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Self-Reflection and Amends Making

April 11, 2018 by @candesscampbell

Last week I found myself in a situation where I was talking with someone and I could hear my own voice. I sounded condescending and intense, with a tinge of anger. It was not how I wanted to convey my message and I felt helpless. At that time, I shared with this person that I could hear my own voice and my intention was not to be condescending, and for some reason I really couldn’t change the sound of my voice. I kept good eye contact to stay connected.

I was trying to understand what the person was doing and was in shock. It took me a couple of days of self-reflection to understand what was happening for me. What I realized was I was shocked by this person’s behavior. I could see the lack of basic skills. Later, I understood that my reaction was shock and also fear. I could not even imagine how someone that age would be unable to do simple tasks. Seeing the person lacking basic skills scared me because I felt responsible to help and I was overwhelmed by the scope of this.

The self-reflection helped me see my own over-functioning behavior and how I can choose to teach and help or choose not to do this. Once I looked at what was underneath my seemingly uncontrollable over-reaction, I called the person and apologized. I was calm and connected and it felt much better. Then I began to look at ways that I could empower the person and not rescue or shame.

The point of this story is that self-reflection is really important and many people don’t have the ability or desire to do this. Very few people take the time to self-reflect and look at how they behave. Because of that, very few people take the time to make amends. Making amends is different than just saying you’re sorry. Too often people say I’m sorry all day long and it has nothing to do with what they do, but is an automatic response because of low self-esteem.

Amends making comes from thinking over a situation and looking at, not only what you did, but also identifying your pattern of reacting. It is about understanding what triggered you so you can do better in the future. The other part of amends making is you don’t only say you are sorry, but you do something to make it better.

I called the person and said I am working on being more respectful and I will do better. In the next couple weeks I’ll do something special for this person to complete my amends making.

We all deserve to be treated with respect. We start by being self-reflective and then make amends. This builds your character. You also model healthy behavior for others.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Don’t Waste Time

October 4, 2017 by @candesscampbell

Keeping with communication, this week I’d like to share about Time. We communicate by what we say, but we also communicate by what we do. Earlier this week I was at Super Supplements and found myself behind a young man who was trying to purchase something. He struggled with figuring out what he could buy for the amount of money he had. He must have had a gift certificate or something. The cashier had partially ringed up his purchases and then he took off to find the perfect new purchase for the right price. As he wandered around the store, another person and I stood in line waiting.

I was in between clients and was running a quick errand and I was not happy with having to wait. The cashier said she couldn’t cancel the purchase and ring us up as he wandered. Finally another cashier came to open another register. I was burning up with Don’t Waste My Time.”

[clickToTweet tweet=”We communicate by what we say, but we also communicate by what we do.” quote=”We communicate by what we say, but we also communicate by what we do.”]

What I realized is I have been busier than I would have liked the last few years and I am like a mother bear protecting her cub around my time. Practicing Less is More prior to the book I am publishing by the same name helps.

Another book that was helpful is Sonia Choquette’s Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose. In the chapter Waste No Time she says if you “squander your time,” basically you hold yourself back and others too!

I loved that Choquette said, “Do not waste other people’s time either. It is emotionally indulgent and disrespectful to break agreements, send mixed messages, arrive late for appointment (or miss them altogether), or be unaccountable.”

[clickToTweet tweet=”Don’t waste the time of others! Be accountable. ” quote=”Do you tend to waste your time or other’s time?”]

It was twenty years ago I took the Landmark Forum and Advanced Forum. One gem I learned was how important it is to follow through when you Give your Word. It is about who you are and how others see you. You either gain respect and trust or you don’t.

Now, I am not saying I don’t mess up at times. Occasionally, for some odd reason a client appointment disappears from my calendar and I end up unprepared as someone shows up or I call a client because they missed an appointment and I hadn’t recorded they had cancelled. When this happens, I grovel appropriately and do whatever I need to do to make it right with them.

My time is valuable and so is yours.

Thanks for taking your precious time to read this blog.

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The Dilettante (Amateur) Archetype

December 30, 2016 by @candesscampbell

Enjoy a guest blog from Cheyenne Mendel, Goddess extraordinaire!

“From a Latin root meaning “to delight in,” the Dilettante is a lover of the fine arts who never rises above the level of an amateur, and to whom the phrase “jack of all trades, master of none” applies. Although the word has the negative connotation of a dabbler who seeks only a cursory knowledge or experience, it never completely loses the sense of delighting in the arts. The Amateur, from the Latin root for “love,” has many of the same qualities of the Dilettante applied to the realm of sports or applied arts such as cooking and gardening. In many cases it’s better to be an inspired amateur than a grind-it-out professional. Like the survival archetypes, the Dilettante or Amateur can alert you when you are in danger of becoming merely superficial in your pursuits, or losing the love that drew you to your avocation in the first place. The shadow Dilettante manifests as a pretension to much deeper knowledge than you actually possess.” – Caroline Myss

If you have not blessed yourself with any of Caroline Myss’s books or teachings I highly recommend it. They are life changing.

