in social sites without disclosing too much that is either personal or still raw for you.

 

I have journaled for over 30 years using my journal to vent, as well as to connect with the deeper part of myself. It is also a great place to keep write down dreams and to take notes from my favorite books.

My recommendation is that you use your journal to vent before you begin to share with people you don’t know well or on social media. Life is so much easier once you take the “charge” off a situation.

In the next month I will be publishing my new book Live Intuitively: Activate the Wisdom of your Soul. This book will teach you to read yourSelf intuitively and gives you specific writing prompts called “Soul Stems” to activate your own soul wisdom!

 

Having read this blog, share your experience:

  1. What are your rules around sharing with people you just meet, with friends and on social networking sites?
  2. What plans do you have to spend some time alone to reconnect with yourself as you move into fall? How do you deepen your relationships with yourself so you don’t get over-expanded, ungrounded and exhausted?
  3. How have you used journaling to clear your mind or prime yourself for your own writing project?

Before Play . . . What Women Want!

by @candesscampbell

“It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.”

Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without Counseling – Marko Petkovic

Sarah is with friends at a piano bar in downtown Seattle. A tall, dark, handsome man (really) who is new to the group comes up and begins to converse. They make a great connection talking about similar interests and she is curious. She and her friends catch up sharing about their lives and the music starts. Luca (tall, dark, and handsome) comes up and asks her to dance. She begins to move her hips to the music, but he pulls her to him and twirls her around the dance floor. Her curiosity grows and she wonders, “Who is this man?” As the night goes on, he continues to woo her, dancing and whispering in her ear. She unmistakably tells him she is in a relationship, but this does not stop him from professing her beauty, murmuring he loves her eyes, and when she puts her cheek to his shoulder in a slow dance, chills run down her spine.

She notices her female friends are watching her. Later, they insist he is “a player.” She laughs, knowing this of course, and enjoys his attention anyway. Being comfortable with herself, her sexuality and men, she goes along. The group moves to a nearby Karaoke bar and she and Luca sing “Falling Slowly” together as the dance floor fills with couples.

The night moves on and the group is leaving. She walks out with Mallory, her friend and ride home. Luca follows her out to the car and opens the door, all the while enticing her to let him take her home. She laughs, Mallory roles up the window, and off they go.

The next day her boyfriend Jesse calls and wants to see her. She invites him over and within the first ten minutes he initiates sex by rubbing up against her with a look of anticipation in his eyes.

Whether her previous evening behavior was appropriate or not, having interviewed several women, this scenario with Jesse is not far from the truth for many women. What happened here? The difference between how she was treated by a stranger and the man who loves her was monumental. The sense of being desired, of feeling beautiful, of being prepared for lovemaking did not happen with Jesse.

As a therapist, too often I witness couples that become more like roommates than passionate partners in life. They leave intimacy behind and feel unfulfilled in their relationships or marriages. Sometimes they opt for an affair. Other times they may compromise and shut down their emotions to “go along to get along.” Neither of these choices support the early dreams they envisioned of being in love!

A friend of mine shared that the man she had been dating for several months “doesn’t have a clue” how to connect with her prior to their lovemaking. She said it has been really difficult to be sexual at his beck and call, and sadly, he doesn’t understand the difference between intimacy and sex. She loves him, and although they are sexually active, she is not satisfied.

Of course, not all men neglect the needs of their lovers. The intent of this article is to invite men to bring forward the “player within” and to love their wife or girlfriend as if they first met! Listening, attending to and understanding the desires of your partner can strengthen the fiber or your relationship. There is a powerful connection and bond that happens in relationships when intimacy and sexuality can be enjoyed in a loving, supportive and nurturing environment on a daily basis.

In an interview survey regarding “Before Play” a woman who described herself as having a positive relationship, was asked, “who usually initiates sex and how is it done?” She said he usually initiates. She said “Sex starts early in the day with talk and holding one another. My husband’s “love language” expresses itself with acts of service and physical touch that mean a lot to me. We are both physical so touch is critical: kissing slow, fondling, and being playful with one another. In response to the question “does he prepare you prior to being sexual?” she replied “Yes, he will pick up something nice for dinner or a bottle of wine, etc. He often stays in touch sending texts or calls during the day.”

In the interview process, the theme was the same. The communication, intimacy, and connective feeling prior to intercourse had a substantial effect on their sexual life. It affected not only the quality of the sexual experience, but the frequency of sex as well. When women were fulfilled sexually, they said they were happier in their relationship overall.

