“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind”
Caroline Myss
Yesterday I shared information about the Saboteur Archetype and asked you to journal about your own Saboteur. I committed to doing this myself to find out what was underneath my over-caffeinating behavior on the drive to Sisters, Oregon.
What an incredible experience it was. I sat at my friend…
Why People Cheat
After attending a wedding in Kolkata last month and exploring arranged marriages and the low rate of divorce in India, it made me think more about divorce, and specifically, why people cheat.
Having been a professional counselor and intuitive reader for many years, I have been privy to the inside of many relationships, at least through the eyes of my client.
In any relationship, the foundation to having a positive and healthy experience is having good self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value one puts on themselves, how they feel about themselves and a belief of how others perceive them. Many years ago I attended the second weekend workshop of the Landmark Forum. This workshop is geared to assist the participants in becoming more positive in their lives by having a “break-through” in awareness. You might say it is a 3-day coaching program. Although, for the most part, the participants were successful and generally happy people, at the end of the day, hundreds of participants got up and shared from an exercise they completed the underlying issue behind their difficulties was they did not believe they were either worthy or deserving.
Although this was a small sample of the population, it is challenging for me not to generalize to most people. Given this premise, it would make sense that people who are in committed relationships cheat in order to have an external validation of themselves; of their worth and their value.
It would be remiss of me not to also address our human need to love and be loved. As a counselor who has worked with thousands of people, I have to understand one’s ability to express and receive love through the lens of their history, beginning with the birth experience on. Each person is different in their ability and desire for intimacy and need to experience the other person as a source of love.
When I ask others why people cheat some of the the responses are “to boost their self-esteem,” “because they are selfish,” and “because they are not getting certain needs met by their partner.” This issue is clearly not black and white.
When clients come to me for a session, ready to end their marriage or long-term relationship, often I ask them when they first knew this was not working, or not going to work. More often than not, they say, right away, or the first week, sometimes even the first day. One of the main reasons I believe relationships don’t work, is people do not listen to their intuition in the first place. The intensity of the relationship, the pheromones, adrenaline, sexual attraction replaces not only what they think (red flags,) but also their gut feeling, their own intuition.
Having said that, once committed, Why Do People Cheat?
Aside from low self-esteem, lack of communication is definitely one of the main issues. In the intensity of the initial meeting and connection, everything about the person is great. If not so great, although not true, the belief is where the other is not what you want, they will change. Small disagreements are soon met with make-up sessions of love and passion. The ability to communicate may never be addressed and the he relationship over time may not deepen. Rather than searching for answers (which you can find online, in books and with counselors, ministers and healers) the person reaches for someone who adores them, finds them attractive, or gives them what they want without any need for clear communication.
With the lack of communication also can come control issues. Some of the ways that one control are not allowing their loved one to have the freedom to spend time with their friends, controlling the money, or not allowing their partner to work outside the home. Passive aggressive behavior may take over and one partner will withhold sex, or become withdrawn and depressed. Not all depression is a form of passive aggressiveness, but it can be for some. These control issues can include verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the controlled partner eventually finds solace in the arms of another.
When one looks for validation from others, they may create an intimate relationship outside the for the sole purpose of identity and self-esteem. One may marry because the other person “looks good” and makes them “look good.” This is the concept of the “trophy wife.” Women often marry men who have power or money. This would be a marriage that has the prostitute archetype activated. There is a trade between the partners. In these cases, the agreement of the marriage does not satisfy the need for love or the intense sexuality that they may crave and so they may have a love partner on the side.
This desire for love and sexual satisfaction can also be a reason one will cheat when there is no longer love or affection in the marriage. After years of being together, the couple may grow apart and feel as if they are “married singles.” They long for connection and to feel young and alive and because the marriage seems to be dead, they find a lover or maybe even fall in love with another person. Then they have the decision to stay in the marriage or leave.
When one falls in love or wants to fall in love again, rather than leaving, they may stay married and cheat because of family religious obligations, not wanting to upset the children or other family members, or financial dependency or security. They feel stuck, yet make a decision on values of one sort, and giving up the value of fidelity. Another reason similar to this, is one who cannot stand up for themselves. They keep quiet and live the life they despise. This again can be from low self-esteem and in these cases often become passive aggressive, thus an affair.
In some cases, I have seen where clients have had affairs because they have a spouse who is ill. They stay in the marriage to care for their loved one and may still be very much in love, but they are not able to get emotional needs met. Financial dependency or family expectations may also be involved and rather than being unhappy, they make the decision to fill themselves up with love from another.
One of the most common situations I have seen has been when someone cheats because of revenge. This can be because they were cheated on, or because their partner is just not doing what they want. They justify their behavior because they are not happy and take no responsibility for creating happiness for themselves.
More recently, it has come out into the open that some people who are gay, marry to create a public presence that is acceptable. This has happened in politics and other areas where one would lose a lot to be open about their sexuality. Many people who were gay married and created families before society began to be more open and continued to hide behind the façade and have love lives separate from their marriage.
And finally, and possibly the most common reason people cheat is love addiction. As a counselor, I am most privy to this. Love addiction is a combination of many of these reasons: low self-esteem, need for validation, often alcoholism and/or drug addiction, anger and vengeance and more. Love addiction can be a dangerous cycle of creating relationship, getting hurt, feeling desperate, finding a new lover immediately, and the cycle starts again.
