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Can She even Hear Herself?

by @candesscampbell

 

What I did next was so impulsive and dangerous I should’ve been named ADHD poster child of the year.

 Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

Have you ever listened to a friend and thought “Can she even hear herself?”  We all have patterns of communication, and behavior for that matter, we don’t notice.

I remember one day my daughter said to me, “Mom, you’ve said that before, several times.” Many of you know when I was 14 years old I had an accident that resulted in a Near Death Experience (NDE) with head injuries. As a result of this I have experienced some memory problems. Another result of this trauma was I lost my sense of smell, which also influences memory. A positive from the accident is a definite increase in my intuition. When my brain was injured, my intuitive self took over and now much of how I access information is intuitively.

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Unless we continually challenge our brain, we can develop memory lapses. Since my daughter’s comment, I have been working on being aware and not repeating myself. Repeating can happen for reasons other than memory problems and brain injury. When one has a history of not being heard, not being listened to by others, they can develop a pattern of repeating. Saying the same thing over and over again can also come from a lack of self-awareness.  It can also be an ineffective way of trying to heal an emotional wound.  You may say the same thing over and over but nothing changes. It would be more effective to change your behavior by accepting a situation or changing your relationship with the problem; forgiving, leaving, setting boundaries and such. Saying the same thing over and over can also be a sign of ADD.

Have you ever had a conversation with a friend, loved one or a co-worker who often repeated the same thing and didn’t focus. Someone with whom you tried to create a plan, but politely getting them to pay attention, listen and commit to a time was near impossible? Instead they just kept telling you all the situations that went on in their day and you were not able to set a meeting.

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So, how to do you communicate with friends, loved ones and co-workers that are ADD or have ADD 
symptoms?

Listed here are some of the Inattentive Symptoms of ADD; not the Hyperactive Symptoms. This may help you to identify why you’ve had some difficulty communicating with someone. It can clarify why you may have felt frustrated and hopefully will give you some helpful communication solutions for yourself.

Inattentive ADD Symptoms

  • Careless mistakes/lack of attention to details

  • Lack of sustained attention

  • Poor listener

  • Failure to follow through on tasks

  • Poor organization

  • Forgetful in daily activities

  • Avoiding tasks requiring sustained mental effort

  • Losing things

  • Easily distracted

Depending upon how close you are to this person, you may want to research more about ADD and continue to learn.
Here are some simple ideas that may help.

  • Use emails as your primary form of communication to set up meetings. This way you can scan the email quickly for the details about the meeting.

  • Start your conversation with, “I have one minute to plan this meeting.”

  • When the person becomes tangential, politely bring them back to topic. “Oh, I’m sorry, I
have to go, when did you say you could meet?”

  • Give the person 3 clear choices of times.

  • Be willing to set a boundary.

  • If the person won’t be decisive, realize the meeting may not happen and move on.

  • Plan your communication with the person when you have enough time to go through the
process to get the meeting planned.

  • Have a plan B for your time so if their disorganization creates a last minute cancelation, it
won’t disrupt your life.

These are some ideas that may be helpful. Again, if this is someone you live with or a supervisor, I encourage you to find more information on this topic. One book you may be interested in What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?: Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder by Michele Novotni, PhD

How do you deal with ADD in your own life or with people in your life who show symptoms of inattentive ADD?

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Before Play . . . What Women Want!

by @candesscampbell

“It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.”

Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without Counseling – Marko Petkovic

Sarah is with friends at a piano bar in downtown Seattle. A tall, dark, handsome man (really) who is new to the group comes up and begins to converse. They make a great connection talking about similar interests and she is curious. She and her friends catch up sharing about their lives and the music starts. Luca (tall, dark, and handsome) comes up and asks her to dance. She begins to move her hips to the music, but he pulls her to him and twirls her around the dance floor. Her curiosity grows and she wonders, “Who is this man?” As the night goes on, he continues to woo her, dancing and whispering in her ear. She unmistakably tells him she is in a relationship, but this does not stop him from professing her beauty, murmuring he loves her eyes, and when she puts her cheek to his shoulder in a slow dance, chills run down her spine.

She notices her female friends are watching her. Later, they insist he is “a player.” She laughs, knowing this of course, and enjoys his attention anyway. Being comfortable with herself, her sexuality and men, she goes along. The group moves to a nearby Karaoke bar and she and Luca sing “Falling Slowly” together as the dance floor fills with couples.

The night moves on and the group is leaving. She walks out with Mallory, her friend and ride home. Luca follows her out to the car and opens the door, all the while enticing her to let him take her home. She laughs, Mallory roles up the window, and off they go.

