Commitment
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
As stated in the beginning of this year, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment has been to come closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.
The reality is, when you are in relationship, and especially when you create a new intimate relationship, all the unfinished emotional business is right in your face. It reminds me of the “PigPen” character from Charlie Brown, except the dust and dirt is literally right in your face!
You have to learn to set boundaries, compromise, be compassionate, communication clearly, understand yours is not the only perspective and the list is nearly endless.
Even more than that, when you are in an intimate relationship, it is necessary to become vulnerable. Of course, it is best to choose a partner who is safe so you can be vulnerable! Most of us have been hurt in the past. Staying in “present time” with your new love is important. It is not helpful to treat your current partner as if she or he is going to behave like the one who cheated on you, could not communicate at all, or had a slight attachment disorder and played “come here, go away!”
So a few things to think about in your relationships.
1. You will tend to be happier if you don’t fall in love with potential. When you are evaluating your choices around relationship, ask yourself if you would be happy with this person long term, even if she or he did not change anything at all. Most likely other people don’t change just because we want them to.
2. Speak up in the beginning of the relationship and let your needs be known. Many people don’t rock the boat for fear the other person will leave or not like them; especially in the beginning excitement of the relationship. Tell your partner who you are, what you want and be real about it. Too often I see people keep quiet and then either become angry when the other person doesn’t know what they want. They expect the one they love to be a mind reader. Then they either blow up on the outside and become angry and argumentative or on the inside and become ill and/or passive aggressive. If they leave when you communicate, they are not a good fit. You deserve to be loved for who you are.
3. Opposites may attract, but in the long run, if you don’t have the same interests, it is difficult to stay connected. If you are single and looking for a relationship: look in the places that you already go.
4. And lastly, when your relationship is with your family – understand neutrality and amusement. When there is conflict, see your family from a neutral place. It is not helpful to try to change them or get them to see things your way. Who has been able to change you and change how you think by telling you over and over. Be amused at how they choose to live their life and focus back on yourself and create happiness in your own life.
Commitment
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
Relationships may be the most important aspect of your life. This year, my commitment is and has been to bring myself closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.
Truly, I understand with relationships there are so many components. We have to learn to set healthy boundaries, know when to compromise, practice compassion, learn to have clear communication, and to understand it really is all about perspective. The list is nearly endless. Stay tuned as I share with you my process (probably similar to yours,) in the area of relationships.
Often we become inspired by and motivated by the process of others. Join me in exploring and creating healthy relationships.
Commitment
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
As stated in the last blog, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment is to bring myself closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.
Truly, I understand with relationships there are so many components. There is setting boundaries, compromise, compassion, clear communication, perspective and the list is nearly endless. In this 30 day Blog Challenge, I will share with you about my process (probably similar to yours,) in the area of relationships.
Hope you have chosen a word for this year as well. It can be one to focus upon to joyfully bring into your life or to focus upon and create a growth spurt. Music was an expansive word for me in 2013. I welcome Relationships in 2014, to challenge me to grow.
Evaluating your Situation!
Into the New Year, most people have taken a look back and reflected on the past year. Some have made resolutions and some just go forward with hope. Rather than making resolutions, I pick one focus for the year, one word to remember and increase in my life.
One year the word was money and I became more responsible in my spending, saving and earnings. That year I increased my income by 25%. I read money books, brought my attention to my habits and envisioned and created abundance.
Last year my focus was on food. I watched “foody” shows on television and regularly added nutritionally healthy foods to my diet. I drank green smoothies and my body glowed from all the enzymes. I increased my awareness on how foods affect my health (and my mood!)
This year my focus is music. I have a Martin 000M and my plan is to learn to play my guitar, listen to a variety of music throughout the year, attend concerts and experience music as a healing force in my life!
Speaking of a healing force in my life. I just published my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.