This article has delved into why people cheat. Hopefully, you begin to think outside the box of right and wrong, the black and white perspective and understand that some reasons are clearly destructive, some freeing and healing and in all cases, difficult decisions to make.
This article was previously published in Live Encounters magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6969
The Ugly Duckling
“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
November 1843, Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.
The story, as you probably know, is about a baby bird raised by a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.
Common to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded. We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.
So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.
Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.
What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?
My focus is on Relationship for 2014. Join with me in practicing, “just listening!”
Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.
Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an international Psychic Medium, Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and has practiced as a mental health and chemical dependency counselor for over 30 years.
You can also find this article in the January issue of Live Encounters Magazine!
Listen before it’s Too Late!
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
It is an enlightening view, sitting in my chair in my office as a mental health counselor. I am honored to sit with clients as they share about their lives and their relationships. In this process, I see themes unfold.
We have ended the year and are into the New Year. As I look ahead at new beginnings, it reminds me of one of the most common themes. When working with couples, I notice that, for most, by the time they enter my office, it’s too late.
Too often one of them attempted continually to communicate with the other, without being heard. Sadly, I watch their last attempt to keep the marriage together. The partner, let’s say the man, who has not really heard, but has listened as if she was nagging or on a rampage over something, finally understands. It is too late now for him to realize that what she was saying was important. So important, that the marriage is now over. I see him groveling and trying to make sense of it all. In the safety of another person (me) she says, “I’m sorry, but it is just too late.”
Many of us have ended relationships before the New Year. I remember myself, many years ago, sitting outside Nordstroms, having coffee with my lover on December 29th. I said, “I am sorry, but it’s over.” This was difficult to say and it was painful. I had felt though, that what I said over and over, didn’t matter and I was “pushing the river,” in order to create a change for us. It didn’t work. Once I was honest and ended the relationship; although painful, it was also exhilarating.
When I am with clients and they are suffering over a relationship, I often ask, “when did you first know this was not the right situation for you?” More than I would like to hear, they say, “in the beginning.” If not, they knew years before they decided to make a change.
Whether it be a love relationship, a work relationship or a family situation, “when you begin to lose your voice, your self-esteem, your sense of personal power; it is time to make some kind of a shift.”
The Ugly Duckling
“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
November 1843, Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.
The story, as you probably know, is about a baby bird raised by a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.
Common to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded. We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.
So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.
Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.
What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?
My focus is on Relationship for the New Year. I challenge you in the month of January, and hopefully throughout the year, to practice “just listening.”
Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.
Amusement and Neutrality – A true holiday gift!
As much as the holidays are times of gratitude, giving and getting together with our loved ones; I have been a therapist too long not to know, they can also be stressful.
When you are with your family and friends for holiday gatherings, and especially when you are not usually spending this amount of time with them, the rules of behavior change.
I spend a lot of time teaching about setting healthy internal and external boundaries. For instance, having a good internal boundary and not over-disclosing, especially with people you just met, is a good idea. Setting boundaries with those who are inappropriate, mean, rude or hurtful is also important.
In the case of the holidays though, when you are together with a group (even family) that you are not around much, sometimes rather than setting a boundary it may be better to be neutral.
The reason I say this is the holidays are a time to be harmonious, grateful, share a meal together, and exchange gifts. It is also the time to celebrate in the way that you choose, depending upon your religious and spiritual beliefs.
Setting boundaries are important and come from high self-esteem. Setting boundaries in front of a group though, during a holiday gathering, can make everyone uncomfortable. We have all seen sit-coms where the holiday dinner explodes in chaos and accusations. Even with all the humor, if the television show mirrors your family; it can be awkward for everyone.
Rather than having a witness or an audience to your dilemma with someone, it may be better to communicate with the person in private at another time. So rather than reacting to the one person who “ruins it for everyone,” you may want to try this.
This is a neutrality/amusement practice that I teach in my meditation class called The Center of the Head. The more you practice this now, the easier it is to do when you are in the middle of a situation and need to choose to react or detach.
Close your eyes and take a big breath from deep in your belly. Bring your attention to the center of your head. This is behind your eyes and up a bit and between your ears. This is your own sacred space. Now open your eyes and notice the difference when you look out from this place. Close your eyes again and bring yourself into the center of your head. From this place, now with your eyes closed and later with them open, when you look out, you can see other people and situations from a place of neutrality. It is like watching a movie.
What others are doing does not have to affect you personally. It is just one scene in the entire film. You can look at what is happening around you with amusement. Think about how it is others are behaving and see the amusement in it all. Say to yourself, “this is an interesting way to do that.” It may not be how you would do it, but you see them with neutrality and amusement.
So, when you are with others around the holidays, when needed, bring yourself into the center of your head. Look out at the people and situations and as you are involved with them, practice being neutral and being amused. You always have this sacred place within yourself and you do not have to be involved with others when they cross your boundaries, or the boundaries of others. If someone brings up an old “story” that may be thrown at you in a prickly way, you can just remain neutral and be amused. You can wonder why it is they continue to stay stuck in the past, and just watch with amusement. You do not have to affect change or correct anyone this holiday season. You can just take time to be loving, gifting and care for yourself by practicing neutrality and amusement. This may be the best gift of the holiday!
Amusement and Neutrality – A true holiday gift! was originally published on Energy Medicine DNA