relationship

The Ugly Duckling in the Modern World!

August 20, 2018 by @candesscampbell

“A Belief is just a thought you think over and over again.”

– Abraham-Hicks

The original post was in 2014 and I see that the meaning takes on new life with the political climate at this time and the major planetary changes and clearing that many of us are doing at this time. I’ve made a few changes in the content. Feeling angry, hurt, achy, tired, reactive and having a difficult time adjusting?

You are not alone!

In November 1843, the Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.

The story, as you probably know, is about a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.

Common to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded. We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.

So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.

Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.

What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?

Join me in practicing Listening!

Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.

Chakra Two and Control – Do the Work!

May 16, 2018 by @candesscampbell

This morning in my morning walk I was listening to Caroline Myss’s Energy Anatomy on iTunes. In other writings she refers to the second chakra as the chakra of relationship.

Your second chakra is the sacral chakra associated with sensual movement and with sexuality. The information contained in the second chakra relates to relationship, emotions, intimacy, sexuality, creativity, work and money.

In the audio Myss introduced the second chakra as being about Control. That got my attention. So many of the client issues that come up in my private practice are issues that are housed in the Second Chakra.

Recently I have had some conversations with friends regarding self-reflection and “Doing the Work.” At dinner the other night a friend said, “Maybe they don’t know how do to the work.” This surprised me, but I think he is right. Another friend said that she will answer calls from friends who are in crisis if they also have a counselor and/or health providers who they are working with to heal. This was helpful for me. I realized, although this is oversimplified, people either are in a process of Doing the Work, or they end up in crisis over and over again and reach out in crisis. Once they are over the situation, they go on with their lives until the next crisis. This is exhausting for family, friends and even counselors!

[click_to_tweet tweet=”What it means to Do the Work can be different for different people. ” quote=”What it means to Do the Work can be different for different people. “]

First identify your need for help. Often this shows up when you find you are angry, hurt, or irritated by someone else. It can also be from something that happened in the past that you continue to replay in your mind or feelings. Frustrated you can’t get someone to do something? Focus on yourself!

Here are some ways to Do the Work!

Attend regular counseling sessions
Meditate with a teacher or group where you are guided to develop
Be in a self-help or 12 step group focusing upon your growth
Have a regular journal practice where you use a book that guides you in a process of healing

When you Do the Work you

Process and heal your feelings
Organize your life so you function easily
Gain insight
Learn tools to help with difficult situation

When I was listening to her audio this morning, I was inspired by Caroline Myss’s information on the Second Chakra. Below are her words and her work!

The second chakra contains

your relationship to Power on the one on one level.

Your need to control others.

Your need to control events.

Your need to control period.

You fill in the blank.

It’s your need to control other people, the way things happen, the way people believe.

Now I want you to imagine somebody in your life. Just one person. How many of you can think of one person that you are vitally invested in controlling. Now I want you to imagine why are you so interested in controlling that person. What kind of answer would you give. “Well, that person needs me.” But the truth is what you really are doing is you want to keep that person weak so they need you. You want to keep them weak and damaged and wounded, so they need you. And, that is going to cost you. That will cost you your Spirit.

Now, I’m going to speak Angel to you. This is Angel 101. I’m going to say, what are you doing and you are going to say, “I am investing part of my circuitry with the command, to control that person. I want to influence that person’s thinking process. I want to keep me a vital part of that person’s thinking process. That will cost you a great deal of your energy every day and in every way, you are transmitting a part of your Spirit on mission to infiltrate that person’s energy and likewise I presume there are people equally invested in controlling you. So you are the recipient of energetic information.

I want you to imagine that your body operates; this system operates the way email does. There is no difference. Every time you have a thought about someone you put it in their email box. Email for Energy Mail. This is good. I like this. It’s literally energetic mail. That is exactly what you are doing. I am convinced that the whole form of the tribal creation of these computer databases, all of that is a complete physical metaphor and creation of what I am talking about in terms of the way we work energetically. We have duplicated ourselves in the computer form. So now we need to learn to play by energetic rules.

What I am telling you about is your second chakra connects you to everybody and everything you want to control. How many of you have ever even paid attention to what you want to control or how much you invest in what you want to control. You haven’t even got a clue.