So what happens? “How to satisfy a woman” is not a new topic and you can hardly even avoid being educated about the needs of women if you ever read cartoons, watched TV, or overheard conversations at the local pub.

BeforePlay (rather than foreplay) begins hours if not days prior to making love. Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.

What women want!

1. Communication – connect with her prior to lovemaking. A phone call or a sexy text to entice her during the day just may be the key.

2. Connection – knowing that she likes to be kissed and cuddled first or enjoys moving right into hot, passionate lovemaking can heighten the fun. Be present to her.

3. Set the stage – whether you bring wine or flowers, play music, or light candles, stimulate her senses for a intense experience.

So if you are a man who sees himself as potent, vital and ready for love, see your woman as one who deserves to be cherished. Woo her in the manner that she enjoys and begin the process (beforeplay) early in the day and slow it down creating some enticement. Strengthen and deepen your love and experience in the incredible, sacred sexual union. You’ll notice the difference in the quality of your life!

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an Author, Blogger, Intuitive Success Coach and International Psychic Medium.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine.  

Sexual Addiction!

by @candesscampbell


“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” 
― Hunter S. Thompson

 

Sexual addiction! What is it? With the accessibility of stimulation through the Internet and mobile phones, there is a lot more exposure to the issue of sexual addiction. In my private practice as a mental health and addictions counselor, more and more clients are showing up who need help from this addiction. Actually it is usually the partner of the addict that is either reaching out for help or giving the addict an ultimatum – get help or else. Whether it be prostitution, pornography or chronic masturbation, it can wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of those they love.  In response to this, the treatment community has begun to use sexual addiction assessments along with alcohol and drug assessments.

Working as a chemical dependency counselor at a Federal prison camp in the mid-1990s, during the “war on drugs,” we began assessing for childhood sexual abuse and past sexual abuse. Nearly all of the female clients had been sexually abused. Some of the men said yes, but I suspect even with the promise of confidentially, they did not admit to this. Many who have been abused don’t remember, but issues show up later in their relationships.

Most of my clients who were diagnosed as sex addicts had been women and men who had a history of past sexual abuse and at some level attempted to find balance and healing, but instead found themselves in relationships where they became sexually addicted and often exploited. Some went on to be sex offenders. One example is a past client I counseled. He had been abused by his older brother and then went on to sexually abuse his nephew.

A leader in the field of Sexual Addition treatment is Douglas Weiss, PhD. This article summarizes the 6 Types of Sexual Addicts, a model he developed, which became the standard used to certify Sexual Recovery Therapists by the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy.

 

Six Types of Sexual Addicts

1. Biological Sexual Addict

Weiss states this is the most common sex addict. Basically the behavior is “ring the bell, feed the dog, ring the bell, feed the dog” like Pavlov’s conditioning. What happens is during orgasm; the endorphins that are released create an attachment to what is happening at the time. So whether this is a real or imaged person, the chemical release in the brain creates a bond. These endorphins, “almost four times as strong as morphine,” are the highest chemical reward the brain can come by, legally. Therefore, “your brain literally glues to, hungers for, craves, and wants to repeat that activity again.”

Weiss states that the Biological Sex Addict probably represents less than 15% of all sexual addicts, and is the baseline of all the sexual addictions. Most also have components of the other five types.

In my own counseling practice, many of my female clients who have a history of sexual abuse fall for his type of addict. They become the sexual object for them.

2. Psychological Sexual Addict 

This person is often the one who has experienced emotional or physical abuse in his life. Due to the lack of love, touch, or security, as a child he sets up a fantasy life. This sense of neglect can carry on into adulthood and when his needs sare not met at home, he creates a fantasy world where he feels adored, worshiped, and desired. This is the man who fantasizes he is the best, the biggest, the greatest, etc. If he has been dominated in his life he may fantasize as being the one who is dominating.

In his psychological fantasy, he feels sexually powerful, loved and wanted. In his imagination, he doesn’t have to deal with real women who may say no, ask him for commitment, ask for help with the housework or ask for emotional intimacy. Once this fantasy is paired with the powerful chemical endorphins, he is hooked.

3. Spiritual Based Sexual Addict

Similar to the psychological sexual addict, this addict is looking for a connection. There is a strong desire for a spiritual connection. They look to find it within their sexual addiction. In this case, once they have a spiritual experience through a religious encounter, an experience with Jesus or another guide or Guru, the sexual addiction stops. “Their sexual addiction just plain stops, because that’s where the origin of the ache or the need was for the individual.” These people rarely get help within the clinical community.