The next day her boyfriend Jesse calls and wants to see her. She invites him over and within the first ten minutes he initiates sex by rubbing up against her with a look of anticipation in his eyes.

Whether her previous evening behavior was appropriate or not, having interviewed several women, this scenario with Jesse is not far from the truth for many women. What happened here? The difference between how she was treated by a stranger and the man who loves her was monumental. The sense of being desired, of feeling beautiful, of being prepared for lovemaking did not happen with Jesse.

As a therapist, too often I witness couples that become more like roommates than passionate partners in life. They leave intimacy behind and feel unfulfilled in their relationships or marriages. Sometimes they opt for an affair. Other times they may compromise and shut down their emotions to “go along to get along.” Neither of these choices support the early dreams they envisioned of being in love!

A friend of mine shared that the man she had been dating for several months “doesn’t have a clue” how to connect with her prior to their lovemaking. She said it has been really difficult to be sexual at his beck and call, and sadly, he doesn’t understand the difference between intimacy and sex. She loves him, and although they are sexually active, she is not satisfied.

Of course, not all men neglect the needs of their lovers. The intent of this article is to invite men to bring forward the “player within” and to love their wife or girlfriend as if they first met! Listening, attending to and understanding the desires of your partner can strengthen the fiber or your relationship. There is a powerful connection and bond that happens in relationships when intimacy and sexuality can be enjoyed in a loving, supportive and nurturing environment on a daily basis.

In an interview survey regarding “Before Play” a woman who described herself as having a positive relationship, was asked, “who usually initiates sex and how is it done?” She said he usually initiates. She said “Sex starts early in the day with talk and holding one another. My husband’s “love language” expresses itself with acts of service and physical touch that mean a lot to me. We are both physical so touch is critical: kissing slow, fondling, and being playful with one another. In response to the question “does he prepare you prior to being sexual?” she replied “Yes, he will pick up something nice for dinner or a bottle of wine, etc. He often stays in touch sending texts or calls during the day.”

In the interview process, the theme was the same. The communication, intimacy, and connective feeling prior to intercourse had a substantial effect on their sexual life. It affected not only the quality of the sexual experience, but the frequency of sex as well. When women were fulfilled sexually, they said they were happier in their relationship overall.

So what happens? “How to satisfy a woman” is not a new topic and you can hardly even avoid being educated about the needs of women if you ever read cartoons, watched TV, or overheard conversations at the local pub.

BeforePlay (rather than foreplay) begins hours if not days prior to making love. Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.

What women want!

1. Communication – connect with her prior to lovemaking. A phone call or a sexy text to entice her during the day just may be the key.

2. Connection – knowing that she likes to be kissed and cuddled first or enjoys moving right into hot, passionate lovemaking can heighten the fun. Be present to her.

3. Set the stage – whether you bring wine or flowers, play music, or light candles, stimulate her senses for a intense experience.

So if you are a man who sees himself as potent, vital and ready for love, see your woman as one who deserves to be cherished. Woo her in the manner that she enjoys and begin the process (beforeplay) early in the day and slow it down creating some enticement. Strengthen and deepen your love and experience in the incredible, sacred sexual union. You’ll notice the difference in the quality of your life!

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an Author, Blogger, Intuitive Success Coach and International Psychic Medium.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine.  

August 2014 Astrology Forecast

by @candesscampbell

Grand_Cross_by_CaptainJuu

StillwatersAstro.com

August 10th: Super Full Moon in Aquarius/Leo.  Each of the three Full Moons this summer season are classified as “Super Full Moons” in close perigee to the Earth. The Full Moon on August 10th will peak at 18 degrees of longitude in the sign of Aquarius. Those with planets or chart angles near 18 degrees in the fixed signs of Aquarius, Taurus, Leo, and Scorpio will experience noticeable shifts on or near the date of this month’s Super Full Moon.

 August 12th:  Venus enters Leo.  The arrival of Venus in Leo marks the peak of the annual Leo solar cycle with the Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter all in the sign of Leo for the next three days before Mercury moves on to the sign of Virgo.

 August 15th:  Mercury enters Virgo.  The planet Mercury serves as a harbinger in preparation for the final month of summer represented by the Virgo solar cycle which begins on August 22nd this year at 9:46 pm PDT.

 August 22nd: Sun enters Virgo. The Sun’s entry in the sign of Virgo signals the final month of summer before the autumn season begins on September 22nd this year when the Sun steps into the sign of Libra.

 August 25th: New Moon in Virgo. The final New Moon of the summer season at 2 degrees 19 minutes in the sign of Virgo initiates the return to work, campuses, and classrooms after an adventurous and recreational Leo solar cycle. Today’s New Moon in Virgo coincides with a powerful conjunction between Mars and Saturn in Scorpio in an intense relationship with Venus in the sign of Leo…powerful winds of change are in the air during these last weeks of summer.

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Thanks to Lee for this great Forecast. You can also contact him for guidance in your life through your own personal chart. He has supported me in my work for many years. I especially enjoy getting reports for romantic and business relationships!

StillwatersAstro.com

Sexual Compromise

by @candesscampbell

Communication between couples has evolved over the last decade. Often they actually negotiate their sexual desires with each other. Whether or not they come to a mutual conclusion is another story. Even television commercials poke fun at the difference in men and women’s libido and their desire for sex. Of course this is a general perspective and definitely there are women who are poking at their men too.

The scope of this article relates to committed relationships. Casual sexual relationships have a whole different dynamic that won’t be explored here. So let’s take an example.

 3It was an incredible night. Brandon and Emma celebrated their seven-year anniversary at Alinea, a modern Chicago restaurant with excellent reviews. Having had a busy week, they planned a quite evening together. As a law professor at Loyola, Emma worked long hours and at varied times during the week. Brandon traveled as an international broker and this left them juggling for relaxed time together.

After a delicious meal of king crab and scallops, with fine white wine, they walked along the lakefront in Lincoln Park, reflecting back on when they met. The first time in many years, they reminisced about their combined dreams. The night was perfect. The streets were unusually quiet as they visited a couple galleries and enjoyed the city lights. 

In the cab ride home they sat quietly enjoying the smell and the warmth of each other’s bodies. Emma felt content as she noticed they were breathing together as one. Once home, already having had a couple drinks, they moved directly into the bedroom. Intimacy had given way to work for the last few months, and they were finally at ease. They crawled into bed and she looked at him adoringly as she kissed him. She thanked him profusely for the wonderful evening. He began to kiss her passionately and his hands began to explore her curves. His expectation and hers collided.

She – had a wonderful night, hadn’t been intimate with him for a long time, has been stressed and busy at work, wants to close her eyes and experience the sensations of being in love and cuddle.

He – finally had time with his wife. Has not had sex with her for weeks. Planned this evening so they could finally be sexual again. Did all the right moves as far as planning goes and is ready to “finish the deal.”

Sound familiar?  We could change the names, city, careers, circumstances just like a fill in the blanks puzzle, but overall, internationally, the results are the same.

So, who compromises in the sexual arena and at what cost?  Her need and desire is for closeness, commitment, security and love. He desire is for a woman, Emma, who will be there for him, being sexual when he wants her to be, to share activities and the convenience of love.

She responds to romance and sexuality when there is ambiance, connection, closeness and communication. Brandon focuses on his virility and what I refer to as his “puffing peacock” stance. History between Brandon and Emma around negotiating intercourse has shown him this is a precarious time, so he is aware of not triggering any reactions from her.

Nevertheless, whether or not the evening ends with the couple joyfully entangled or not – who’s to know? Maybe you can relate.

Who is responsible for ones sexual expression, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure? This case was not so extreme, but what would you do if you were in a committed relationship or marriage and your partner/spouse continually said no?  Is it your moral and religious obligation to stay; to stay faithful and live the rest of your life without being sexual with your wife or husband?

If you are a woman who is sexually unresponsive or non-orgasmic, either due to lack of physical desire (possibly hormonal,) illness, or having a husband who goes straight to the sexual act with no ability or understanding how to engage you and fire your desire; what do you do?

At what point do women add having sex to their list along with doing the laundry, picking up groceries and attending their daughter’s dance recital? When I was in India recently, I sat at the breakfast table before my friend completed his yogic breathing. I had tea and checked my email. Every morning I heard what sounded like a woman having an orgasm. I was with my friend’s family and I didn’t speak Bengali and they didn’t speak English. They didn’t seem to notice, but, nevertheless, I felt embarrassed. I shared this with my friend when he joined me and he said, oh, no, Indian women don’t make noise. Really I asked. He assured me this was true and said she must be praying.

Well, I didn’t buy it! Later we continued our conversation, which lead to American woman being passionate and vocally expressive. I explained this was also a validation to their lover. This discussion of course was destined to end up talking about “faking it.” He had not even conceived of any such behavior by women and ultimately in my need to be right, I searched youtube on my Mac Air and found the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally.  (link here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hY7_CNuEQY

My friend was astonished and definitely humored by this funny scene. Then, the sound I had been hearing every morning began and I begged, “listen, listen there it is.” He looked at me with surprise and said, “she is praying.” Okay, he was right.

Right or wrong, I believe every sexual relationship has compromise. The hope would be that each person takes his or her share of compromise, but more often it is one person who gives in.  What is the cost?  Resentment, lack of true intimacy, aggression, depression, marital prostitution; I could go on. Most likely the couples separate at least emotionally, if not physically. Whether an affair ensues or not, there is an unspoken agreement, and they live as roommates, or what I call, married singles.

Delving so deeply into this topic, I yearn for a solution; so here it is.  To men I ask that you understand that foreplay is not rubbing up against a woman, telling her about how great you are, or beginning to kiss and fondle her with the expectation of sex. If you don’t have a satisfying pattern of sexuality, or if your intimacy is routine and stagnant, please understand.  For most women, foreplay begins at least anywhere from 12 – 72 hours prior to intercourse. Women are sensual and emotional beings. Engage their senses. Get to know your woman. Does she like her back rubbed with scented oil, to have you whisper in her ear or kiss the back of her neck? Is she responsive to the vibe of a candle or burning fire, to jewelry or flowers? Does she become stimulated by a romantic and succulent meal or a night on the town? These behaviors begin long before the sexual encounter.

To women who love men whose sexual desire overrides yours, please speak up. Men in general are not nearly as complicated as you might think. Communication is absolute, and generally women must take the lead in this area. Communicate, even when it is difficult and you keep hitting roadblocks. When you are together and sexuality is not the immediate issue, take some time to share what you like. Share whether it is better for you when you advance toward him with intimacy, or when he moves toward you with desire. Let him know what is stimulating for you and what sets the mood. Men in general love to please women! Give him the roadmap so both of you can enjoy the journey.

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine where Candess is a monthly contributor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Commitment

by @candesscampbell

“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

As stated in the beginning of this year, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment has been to come closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.

pigpenThe reality is, when you are in relationship, and especially when you create a new intimate relationship, all the unfinished emotional business is right in your face. It reminds me of the “PigPen” character from Charlie Brown, except the dust and dirt is literally right in your face!

 

You have to learn to set boundaries, compromise, be compassionate, communication clearly, understand yours is not the only perspective and the list is nearly endless.

Even more than that, when you are in an intimate relationship, it is necessary to become vulnerable. Of course, it is best to choose a partner who is safe so you can be vulnerable! Most of us have been hurt in the past. Staying in “present time” with your new love is important. It is not helpful to treat your current partner as if she or he is going to behave like the one who cheated on you, could not communicate at all, or had a slight attachment disorder and played “come here, go away!”

So a few things to think about in your relationships.

1. You will tend to be happier if you don’t fall in love with potential. When you are evaluating your choices around relationship, ask yourself if you would be happy with this person long term, even if she or he did not change anything at all. Most likely other people don’t change just because we want them to.

2. Speak up in the beginning of the relationship and let your needs be known. Many people don’t rock the boat for fear the other person will leave or not like them; especially in the beginning excitement of the relationship. Tell your partner who you are, what you want and be real about it. Too often I see people keep quiet and then either become angry when the other person doesn’t know what they want. They expect the one they love to be a mind reader. Then they either blow up on the outside and become angry and argumentative or on the inside and become ill and/or passive aggressive. If they leave when you communicate, they are not a good fit. You deserve to be loved for who you are.

3. Opposites may attract, but in the long run, if you don’t have the same interests, it is difficult to stay connected. If you are single and looking for a relationship: look in the places that you already go.

4. And lastly, when your relationship is with your family – understand neutrality and amusement. When there is conflict, see your family from a neutral place. It is not helpful to try to change them or get them to see things your way. Who has been able to change you and change how you think by telling you over and over. Be amused at how they choose to live their life and focus back on yourself and create happiness in your own life.

Commitment

by @candesscampbell

“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

Relationships may be the most important aspect of your life. This year, my commitment is and has been to bring myself closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.

Truly, I understand with relationships there are so many components. We have to learn to set healthy boundaries, know when to compromise, practice compassion, learn to have clear communication, and to understand it really is all about perspective. The list is nearly endless. Stay tuned as I share with you my process (probably similar to yours,) in the area of relationships.

Often we become inspired by and motivated by the process of others. Join me in exploring and creating healthy relationships.