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    • Contact Candess at candess@candesscampbell.com 509.363.1789

Meditation

June 17, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh, Stepping into Freedom: Rules of Monastic Practice for Novices

The greatest gift I have found to develop a greater intuitive experience is meditation. It was in my meditative experience one morning I was given a specific meditation I now use.

meditation

Many of you already meditate and if you do, that is wonderful! You know the value of creating this time for yourself and the incredible connection you find with your Higher Self and the Divine. For many there is also the experience of connecting and communicating with Angels or Guides.

Many people who have tried meditation and don’t continue often think they are doing it wrong. Let me clarify some of the misconceptions. In meditation, you will not stop thinking. You have a central nervous system and therefore your brain will be thinking. What happens instead is you quiet your thoughts and rather than active thinking, you have what I call passive thinking. This means thoughts will enter and go by, but you just notice and don’t actively follow them. You can then return to your quiet mind.

I have also found people have a hard time quieting their mind when they meditate in the middle of the day or in the evening. I like to meditate first thing in the morning before leaving my bed. This allows me to tap into the wisdom of my subconscious mind and my Higher Self that has guided my dreams. Meditating in the morning also allows me to become filled with the Light of the Divine first thing in the morning!

For those who have not began the practice of meditation, here is a simple way to begin. Here is the meditation I have been given.

Set a timer to begin. This will help you to lengthen the time of your meditation.

As in other meditations, sit with your spine straight. I like to place my hands on my lap with my thumb, index and middle finger touching, facing upward.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and relax and adjust your body as needed.

Image a grounding cord such as a beam of light, a waterfall or a tree trunk going down from the base of your spine to the fiery center of Mother Earth. Release all the stress, tension and foreign energy down from the top of your head, down your face, shoulders, arms, hands, chest, upper and lower back, belly, pelvic area, hips, legs, ankles, and feet down your grounding cord.

Take another breath and bring your attention to above your head, to your crown chakra. Imagine a golden white Light spiraling down through the top of your head and spiraling in your heart. This is the spark of the Divine within you! This spiraling Light will emanate Light throughout your body and a few inches outside your body all around you.

Bring your attention to your third eye, which is between your eyes and a little above. Envision a water-blue color triangle at your third eye. Focus your attention through this triangle. Above your head about eight inches envision a burning ring of fire. This is the Eternal Flame of Isis. I share more about the triangle and the burning ring of fire when I teach intuitive reading.

Now you have the Golden Light Spiral, the Blue Triangle and the Fiery Ring of Fire set, bring your attention to your eyes. With your eyes still closed, move your eyes from right to left back and forth about 12 – 20 times. The pace is about one second for each set of from right to left and back. You can adjust this later to the best pace for yourself. This movement will be like pushing your eyes (with them closed) back and forth.

What you will notice is this takes you into a deeper into a meditative state. This increases with practice. Stop the eye movement and just be. Just notice what you experience. Stay in passive thinking and just experience and notice.

If you find you are thinking and lose the meditative sense, or you begin to come out of meditation, then use the eye movements back and forth to deepen again. This brings you back into a meditative state.

You may need to use the eye movement several times to deepen your meditation and this is fine. This takes practice, but if you commit to every day for a week, with a timer, this can change your life and increase not only your intuition, but your relationship with your Self and the Divine!

An added bonus, this eye movement is also therapeutic. It can assist in healing memories and traumas because moving your eyes from one side to the other activates the two hemispheres of the brain. When you begin your meditation you can set an intention of healing a specific situation, emotion, feeling, or thought.

Originally published in LiveEncounters

Why People Cheat

April 16, 2014 by @candesscampbell

After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.

India 2010 094

 

Having been a professional counselor and intuitive reader for many years, I have been privy to the inside of many relationships, at least through the eyes of my client.

In any relationship, the foundation to having a positive and healthy experience is having good self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value one puts on themselves, how they feel about themselves and a belief of how others perceive them.  Many years ago I attended the second weekend workshop of the Landmark Forum. This workshop is geared to assist the participants in becoming more positive in their lives by having a “break-through” in awareness. You might say it is a 3-day coaching program. Although, for the most part, the participants were successful and generally happy people, at the end of the day, hundreds of participants got up and shared from an exercise they completed the underlying issue behind their difficulties was they did not believe they were either worthy or deserving.

Although this was a small sample of the population, it is challenging for me not to generalize to most people. Given this premise, it would make sense that people who are in committed relationships cheat in order to have an external validation of themselves; of their worth and their value.

happy-103959-m

It would be remiss of me not to also address our human need to love and be loved. As a counselor who has worked with thousands of people, I have to understand one’s ability to express and receive love through the lens of their history, beginning with the birth experience on. Each person is different in their ability and desire for intimacy and need to experience the other person as a source of love.

When I ask others why people cheat some of the the responses are “to boost their self-esteem,” “because they are selfish,” and “because they are not getting certain needs met by their partner.” This issue is clearly not black and white.

When clients come to me for a session, ready to end their marriage or long-term relationship, often I ask them when they first knew this was not working, or not going to work. More often than not, they say, right away, or the first week, sometimes even the first day. One of the main reasons I believe relationships don’t work, is people do not listen to their intuition in the first place. The intensity of the relationship, the pheromones, adrenaline, sexual attraction replaces not only what they think (red flags,) but also their gut feeling, their own intuition.

 couples

Having said that, once committed, Why Do People Cheat?

Aside from low self-esteem, lack of communication is definitely one of the main issues. In the intensity of the initial meeting and connection, everything about the person is great. If not so great, although not true, the belief is where the other is not what you want, they will change. Small disagreements are soon met with make-up sessions of love and passion. The ability to communicate may never be addressed and the he relationship over time may not deepen. Rather than searching for answers (which you can find online, in books and with counselors, ministers and healers) the person reaches for someone who adores them, finds them attractive, or gives them what they want without any need for clear communication.

With the lack of communication also can come control issues. Some of the ways that one control are not allowing their loved one to have the freedom to spend time with their friends, controlling the money, or not allowing their partner to work outside the home. Passive aggressive behavior may take over and one partner will withhold sex, or become withdrawn and depressed. Not all depression is a form of passive aggressiveness, but it can be for some. These control issues can include verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the controlled partner eventually finds solace in the arms of another.

When one looks for validation from others, they may create an intimate relationship outside the for the sole purpose of identity and self-esteem. One may marry because the other person “looks good” and makes them “look good.” This is the concept of the “trophy wife.” Women often marry men who have power or money. This would be a marriage that has the prostitute archetype activated. There is a trade between the partners. In these cases, the agreement of the marriage does not satisfy the need for love or the intense sexuality that they may crave and so they may have a love partner on the side.

This desire for love and sexual satisfaction can also be a reason one will cheat when there is no longer love or affection in the marriage. After years of being together, the couple may grow apart and feel as if they are “married singles.” They long for connection and to feel young and alive and because the marriage seems to be dead, they find a lover or maybe even fall in love with another person. Then they have the decision to stay in the marriage or leave.

When one falls in love or wants to fall in love again, rather than leaving, they may stay married and cheat because of family religious obligations, not wanting to upset the children or other family members, or financial dependency or security. They feel stuck, yet make a decision on values of one sort, and giving up the value of fidelity. Another reason similar to this, is one who cannot stand up for themselves. They keep quiet and live the life they despise. This again can be from low self-esteem and in these cases often become passive aggressive, thus an affair.

In some cases, I have seen where clients have had affairs because they have a spouse who is ill. They stay in the marriage to care for their loved one and may still be very much in love, but they are not able to get emotional needs met. Financial dependency or family expectations may also be involved and rather than being unhappy, they make the decision to fill themselves up with love from another.

One of the most common situations I have seen has been when someone cheats because of revenge. This can be because they were cheated on, or because their partner is just not doing what they want. They justify their behavior because they are not happy and take no responsibility for creating happiness for themselves.

More recently, it has come out into the open that some people who are gay, marry to create a public presence that is acceptable. This has happened in politics and other areas where one would lose a lot to be open about their sexuality. Many people who were gay married and created families before society began to be more open and continued to hide behind the façade and have love lives separate from their marriage.

And finally, and possibly the most common reason people cheat is love addiction. As a counselor, I am most privy to this. Love addiction is a combination of many of these reasons: low self-esteem, need for validation, often alcoholism and/or drug addiction, anger and vengeance and more. Love addiction can be a dangerous cycle of creating relationship, getting hurt, feeling desperate, finding a new lover immediately, and the cycle starts again.

This article has delved into why people cheat. Hopefully, you begin to think outside the box of right and wrong, the black and white perspective and understand that some reasons are clearly destructive, some freeing and healing and in all cases, difficult decisions to make.

 

This article was previously published in Live Encounters magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6969

Marriage – Arranged or Falling in Love?

April 12, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“Our matriarchs had an interesting advantage over today’s western women. Matriarchs didn’t begin their marriage with love. Instead, they were taught how to love. They entered marriage with an earnest determination to grow a love that would sustain their marriage for a lifetime.”                    

― Michael Ben Zehabe, Song of Songs the book for daughters

 

IMG_1785

When an invitation came from a friend of mine to attend his nephew’s wedding in Calcutta, I jumped at the chance. My flight took me from Spokane to Seattle, to Dubai and to Calcutta. What I didn’t know was how much I didn’t know about Hindu weddings.

My friend’s sister, the groom’s mother, picked us up after sunset to take us shopping in preparation for the ceremonies. While my friend sat upfront with the driver, I sat in the back of the relatively new car with his sister. Driver or taxi, it didn’t matter. The streets were full of a cacophony of honking and shouting as we maneuvered around other cars, taxis, motorized rickshaws and cycle rickshaws. Narrowly making it through the pedestrians, motorcycles, bikes and street dogs, I carefully listened to her as she shared it all.