The first chapter focuses on Evaluating Your Situation. Whether it is emotional or physical pain, there is always an emotional component. I find that when people tend to focus on the past, they suffer from depression and when they focus on the future, it creates anxiety. On my website candesscampbell.com under Books and Self-Healing Tools you will find self-screening tests. One is for depression and the other for anxiety. If you find that you struggle with either of these, getting professional help is important.
Sometimes you live your life day to day without much self-awareness. It is helpful to look at whether or not you are getting your needs met. William Glasser, MD, a psychiatrist wrote a book called Choice Theory. In the book he talked about people having Four Basic Needs. The needs he lists are for 1) Love & Belonging, 2) Power and Worth, 3) Freedom and 4) Fun. These are beyond your need for survival.
Think about your life and what the main need is in your life. In your journal, write down your main need. Then write down friends and family you spend most of your time with. List some activities you engage in on a regular basis. Are you getting your needs met with these friends, family members and your activities?
For example I list as one of my loved ones, my Cairn Terrior/mix Domingo. The needs I get met by Domingo are Love and Belonging and Fun. When I image an oval shape and think about how full I am from my relationship with Domingo, I see the oval being maybe a third full. This means I need more people and activities to get my Love and Belonging and Fun needs met.
When I first did this exercise I listed out my friends. A few of the friends I spent most of my time with did not meet my needs at all. I found one friend met most of my needs. I realized I leaned too much on one friend and needed to create more relationships in my life where I felt more alive, full, and got my needs met. I also realized I needed to let some friends go. With self-awareness, I saw how drained I became after spending time with some friends.
Try this yourself. You may be amazed at how simple changes in your life can shift your emotional for physical pain!
Also, in evaluating your situation, it is important to look at the interrelatedness between your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You can find a Total Behavior Map here to help you. http://candesscampbell.com/books/self-help-tools/70-2) On this map you can write out in the center what need you want to get met. Write down a situation that has been difficult for you regarding this need. List what you were doing, thinking and feeling. Then write again as if you were thinking something different. If you were thinking ___________, then what would you be doing or feeling?
You are an integrated being of Mind, Body and Spirit. You will notice that when you change your thinking about a situation, your feeling changes as well. You may choose to do something different and immediately your thinking changes and your feeling changes. The key here is you have 100 % control over your doing, 90 % control over your thinking and only 10 % control over your feeling. When you do or think something different – you feel better!
An example is Sarah was waiting for a phone call from Taylor to go out to dinner. (love and belonging and fun) Taylor didn’t call and Sarah thought, “I was stood up.” She started feeling angry and lost energy. Sarah began making up stories in her mind of what happened and worked herself into a frenzy.
An hour later Taylor called and said she was so sorry. She explained that she had witnessed an accident on the freeway and was pulled in by the police to share what she had seen. Taylor said she was so shaken, she didn’t even think about the dinner plans until she calmed down and realized she was hungry. She asked Sarah if she could come over, she needed a friend.
Sarah began to understand (thinking) and she empathized (feeling) with Taylor’s experience. She began cooking (doing) something to share with Taylor and prepared for her friend to arrive.
Can you see how the feelings followed the doing and thinking in this situation? You can write out some situations in your past, some times when you were really upset. Then write out what you could have done or thought differently, identifying how you would feel different.
Use your journal for this exercise and soon you’ll find you can do it quickly in your mind. So much of the emotional pain (which is under the physical pain) is manufactured in your mind. Now, you have a tool to change this!
Another tool is journaling. One situation I share in my book is for several days I found myself having a lot of pain in my shoulders. I left my office and sat down to rest and the pain was extremely disturbing. After about four days of this, I picked up my journal and began writing, “This pain in my shoulders. . .” and continued journaling for 20 minutes. What came up in my writing was a situation with one of my daughters. Once I wrote it out, the pain released immediately and was totally gone. This is a true testimony to how we carry pain in our bodies connected to our emotions!
There is so much more you can find in the book that will help you evaluate where you are and begin to move into self-healing. In February I’ll focus on Finding Your Passion!
12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – UK
12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – US