“It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.”
Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without Counseling – Marko Petkovic
Sarah is with friends at a piano bar in downtown Seattle. A tall, dark, handsome man (really) who is new to the group comes up and begins to converse. They make a great connection talking about similar interests and she is curious. She and her friends catch up sharing about their lives and the music starts. Luca (tall, dark, and handsome) comes up and asks her to dance. She begins to move her hips to the music, but he pulls her to him and twirls her around the dance floor. Her curiosity grows and she wonders, “Who is this man?” As the night goes on, he continues to woo her, dancing and whispering in her ear. She unmistakably tells him she is in a relationship, but this does not stop him from professing her beauty, murmuring he loves her eyes, and when she puts her cheek to his shoulder in a slow dance, chills run down her spine.
She notices her female friends are watching her. Later, they insist he is “a player.” She laughs, knowing this of course, and enjoys his attention anyway. Being comfortable with herself, her sexuality and men, she goes along. The group moves to a nearby Karaoke bar and she and Luca sing “Falling Slowly” together as the dance floor fills with couples.
The night moves on and the group is leaving. She walks out with Mallory, her friend and ride home. Luca follows her out to the car and opens the door, all the while enticing her to let him take her home. She laughs, Mallory roles up the window, and off they go.
The next day her boyfriend Jesse calls and wants to see her. She invites him over and within the first ten minutes he initiates sex by rubbing up against her with a look of anticipation in his eyes.
Whether her previous evening behavior was appropriate or not, having interviewed several women, this scenario with Jesse is not far from the truth for many women. What happened here? The difference between how she was treated by a stranger and the man who loves her was monumental. The sense of being desired, of feeling beautiful, of being prepared for lovemaking did not happen with Jesse.
As a therapist, too often I witness couples that become more like roommates than passionate partners in life. They leave intimacy behind and feel unfulfilled in their relationships or marriages. Sometimes they opt for an affair. Other times they may compromise and shut down their emotions to “go along to get along.” Neither of these choices support the early dreams they envisioned of being in love!
A friend of mine shared that the man she had been dating for several months “doesn’t have a clue” how to connect with her prior to their lovemaking. She said it has been really difficult to be sexual at his beck and call, and sadly, he doesn’t understand the difference between intimacy and sex. She loves him, and although they are sexually active, she is not satisfied.
Of course, not all men neglect the needs of their lovers. The intent of this article is to invite men to bring forward the “player within” and to love their wife or girlfriend as if they first met! Listening, attending to and understanding the desires of your partner can strengthen the fiber or your relationship. There is a powerful connection and bond that happens in relationships when intimacy and sexuality can be enjoyed in a loving, supportive and nurturing environment on a daily basis.
In an interview survey regarding “Before Play” a woman who described herself as having a positive relationship, was asked, “who usually initiates sex and how is it done?” She said he usually initiates. She said “Sex starts early in the day with talk and holding one another. My husband’s “love language” expresses itself with acts of service and physical touch that mean a lot to me. We are both physical so touch is critical: kissing slow, fondling, and being playful with one another. In response to the question “does he prepare you prior to being sexual?” she replied “Yes, he will pick up something nice for dinner or a bottle of wine, etc. He often stays in touch sending texts or calls during the day.”
In the interview process, the theme was the same. The communication, intimacy, and connective feeling prior to intercourse had a substantial effect on their sexual life. It affected not only the quality of the sexual experience, but the frequency of sex as well. When women were fulfilled sexually, they said they were happier in their relationship overall.
So what happens? “How to satisfy a woman” is not a new topic and you can hardly even avoid being educated about the needs of women if you ever read cartoons, watched TV, or overheard conversations at the local pub.
BeforePlay (rather than foreplay) begins hours if not days prior to making love. Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.
What women want!
1. Communication – connect with her prior to lovemaking. A phone call or a sexy text to entice her during the day just may be the key.
2. Connection – knowing that she likes to be kissed and cuddled first or enjoys moving right into hot, passionate lovemaking can heighten the fun. Be present to her.
3. Set the stage – whether you bring wine or flowers, play music, or light candles, stimulate her senses for a intense experience.
So if you are a man who sees himself as potent, vital and ready for love, see your woman as one who deserves to be cherished. Woo her in the manner that she enjoys and begin the process (beforeplay) early in the day and slow it down creating some enticement. Strengthen and deepen your love and experience in the incredible, sacred sexual union. You’ll notice the difference in the quality of your life!
May 2nd: Venus enters Aries.Lady Venus arrives in the aggressive cardinal fire sign of Aries in pursuit of spring romance. As she strolls through each degree of Aries between now and May 28th she will certainly have no shortage of suitors to choose from.
May 7th: Mercury enters Gemini. The messenger planet celebrates a spring homecoming in its own sign of Gemini. The greatest quandary of Mercury in Gemini is who or what to choose and how long might it last until mercurial Mercury becomes bored and decides to move on?
May 14th: Full Moon in Scorpio/Taurus. The annual Wesak Full Moon of Buddha consciousness reaches it zenith at 12:16 pm PDT. Those with planets or chart angles between 20 to 30 degrees in the fixed signs of Scorpio, Taurus, Aquarius, or Leo are likely to experience a completion or change of direction in their lives.
May 19th: Mars turns direct in Libra. Mars steps forward in the sign of Libra for the first time since it retrograded on March 1st. The past eleven weeks in retrograde have served Mars well, as the warrior planet secured its coveted seat in April’s Cardinal Grand Cross.
May 20th: The Sun enters Gemini.The Sun’s arrival in the mutable air sign of Gemini ushers in the final month of this spring season preparing the way for the arrival of summer on the June 21st Solstice.
May 28th: New Moon in Gemini and Venus enters Taurus.Today’s New Moon in Gemini harmonizes with Mars in Libra while activating mystical Neptune in Pisces. Perhaps we will receive some clues as to what the first nine weeks of this spring season represented to each of us as summer approaches. In the meantime, Venus arrives in Taurus returning to earth after a passionate spring fling in the sign of Aries.
May 29th: Mercury enters Cancer. Mercury crosses the finish line of its annual homecoming in Gemini to immerse itself in the foreign oceanic depths of Cancer where it will retrograde on June 7th as it pivots to retrace its steps back to its native sign of Gemini on June 17th. Ambidextrous Mercury thrives on juggling and testing itself with each of the twelve signs, and it will turn on a dime leaving both its team mates and opponents wondering how Mercury was ever admitted to play in the celestial sports court in the first place.