Caroline Myss is talking about becoming aware. That is the first step to Doing the Work.

Other spiritual teachers say the same thing in different ways. Mary Ellen Flora who created the Church of Divine Man teaches that we cannot create in another’s life. If we try to create in someone else’s life, they then have to learn to move us out of their energy field so they can create for themselves.

Abraham Hicks says it’s not helpful to try to change someone. “If they could change, they’d do it themselves.”

Having said all this, if you were to Do the Work, what commitment can you make to yourself?

I like using books and audios to guide me. A few suggestions are these.

Energy Anatomy by Caroline Myss

Live Intuitively: Journal the Wisdom of your Soul by Candess M. Campbell, PhD

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

There are so many ways to move into clearing the past and living fully in the moment! Do the Work!

Learn about Chakras, Meditation and reading your energy field!

Healthy Boundaries for Relationship

September 12, 2017 by @candesscampbell

With the nights getting cooler many are dreaming of leaves transitioning from bright green to yellow and red. You may find yourself pulling in more and beginning to think of nesting. Much of your contact this fall will be time spent with friends on social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You may also connect with friends on Facetime and Skype. Maybe you use your phone and share with friends while you are walking.

As a therapist, I often hear clients say they saw their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend change their status on Facebook from single to being in relationship with . . . They process the response to this very public demonstration of relationship status.

This leads me to think about boundaries. For many years I have created fairly rigid boundaries around myself. Since I am sensitive, this has helped me manage my energy. Being public as a therapist and psychic invites a lot of people into my space.

Recently, I had a visitation from my former husband, Peter Campbell who passed several years ago. He came to me with a powerful message (which I’ll share in another blog) and this opened up my heart. Now, I find myself crying a lot, which has not happened for many years. I find I welcome this opening, but now have to reassess how to shift my boundaries.

I hope this helps in case you want to reassess your boundaries as well. Do you have rigid, collapsed or healthy boundaries? You may want to print this out and talk about it with a friend.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you checked your boyfriend’s Facebook page to see who he contacts? http://bit.ly/2hGeB1D” quote=”Do you check your lover’s phone or Facebook page to see who they connect with?”]

Boundaries

Are you more likely to allow others to cross your boundaries or do you cross others boundaries?

Do you find you get too close to people physically and you see them back away?

Do you find yourself alone in a corner in a group and not reaching out to others?

The way you set your boundaries changes over time and also in different situations and dependent upon how you feel at the time. This is a general guideline you can use.

Collapsed Boundaries can be identified by:

Sharing too much personal information too soon.
Saying yes when you want to say no for fear of rejection.
Doing anything to avoid conflict.
Having a high tolerance for abuse.

Rigid Boundaries can be identified by:

Saying no to a request if it will involve close interaction.
Staying so busy you don’t take time for intimate relationships.
Being unable to identify you own feelings, wants or needs.
Making little self-disclosure and holding people at a distance.

Healthy Boundaries can be identified by:

Having the ability to say yes and to say no.
Being able to hear no from others and seek other resources to get your needs met.
You reveal information about yourself gradually and self-disclose appropriately.
You have relationships with shared responsibility for the relationship without blaming.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you have a karmic relationship? https://energymedicinedna.com/intuitive-readings/” quote=”Do you have karma with your partner? Do you share a past life?”]

Contact Candess for a Psychic Reading!

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Resolving Conflict

September 6, 2017 by @candesscampbell

“Sure it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them.” Blanche “Some things you forgive, some things you never forgive.” Kate

– from Brighton Beach Memoirs by Neil Simon

Our current planetary conflict is a great backdrop for me to expound on how to resolve conflict and the pitfalls of communication. With all the floods and fires on our coveted planet and in our politics, I thought this would be a timely topic.

Here are some helpful steps.

Clear with this person on an energetic level.

Ground your energy. Here is a video that will teach you to do this. http://bit.ly/wBHJbh
You have an aura around you which is part of your energetic self. Imagine pulling your aura in around your body. Pull it in about 6 – 8 inches around you.
Focus in your heart and bring your attention out of the top of your head into the heavens.
Image the person there with you. At this level, send them love from your heart. You may also imagine sending them golden white Light from your heart.
If you can do this without anger or negative feelings, talk with them at this level.
Come back down, image yourself filling up with golden white Light and release any leftover energy down your grounding cord.

Steps to resolve conflict in person.

Write out the situation in your journal and then re-read it the next day. Sometimes it helps to do this a few times, so that you can become clear on what happened and what you want to communicate.

Become aware of your own part of the situation, even if you perceive it to be minor in comparison to the other person.

If you are angry, look at where you may be feeling hurt or fearful. These emotions are often right under the surface of anger. Feel your feeling and let them go. Journal them over and over if need be.

Contact the person you are having conflict with and use clear, direct, honest communication. I suggest you meet in person (not via text or email) because this allows you not only to read the body language, but also to open your heart.

Give the other person the chance to communicate their side completely. It is helpful to use the words, “I heard you say,” and repeat back to them what you heard and let them clarify. This helps them to feel heard. You can hear what someone is saying without agreeing with them. It is important that you hear.

Once the other person feels heard, share your side. They may not listen well and you may not feel heard. If that is the case use the broken record method. Continue to say the core message again and again, “I hear what you say, and ______.” Yes, that is true, and _______.” Do this until they are able to understand they are not hearing you.

Make a request of the person such as “My request is we put this behind us and go on from here,” or “My request is that we continue to meet and talk weekly until we can resolve this.” You can use whatever it is that you desire.

Trust your intuition, and use as many of these steps as you would like. If the person is not willing to meet with you or clear the situation with you, then move on and let it go. No longer allow them into your energy field and set healthy boundaries.

Sometimes people have a hard time clearing conflict because of negative communication patterns. Often these reactions were learned in early childhood as a survival response to a dysfunctional family. In this case they may triangle in other people to take sides, or become passive aggressive and rather than talking with you directly, they will be passive in their aggression in a subversive manner.

More will be shared about this in this communication series.

One of the books I recommend for healthy communication is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

You can find other valuable information in my Self-Help Toolbox!

Share your own tools in resolving conflict in your life.

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Your Thick Skull!

August 23, 2017 by @candesscampbell

I think it was when I ran into Kerouac and Burroughs – when I was 17 – that I realized I was talking through an empty skull . . . I wasn’t thinking my own thoughts or saying my own thoughts. Allen Ginsberg

“I can’t get it through your thick skull,” a character on a TV show says. What does it mean? Being a writer, I often listen for sayings and I wonder where they came from.

Have you ever talked with someone and shared with her as clearly as you can, and then she responded with something that had nothing to do with what you said?

Communication can be difficult when your head is full of your own thoughts. You are stuck in your own perspective and you can’t seem to find room for how anyone else sees the world.

What happens for all of us is we tend to defend ourselves by taking a stand on something. We see it our way, and close down our minds to other possibilities. In part, this can be a survival tool; to not become so sensitive to all that is happening around, and to just focus on our task.

In relationship though, this can be frustrating and derisive.

[clickToTweet tweet=”In relationship it is important to see each other’s point of view! ” quote=”Have you ever heard two people sharing with each other and you could see both sides, but they could not see the other’s point at all?”]

You may have seen old 1970’s TV rerun episode of All in the Family, with Archie and Edith Bunker. In this episode, they were discussing politics. Archie was irate when he found out Edith had voted for the opposing candidate from Archie’s. All he could see was his vote didn’t count. She had cancelled it out. They went round and round and he could not understand her vote had nothing to do with his. He would never understand this of course.

We all have this tendency to have a “thick skull” at times. Being a reader, I love seeing the world from other people’s perspective, especially other cultures.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Connection with others is so much better when we see situations from the other person’s perspective. ” quote=”Connection with others would be so much better if we all tried to see situations from the other person’s perspective. “]

This can be done in the privacy of your own mind. You don’t have to give up your position. Once you do practice seeing the other point of view though, it becomes easier.

You don’t have to agree with the opposing view, but being open to hearing it and understanding why one would see it that way helps strengthen relationship.

Three of my Favorite Books that share a different life perspective from my own.

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

The Poisonwood Bible is a story told by the wife and four daughters of Nathan Price, a fierce, evangelical Baptist who takes his family and mission to the Belgian Congo in 1959. They carry with them everything they believe they will need from home, but soon find that all of it — from garden seeds to Scripture — is calamitously transformed on African soil. What follows is a suspenseful epic of one family’s tragic undoing and remarkable reconstruction over the course of three decades in postcolonial Africa.

Credit – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7244.The_Poisonwood_Bible?ac=1&from_search=true

Stones from the River by Ursula Hegi

From the highly acclaimed, award-winning author of Floating in My Mother’s Palm comes a stunning novel about ordinary people living in extraordinary times.

Trudi Montag is a Zwerg—a dwarf—short, undesirable, different, the voice of anyone who has ever tried to fit in. Eventually she learns that being different is a secret that all humans share—from her mother who flees into madness, to her friend Georg whose parents pretend he’s a girl, to the Jews Trudy harbors in her cellar.

Ursula Hegi brings us a timeless and unforgettable story in Trudi and a small town, weaving together a profound tapestry of emotional power, humanity, and truth.

Credit – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/77163.Stones_from_the_River?ac=1&from_search=true

Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese

An unforgettable journey into one man’s remarkable life, and an epic story about the power, intimacy, and curious beauty of the work of healing others set in 1960s & 1970s Ethiopia and 1980s America.

Marion and Shiva Stone are twin brothers born of a secret union between a beautiful Indian nun and a brash British surgeon at a mission hospital in Addis Ababa. Orphaned by their mother’s death in childbirth and their father’s disappearance, bound together by a preternatural connection and a shared fascination with medicine, the twins come of age as Ethiopia hovers on the brink of revolution. Yet it will be love, not politics—their passion for the same woman—that will tear them apart and force Marion, fresh out of medical school, to flee his homeland. He makes his way to America, finding refuge in his work as an intern at an underfunded, overcrowded New York City hospital. When the past catches up to him—nearly destroying him—Marion must entrust his life to the two men he thought he trusted least in the world: the surgeon father who abandoned him and the brother who betrayed him.

Credit – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3591262-cutting-for-stone?ac=1&from_search=true

Enjoy!

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Response to an Angry Facebook Post

May 10, 2016 by @candesscampbell

The behavior of angering at someone is rarely effective. Whether you raise your voice, yell, call names or threaten; it’s really not helpful. What happens is people learn to avoid you or to get back at you by being passive aggressive.

Your feelings of anger are real, but anger is a secondary emotion. Anger covers up feelings of pain or fear. When you feel angry, before you start angering out at someone, ask yourself these questions. What am I afraid of? What hurts? Communicating with others directly about your fears and your pain can open the door for a better relationship.

When communicating, people often say, “I feel” when they really meant “I think.” For instance, you may say “I felt attacked when you said such and such.” What you’re really saying is, “You attacked me.” Another way of saying that might be, “I felt scared,” “I felt paralyzed,” or “I felt hurt when you said such and such.”

It’s really difficult communicating with someone who is unwilling to explore the underlying issues in a relationship. If you find yourself wanting to keep busy and distract yourself rather than dealing with the issue or the relationship, the feelings you’re avoiding become buried. Feelings buried alive staying alive. What happens then is those feelings later surface around a similar issue, generally in an explosive reaction. That’s what it means to become triggered.

I was motivated to write this blog after reading a FaceBook post from a man who was angry and calling another person names because of their political view. That is a big issue here in the US right now. I was curious about this man, so I looked at his profile. He listed his profession as a sports coach to high school students. My immediate thought was do parents know that this person is acting as a coach and mentor to their children?

Feelings of anger are normal. If you are often reactive in an anger manner, it’s rare that you would be able to fix this on your own. Therapy can be really helpful and give you an opportunity to vent in a safe place and not at the person you’re angry with. You can learn some coping tools so you don’t damage your relationships. You may also even heal the underlying pain or make changes to clear the fear.

What is really important, especially now that bullying is so prevalent, is we teach our children how to communicate, not by what we say to them but by what they witness us saying and doing to others. Therapy is a luxury that you can’t afford not to give yourself if your anger tears at the fabric of your relationships.