Self-Healing – Page 3

Marriage – Arranged or Falling in Love?

April 12, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“Our matriarchs had an interesting advantage over today’s western women. Matriarchs didn’t begin their marriage with love. Instead, they were taught how to love. They entered marriage with an earnest determination to grow a love that would sustain their marriage for a lifetime.”

― Michael Ben Zehabe, Song of Songs the book for daughters

When an invitation came from a friend of mine to attend his nephew’s wedding in Calcutta, I jumped at the chance. My flight took me from Spokane to Seattle, to Dubai and to Calcutta. What I didn’t know was how much I didn’t know about Hindu weddings.

My friend’s sister, the groom’s mother, picked us up after sunset to take us shopping in preparation for the ceremonies. While my friend sat upfront with the driver, I sat in the back of the relatively new car with his sister. Driver or taxi, it didn’t matter. The streets were full of a cacophony of honking and shouting as we maneuvered around other cars, taxis, motorized rickshaws and cycle rickshaws. Narrowly making it through the pedestrians, motorcycles, bikes and street dogs, I carefully listened to her as she shared it all.

She said that her son was marrying and it was an arranged marriage. She explained that what happens in an arranged marriage is the family signs up on a marriage portal to find a suitable partner for their daughter or son. This is the process she went through for her son, although it may be different in other arranged marriages. Questionnaires were completed online to make the correct match and then profiles of several choices for a possible mate were delivered. In this case, the groom was able to see the profiles and make some choices. The groom’s parents also ordered astrological charts so the astrologer could find who would be harmonious with their son. The parents then met with the young woman. Afterward, they invited the family and the young woman to meet their son. If there was a harmonious connection, the young couple met a few more times to test the compatibility. The next step was planning the marriage.

Some would scoff at this process and have many reasons to argue against it, saying it wouldn’t work; but statistics say different. According to UNICEF http://www.statisticbrain.com/arranged-marriage-statistics/ (August 16, 2012) the Divorce Rate for Arranged Marriages in India is 1.1 %. The Global Divorce rate for Arranged Marriages is 4 %.

So, could it be that arranged marriage is a more sensible way to pair up for life? What about falling in love? As I listened to the way the couples were paired, it sounded a lot like dating sites to me. Some of the largest dating sites in the US are match.com and eharmony.com. There is a difference though between dating sites and marriage portals. Many people I have talked with and my own experience is that many profiles on the dating sites are either false or exaggerated. In the US, there is even a TV show about this called Catfish. http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/

The screening process for marriage portals is much more complex and those who put up their profile are looking for marriage, not someone to date or with whom to create a sexual relationship. Although I’m not privy to any, there may be dating sites that are reliable and you can trust that the profile is accurate and meeting the person is safe. Agencies that are set up to match couples may be a better choice.

There are many ways of dividing relationships into stages. Here I will use the stages I use when counseling couples. They are the honeymoon phase, the working phase and the commitment phase.

With the “falling in love” process, there are stages that may differ from an arranged marriage. This is of course a simplified process, but falling in love begins with the honeymoon phase. You meet someone and you are immediately infatuated with them. You cannot stop thinking about them, love everything about them and find yourself smiling out loud and then embarrassed because you realize you are in public and think others can read your mind. During this stage, your energy increases and you become aroused, and even obsessed with the person to the point your friends get tired of listening to your ravings about him or her.

The next stage of the relationship is the working stage. You begin to notice some things you never observed before or what you did see begins to bother you. Previously, the fact he leaves his clothes all around the room was cute and showed his carefree attitude. Now, it’s irritating that you have to pick up after him. When she used to leave the sink full of toothpaste, it was childlike and playful. Now it is sticky and messy when you are in a hurry to shave and get to work.

This stage is when couples either learn to communicate and work together at being harmonious, or issues begin to tear at the thread of the relationship. The fun, playful guy begins to look like a slob and you wonder what you ever saw in him. The woman you felt proud to share with your friends, all of the sudden becomes controlling and whiny and you can’t wait to get away from her and do something with the guys.

These changes give you the opportunity to either end the relationship or learn to communicate, accept each other and go onto the next stage.