“VENICE” by Rowan Lyford

I realize now the archetype of the Dilettante came to me early 2016 when I went into the local artisans gallery in Crestone, Colorado. I saw this painting entitled “VENICE” and was immediately smitten. I love art but I have never considered myself an artist of any kind.

I could not get the painting out of my mind and would walk by to make sure it was still there. I realized I had to secure it for myself and plopped $700 down on it. I had never really purchased a painting let alone spend that kind of money.

I discovered it was painted by a 17-year-old girl named Rowan. I was amazed by how much it inspired me and it also turned out to be a feng shui cure to help sell my business.

In 2016 I took up piano lessons. I had them in the 2nd and 3rd grade but during the times I was supposed to be practicing, bad things were happening to me at home. I had “collapsed” (a Landmark Education term) the abuse with playing the piano. I never touched the piano again for decades.

Cheyenne Mendel playing the piano in her home in Saguache, Colorado.

I myself have been and acupuncturist for 26 years. I have had the privilege of treating over 30,000 sessions and chances are for years and years I have spent most of my days standing with people and working on them. Like me, there are many other specialist in fields that require tons of education like physicians for example, who have not explored the Dilettante simply for lack of time.

I would say anyone who spends 10,000 hours let alone 30,000 would be an expert in that field. I am not used to being an amateur. Crawling when I am used to running doesn’t feel great. Ego crushing at times!

The benefits of artistic expression are numerous and undeniable when practiced. Being able to do something for the sheer joy of it is inspirational and miraculous.

Another bucket list item for me was dance. Just this month, I enrolled in a studio for a 6 week two-step country swing class and it has been pure pleasure. For me the best part is “being led”. I have to lead in so many other areas of my life. To be able to let go and flit around the dance floor to honkey tonk music has been a blast.

In the Dec 2016/ Jan 2017 Reader’s Digest article, Kurt Vonnegut writes, ‘What I have to say to you, moreover will not take long, to wit: Practice any art – music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage – no matter how well or badly, not to get money or fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what is inside of you, to make your soul grow.”

He goes on to say “Write a poem and make it the best you possible can. Don’t tell anyone what you are doing. Don’t share it with anyone. Tear it into tiny pieces and discard them widely in different receptacles.”

The Dilettante experiences art for the joy of it. The huge popularity of the show THE VOICE speaks to how much the population is thirsty for pure inspiration and joy in artistry.

The artist Prince died April 21, 2016. I cried for three weeks and then again even months later. Why? I never understood the crying I saw around me when Elvis died. I was 9 years old. All these people did not know Elvis. I now understand. I did not know Prince personally nor did I ever attend one of the famous Paisley Park pop up concerts, but the love and artistry and high frequency and how he conducted his life, left a big impression in my heart. Every time someone we know or someone who touches us dies, we take inventory of our life and the meaning of it and what brings meaning to it.

So if the Dilettante is knocking I recommend letting him or her in. The water is very fine.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth.” – William W. Purkey

Cheyenne Mendel practices acupuncture in Crestone, Colorado.

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Why People Cheat

April 16, 2014 by @candesscampbell

After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.

Having been a professional counselor and intuitive reader for many years, I have been privy to the inside of many relationships, at least through the eyes of my client.

In any relationship, the foundation to having a positive and healthy experience is having good self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value one puts on themselves, how they feel about themselves and a belief of how others perceive them. Many years ago I attended the second weekend workshop of the Landmark Forum. This workshop is geared to assist the participants in becoming more positive in their lives by having a “break-through” in awareness. You might say it is a 3-day coaching program. Although, for the most part, the participants were successful and generally happy people, at the end of the day, hundreds of participants got up and shared from an exercise they completed the underlying issue behind their difficulties was they did not believe they were either worthy or deserving.

Although this was a small sample of the population, it is challenging for me not to generalize to most people. Given this premise, it would make sense that people who are in committed relationships cheat in order to have an external validation of themselves; of their worth and their value.

It would be remiss of me not to also address our human need to love and be loved. As a counselor who has worked with thousands of people, I have to understand one’s ability to express and receive love through the lens of their history, beginning with the birth experience on. Each person is different in their ability and desire for intimacy and need to experience the other person as a source of love.

When I ask others why people cheat some of the the responses are “to boost their self-esteem,” “because they are selfish,” and “because they are not getting certain needs met by their partner.” This issue is clearly not black and white.

When clients come to me for a session, ready to end their marriage or long-term relationship, often I ask them when they first knew this was not working, or not going to work. More often than not, they say, right away, or the first week, sometimes even the first day. One of the main reasons I believe relationships don’t work, is people do not listen to their intuition in the first place. The intensity of the relationship, the pheromones, adrenaline, sexual attraction replaces not only what they think (red flags,) but also their gut feeling, their own intuition.

Having said that, once committed, Why Do People Cheat?

Aside from low self-esteem, lack of communication is definitely one of the main issues. In the intensity of the initial meeting and connection, everything about the person is great. If not so great, although not true, the belief is where the other is not what you want, they will change. Small disagreements are soon met with make-up sessions of love and passion. The ability to communicate may never be addressed and the he relationship over time may not deepen. Rather than searching for answers (which you can find online, in books and with counselors, ministers and healers) the person reaches for someone who adores them, finds them attractive, or gives them what they want without any need for clear communication.

With the lack of communication also can come control issues. Some of the ways that one control are not allowing their loved one to have the freedom to spend time with their friends, controlling the money, or not allowing their partner to work outside the home. Passive aggressive behavior may take over and one partner will withhold sex, or become withdrawn and depressed. Not all depression is a form of passive aggressiveness, but it can be for some. These control issues can include verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the controlled partner eventually finds solace in the arms of another.

When one looks for validation from others, they may create an intimate relationship outside the for the sole purpose of identity and self-esteem. One may marry because the other person “looks good” and makes them “look good.” This is the concept of the “trophy wife.” Women often marry men who have power or money. This would be a marriage that has the prostitute archetype activated. There is a trade between the partners. In these cases, the agreement of the marriage does not satisfy the need for love or the intense sexuality that they may crave and so they may have a love partner on the side.

This desire for love and sexual satisfaction can also be a reason one will cheat when there is no longer love or affection in the marriage. After years of being together, the couple may grow apart and feel as if they are “married singles.” They long for connection and to feel young and alive and because the marriage seems to be dead, they find a lover or maybe even fall in love with another person. Then they have the decision to stay in the marriage or leave.

When one falls in love or wants to fall in love again, rather than leaving, they may stay married and cheat because of family religious obligations, not wanting to upset the children or other family members, or financial dependency or security. They feel stuck, yet make a decision on values of one sort, and giving up the value of fidelity. Another reason similar to this, is one who cannot stand up for themselves. They keep quiet and live the life they despise. This again can be from low self-esteem and in these cases often become passive aggressive, thus an affair.

In some cases, I have seen where clients have had affairs because they have a spouse who is ill. They stay in the marriage to care for their loved one and may still be very much in love, but they are not able to get emotional needs met. Financial dependency or family expectations may also be involved and rather than being unhappy, they make the decision to fill themselves up with love from another.

One of the most common situations I have seen has been when someone cheats because of revenge. This can be because they were cheated on, or because their partner is just not doing what they want. They justify their behavior because they are not happy and take no responsibility for creating happiness for themselves.

More recently, it has come out into the open that some people who are gay, marry to create a public presence that is acceptable. This has happened in politics and other areas where one would lose a lot to be open about their sexuality. Many people who were gay married and created families before society began to be more open and continued to hide behind the façade and have love lives separate from their marriage.

And finally, and possibly the most common reason people cheat is love addiction. As a counselor, I am most privy to this. Love addiction is a combination of many of these reasons: low self-esteem, need for validation, often alcoholism and/or drug addiction, anger and vengeance and more. Love addiction can be a dangerous cycle of creating relationship, getting hurt, feeling desperate, finding a new lover immediately, and the cycle starts again.

This article has delved into why people cheat. Hopefully, you begin to think outside the box of right and wrong, the black and white perspective and understand that some reasons are clearly destructive, some freeing and healing and in all cases, difficult decisions to make.

This article was previously published in Live Encounters magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6969

Time and Space

July 9, 2012 by @candesscampbell

In a weekly phone meeting with my dearest friends, this last week we talked about the chapter Waste No Time in Sonia Choquette’s book Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose.

What I realized is I have been busier than I would have liked the last few years and I am like a mother bear protecting her cub around my time. She says if you “squander your time” basically you hold yourself back and others too!

I loved that she said, “do not waste other people’s time either. It is emotionally indulgent and disrespectful to break agreements, send mixed messages, arrive late for appointment (or miss them altogether), or be unaccountable.

Several years ago I took the Landmark Forum and Advanced Forum. There I learned how important it is to follow through when I give my word. It is about who I am and how others will see me and whether or not I gain respect and trust from others.

My time is valuable and so is yours.

My tendency has been, like I said, to mother-bear around protection of my time. I feel my time is being imposed on when I end up on the phone trapped in a circular system pressing buttons to get to a live person when I encounter the occasional mishaps around computer glitches, insurance claims or an issue with godaddy.com. Even so, my new growth goal is when I do get the live voice, to be polite and try not to ruin their day.

Thanks for taking your precious time to read this blog. Next time I will talk about space!

Now it is time to play!

Time is the only equal opportunity employer there is.
–Cheyenne Mendel