She said that her son was marrying and it was an arranged marriage. She explained that what happens in an arranged marriage is the family signs up on a marriage portal to find a suitable partner for their daughter or son. This is the process she went through for her son, although it may be different in other arranged marriages. Questionnaires were completed online to make the correct match and then profiles of several choices for a possible mate were delivered. In this case, the groom was able to see the profiles and make some choices. The groom’s parents also ordered astrological charts so the astrologer could find who would be harmonious with their son. The parents then met with the young woman. Afterward, they invited the family and the young woman to meet their son. If there was a harmonious connection, the young couple met a few more times to test the compatibility. The next step was planning the marriage.

Bride

Some would scoff at this process and have many reasons to argue against it, saying it wouldn’t work; but statistics say different. According to UNICEF http://www.statisticbrain.com/arranged-marriage-statistics/ (August 16, 2012) the Divorce Rate for Arranged Marriages in India is 1.1 %. The Global Divorce rate for Arranged Marriages is 4 %.

So, could it be that arranged marriage is a more sensible way to pair up for life? What about falling in love? As I listened to the way the couples were paired, it sounded a lot like dating sites to me. Some of the largest dating sites in the US are match.com and eharmony.com. There is a difference though between dating sites and marriage portals. Many people I have talked with and my own experience is that many profiles on the dating sites are either false or exaggerated. In the US, there is even a TV show about this called Catfish. http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/

The screening process for marriage portals is much more complex and those who put up their profile are looking for marriage, not someone to date or with whom to create a sexual relationship. Although I’m not privy to any, there may be dating sites that are reliable and you can trust that the profile is accurate and meeting the person is safe. Agencies that are set up to match couples may be a better choice.

There are many ways of dividing relationships into stages. Here I will use the stages I use when counseling couples. They are the honeymoon phase, the working phase and the commitment phase.

happy-103959-mWith the “falling in love” process, there are stages that may differ from an arranged marriage. This is of course a simplified process, but falling in love begins with the honeymoon phase. You meet someone and you are immediately infatuated with them. You cannot stop thinking about them, love everything about them and find yourself smiling out loud and then embarrassed because you realize you are in public and think others can read your mind. During this stage, your energy increases and you become aroused, and even obsessed with the person to the point your friends get tired of listening to your ravings about him or her.

The next stage of the relationship is the working stage. You begin to notice some things you never observed before or what you did see begins to bother you. Previously, the fact he leaves his clothes all around the room was cute and showed his carefree attitude. Now, it’s irritating that you have to pick up after him. When she used to leave the sink full of toothpaste, it was childlike and playful. Now it is sticky and messy when you are in a hurry to shave and get to work.

couples

This stage is when couples either learn to communicate and work together at being harmonious, or issues begin to tear at the thread of the relationship. The fun, playful guy begins to look like a slob and you wonder what you ever saw in him. The woman you felt proud to share with your friends, all of the sudden becomes controlling and whiny and you can’t wait to get away from her and do something with the guys.

These changes give you the opportunity to either end the relationship or learn to communicate, accept each other and go onto the next stage.

ArchieThe next stage of relationship is a deepening process and you enter into the commitment stage. For many years I have said that when you enter into relationship, it brings up in your personality, all that needs healing and gives you the opportunity for personal growth. This is the gift of relationship. It is also a reason to do your personal development work before you get into relationship. You will attract a person at a similar level or vibrational frequency as you.

At this stage, you begin to understand how to communicate, be compassionate, compromise and stay connected. Even when you feel like responding with “fight or flight,” you stay and work through the problems. This is not to say that you won’t argue, but you will learn to “fight fair.” You also may move away from your partner for an hour or so, but you do this after communicating that you need to think things through and let your partner know when you will return. Most of the time when there is conflict in a relationship, it has to do with a misunderstanding or a resistance you have that is based on ego. Having accepting, loving partners that “hold the space” for each other to process feelings and thoughts, is how the relationship deepens and you grow into the couple you want to be.

Beyond the scope of this article is the question “what are the stages of an arranged marriage?” Having talked to a few men who are in arranged marriages, I found out that after the marriage, they did, in fact, fall in love with their wife and the couples are happy, committed and secure.

This article was previously published in Live Encounters Magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6790

 

The Ugly Duckling

February 6, 2014 by @candesscampbell


“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

November 1843, Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.

The story, as you probably know, is about a baby bird raised by a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.

duckCommon to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded.  We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.

So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.

Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.

What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?

My focus is on Relationship for 2014. Join with me in practicing, “just listening!”

 

Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an international Psychic Medium, Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and has practiced as a mental health and chemical dependency counselor for over 30 years.

You can also find this article in the January issue of Live Encounters Magazine!

 

The Ugly Duckling

January 1, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

November 1843, Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.

The story, as you probably know, is about a baby bird raised by a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.

Common to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded.  We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.

So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.

Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.

What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?

My focus is on Relationship for the New Year. I challenge you in the month of January, and hopefully throughout the year, to practice “just listening.”

Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.

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Candess M. Campbell, PHD.

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