The next stage of relationship is a deepening process and you enter into the commitment stage. For many years I have said that when you enter into relationship, it brings up in your personality, all that needs healing and gives you the opportunity for personal growth. This is the gift of relationship. It is also a reason to do your personal development work before you get into relationship. You will attract a person at a similar level or vibrational frequency as you.

At this stage, you begin to understand how to communicate, be compassionate, compromise and stay connected. Even when you feel like responding with “fight or flight,” you stay and work through the problems. This is not to say that you won’t argue, but you will learn to “fight fair.” You also may move away from your partner for an hour or so, but you do this after communicating that you need to think things through and let your partner know when you will return. Most of the time when there is conflict in a relationship, it has to do with a misunderstanding or a resistance you have that is based on ego. Having accepting, loving partners that “hold the space” for each other to process feelings and thoughts, is how the relationship deepens and you grow into the couple you want to be.

Beyond the scope of this article is the question “what are the stages of an arranged marriage?” Having talked to a few men who are in arranged marriages, I found out that after the marriage, they did, in fact, fall in love with their wife and the couples are happy, committed and secure.

This article was previously published in Live Encounters Magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6790

The Ugly Duckling

February 6, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

November 1843, Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling was published in Copenhagen, Denmark. This amazing fairy tale has been read and re-read by adults and children alike, all over the world.

The story, as you probably know, is about a baby bird raised by a mother duck in a flock of other ducklings. The bird was teased and bullied unmercifully throughout his life, because he looked different and behaved differently. As an adult, the bird sought out and joined a flock of swans finding them to be beautiful birds. Although he expected the same abuse, the swans were open to his joining with them and they accept him. One day this ugly duck saw his reflection in the water and realized he was not an ugly duck at all, but really was a beautiful swan. He found his flock and fit right in. He was transformed.

Common to all of us is the desire to be heard, seen and understood. Many of us can relate to this archetypal story of not fitting in and finding ourselves teased, attacked or excluded. We continued to look for and hoped to find “our people”, our flock or our tribe. In the journey of doing so, we often changed our opinions or beliefs. Sometimes we gave up our voice and became silent, all in an attempt to fit in.

So often I hear someone telling another person what “the truth” is and insist on what they “should” be doing or thinking. Communication becomes about what is right or wrong. Opinions become polarized and those who do not agree with either the loudest voice or the group voice can be intimidated, shamed or alienated.

Over the years, the precious beliefs developed as young people get lost in the mass of voices and one’s self-esteem takes a hit. So often when working with clients, the undercurrent of their situation is a feeling of being unworthy or undeserving. How others have treated them guides their beliefs about themselves.

What would happen if, instead of stating your opinion and telling someone what you think, you asked the person to explain more about what they were saying? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how your relationships change if you went into conversations with the sole purpose of understanding their point of view. How would your posture change if you were there just to receive, to just hear the story?

My focus is on Relationship for 2014. Join with me in practicing, “just listening!”

Now, there will be times to share your opinion and have debates of course, and to enjoy the fun and creativity of a dispute, but let’s change it up a bit. Think about a few people in your life that are important to you. Make a conscious choice to have a couple conversations with them where you just “hold the space” for their musings, for their sharing, for how they see the world. Experience them deeply. Look into their eyes and be present to them. Give them the gift of being heard, seen, and understood. Bring them into your fold and see them as the swan they truly are. Allow your loved ones to be transformed by the incredible generosity of your listening.

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an international Psychic Medium, Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and has practiced as a mental health and chemical dependency counselor for over 30 years.

You can also find this article in the January issue of Live Encounters Magazine!

Commitment

January 2, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

As stated in the last blog, my word for 2014 is Relationships. This year, my commitment is to bring myself closer into relationship with those I love and care for. It also means becoming aware of the relationships that have been dysfunctional and stressful and if possible to ease out of these relationships, making more time to deepen my relationship with myself and with others.

Truly, I understand with relationships there are so many components. There is setting boundaries, compromise, compassion, clear communication, perspective and the list is nearly endless. In this 30 day Blog Challenge, I will share with you about my process (probably similar to yours,) in the area of relationships.

Hope you have chosen a word for this year as well. It can be one to focus upon to joyfully bring into your life or to focus upon and create a growth spurt. Music was an expansive word for me in 2013. I welcome Relationships in 2014, to challenge me to grow.