4. Trauma Based Sexual Addict

The trauma based sexual addict is the client I have most experience with. In this case, he or she has experienced sexual trauma, most likely as a child or adolescent. These clients go on to mirror their trauma in their relationships. For example a young girl who was sexually abused by an older uncle may end up in relationship after relationship with older men. She may despise herself for this, but continue the behavior and recreate the shame. A woman who has been physically abused in conjunction with a sexual trauma may act out being abused in the sexual act in order to be satisfied and make attempt after attempt to find the right partner, shaming herself all the way. She becomes a sexual addict that is also the sexual object of another addict.

5. Intimacy Anorexic

Although a separate issue from sexual addiction, Weiss states intimacy anorexia affects around 29% of sex addicts. Generally, the anorexic behavior is related to “sex addiction, sexual trauma, neglect in the family and cross gender attachment disorder.” There also may be related to other co-occurring disorders. Weiss describes intimacy anorexia as when a “spouse intentionally withholds emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.” They may control through silence, anger, or withholding money. They blame their spouse, withhold love, tend to be critical, and are unwilling to talk about their feelings. This is a difficult situation for the addict because as they are working on their own recovery, whether it be abstaining from prostitutes, masturbation, or pornography, they also need to learn to move toward their spouse or partner and re-create a healthy relationship. They have to learn to feel and communicate their feelings.

 6. Mood Disorder

Sexual addicts who also have a mood disorder are another type of sex addict. Weiss shared about clients who were bipolar or had cyclothymic disorder and were medicating the imbalance neurologically through the ejaculation response. Until the medication was adjusted properly, they continued to relapse.

When you hear the term sexual addict, it may conjure up an image of someone being sexual, playful and having fun. The truth is the very opposite. Although the sexual thoughts and behavior may start that way, as in any addiction, the person loses control and their life spirals downward. Sexual addicts generally have low self-esteem and believe no one will love them as they are. They lack emotional intimacy and are continually pre-occupied with sex and sexual fantasies. They feel out of control and experience mood swings. They are filled with feelings of guilt and shame.

You may wonder, how sexual addiction is different from normal sexual behavior.

Weiss explains, “in a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context. He/she is gluing to the person, the eyes, and the soul of the person he/she is being sexual with.” This is different than having the object of sexual fulfillment being images that do not respond. Addiction creates lack of control, shame, and self-loathing and destroys relationships.

 As with all addictions, recovery is a one-day at a time process. Interventions and treatment planning is different for each specific person. Most often when one is treated for sexual addition, the chances of recovery are better when their spouse or partner is involved.

 In addition to treatment centers like the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where Dr. Weiss is the Executive Director, there are also 12 Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. https://saa-recovery.org/ There are several other similar programs that provide help.

 The Six Types of Sexual Addicts information came from a written interview of Dr. Weiss by Barbara Alexander and my email communication with him.

 Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and the author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery (Discovery Press, 2008).

 Heart to Heart Counseling Center 719-278-3708

heart2heart@xc.org.  Website www.sexaddict.com. 

This article was originally published In Live Encounters Magazine! 

Sexual Compromise

by @candesscampbell

Communication between couples has evolved over the last decade. Often they actually negotiate their sexual desires with each other. Whether or not they come to a mutual conclusion is another story. Even television commercials poke fun at the difference in men and women’s libido and their desire for sex. Of course this is a general perspective and definitely there are women who are poking at their men too.

The scope of this article relates to committed relationships. Casual sexual relationships have a whole different dynamic that won’t be explored here. So let’s take an example.

 3It was an incredible night. Brandon and Emma celebrated their seven-year anniversary at Alinea, a modern Chicago restaurant with excellent reviews. Having had a busy week, they planned a quite evening together. As a law professor at Loyola, Emma worked long hours and at varied times during the week. Brandon traveled as an international broker and this left them juggling for relaxed time together.

After a delicious meal of king crab and scallops, with fine white wine, they walked along the lakefront in Lincoln Park, reflecting back on when they met. The first time in many years, they reminisced about their combined dreams. The night was perfect. The streets were unusually quiet as they visited a couple galleries and enjoyed the city lights. 

In the cab ride home they sat quietly enjoying the smell and the warmth of each other’s bodies. Emma felt content as she noticed they were breathing together as one. Once home, already having had a couple drinks, they moved directly into the bedroom. Intimacy had given way to work for the last few months, and they were finally at ease. They crawled into bed and she looked at him adoringly as she kissed him. She thanked him profusely for the wonderful evening. He began to kiss her passionately and his hands began to explore her curves. His expectation and hers collided.

She – had a wonderful night, hadn’t been intimate with him for a long time, has been stressed and busy at work, wants to close her eyes and experience the sensations of being in love and cuddle.

He – finally had time with his wife. Has not had sex with her for weeks. Planned this evening so they could finally be sexual again. Did all the right moves as far as planning goes and is ready to “finish the deal.”

Sound familiar?  We could change the names, city, careers, circumstances just like a fill in the blanks puzzle, but overall, internationally, the results are the same.

So, who compromises in the sexual arena and at what cost?  Her need and desire is for closeness, commitment, security and love. He desire is for a woman, Emma, who will be there for him, being sexual when he wants her to be, to share activities and the convenience of love.

She responds to romance and sexuality when there is ambiance, connection, closeness and communication. Brandon focuses on his virility and what I refer to as his “puffing peacock” stance. History between Brandon and Emma around negotiating intercourse has shown him this is a precarious time, so he is aware of not triggering any reactions from her.

Nevertheless, whether or not the evening ends with the couple joyfully entangled or not – who’s to know? Maybe you can relate.

Who is responsible for ones sexual expression, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure? This case was not so extreme, but what would you do if you were in a committed relationship or marriage and your partner/spouse continually said no?  Is it your moral and religious obligation to stay; to stay faithful and live the rest of your life without being sexual with your wife or husband?

If you are a woman who is sexually unresponsive or non-orgasmic, either due to lack of physical desire (possibly hormonal,) illness, or having a husband who goes straight to the sexual act with no ability or understanding how to engage you and fire your desire; what do you do?

At what point do women add having sex to their list along with doing the laundry, picking up groceries and attending their daughter’s dance recital? When I was in India recently, I sat at the breakfast table before my friend completed his yogic breathing. I had tea and checked my email. Every morning I heard what sounded like a woman having an orgasm. I was with my friend’s family and I didn’t speak Bengali and they didn’t speak English. They didn’t seem to notice, but, nevertheless, I felt embarrassed. I shared this with my friend when he joined me and he said, oh, no, Indian women don’t make noise. Really I asked. He assured me this was true and said she must be praying.

Well, I didn’t buy it! Later we continued our conversation, which lead to American woman being passionate and vocally expressive. I explained this was also a validation to their lover. This discussion of course was destined to end up talking about “faking it.” He had not even conceived of any such behavior by women and ultimately in my need to be right, I searched youtube on my Mac Air and found the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally.  (link here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hY7_CNuEQY

My friend was astonished and definitely humored by this funny scene. Then, the sound I had been hearing every morning began and I begged, “listen, listen there it is.” He looked at me with surprise and said, “she is praying.” Okay, he was right.

Right or wrong, I believe every sexual relationship has compromise. The hope would be that each person takes his or her share of compromise, but more often it is one person who gives in.  What is the cost?  Resentment, lack of true intimacy, aggression, depression, marital prostitution; I could go on. Most likely the couples separate at least emotionally, if not physically. Whether an affair ensues or not, there is an unspoken agreement, and they live as roommates, or what I call, married singles.

Delving so deeply into this topic, I yearn for a solution; so here it is.  To men I ask that you understand that foreplay is not rubbing up against a woman, telling her about how great you are, or beginning to kiss and fondle her with the expectation of sex. If you don’t have a satisfying pattern of sexuality, or if your intimacy is routine and stagnant, please understand.  For most women, foreplay begins at least anywhere from 12 – 72 hours prior to intercourse. Women are sensual and emotional beings. Engage their senses. Get to know your woman. Does she like her back rubbed with scented oil, to have you whisper in her ear or kiss the back of her neck? Is she responsive to the vibe of a candle or burning fire, to jewelry or flowers? Does she become stimulated by a romantic and succulent meal or a night on the town? These behaviors begin long before the sexual encounter.

To women who love men whose sexual desire overrides yours, please speak up. Men in general are not nearly as complicated as you might think. Communication is absolute, and generally women must take the lead in this area. Communicate, even when it is difficult and you keep hitting roadblocks. When you are together and sexuality is not the immediate issue, take some time to share what you like. Share whether it is better for you when you advance toward him with intimacy, or when he moves toward you with desire. Let him know what is stimulating for you and what sets the mood. Men in general love to please women! Give him the roadmap so both of you can enjoy the journey.

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine where Candess is a monthly contributor.