The Ugly Duckling

January 1, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

My focus is on Relationship for the New Year. I challenge you in the month of January, and hopefully throughout the year, to practice “just listening.”

Reduce your Stress and your Pain!

October 30, 2013 by @candesscampbell

Just a note that on November 5 only, when you buy 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine on Amazon.com, you have the opportunity to receive valuable gifts, worth hundreds of dollars, just by buying 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. You will receive Powerful Personal Enrichment videos with Dr. Brian Weiss, Money Mojo Now videos with Mary Shakun, Universal Principles of Thriving with Dr. Kim, Pain Relief with Sound Healing ebook from Charles Lightwalker, tele-courses, coaching sessions and so much more! (just email me your receipt!)

Many people think about stress as being specific to negative happenings in their lives, but stress actually occurs from both negative and positive situations. In fact, your energy system picks up a great amount of stress without you even being aware. What’s wonderful, however, is that your body is amazing at moving back into balance.

You may remember a time when something happened suddenly and unexpectedly, and you immediately went into a heightened state of awareness. Your body is set up with a protective mechanism toward “fight” or “flight.” This reaction creates an outpouring of adrenaline and other hormones into your blood stream, which produces a number of protective changes in your body. This flood provides you with the energy and strength to either fight or flee from the situation. Here, your heart rate increases, allowing more blood flow to your muscles, brain, and heart. Your breathing also increases to a faster pace in order to take in more oxygen, and your muscles tense in preparation for action. You become mentally alert, and your senses become more aware so that you can assess the situation and act quickly. In addition to this, your blood sugar, fats, and cholesterol increase for extra energy. There is a rise in your platelets and blood clotting ability, which prevents hemorrhaging in case of injury.

Most of the time though, you don’t have this fight-or-flight response. Instead, there is a steady stream of stressors that increase and decrease as the day goes on. You become accustomed to the stress and then see it as normal, and all the while it is taking a toll on your body. You may find you compare yourself to others and then think that you don’t have it so bad, or that your stress is worse than others, which creates more stress.

If this makes you wonder about your own stress level I have provided you with the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. It is a standard test developed initially in 1967 by two psychiatrists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. This test was published as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS). Using Life Change Units (LCU), they were able to correlate the relationship between stress and illness in participants. In 1970, Rahe implemented another test, which assessed the reliability of the stress scale as a predictor of illness. Take a moment to evaluate your stress level with this Life Event Stress scale.

http://candesscampbell.com/books/self-help-toolbox

Having taken the stress test, you may be surprised by the results. If you find you do not have many of the stressors listed but still struggle with stress, understand that although we share a human experience, we all experience life differently.

In addition to understanding what stresses you, you may also experience physical symptoms of stress such as increased heart rate, pounding heart, elevated blood pressure, sweaty palms, headache, trembling, twitching, stuttering, sleep disturbances, fatigue, shallow breathing, dry mouth, cold hands, itching, being easily startled, chronic pain, susceptibility to illness, and tightness in the chest, neck, jaw, and back muscles.

Emotional signs and symptoms of stress include irritability, angry outbursts, hostility, depression, jealousy, restlessness, withdrawal, anxiousness, diminished initiative, hyper-vigilance, feeling that things are not real, lack of interest in things you used to enjoy, crying outbursts, being critical of others, self-deprecation, nightmares, impatience, lack of hope, narrowed focus, obsessive rumination, lack of self-esteem, insomnia, and either overeating or loss of appetite.

In addition to taking the Holmes and Rahe Stress test mentioned earlier, before you make changes, figure out on a scale from 1–10 how stressed you feel in your life. Do this with 1 being little or no stress, 5 being a medium level of stress (or being stressed about half the time during the week), and 10 being a high level of stress (or being stressed daily). Make a note of your stress score in your journal so you can test yourself again after using some of the tools outlined for you.

Ways in which you can reduce stress:

Compartmentalize your life—focus on one thing at a time.
Set realistic goals and break projects down into manageable pieces.
Know your limits and prioritize.
Eat healthy and avoid sugary snacks.
Decrease or alleviate caffeine altogether.
Move your body.
Get enough sleep—7 or 8 hours a night is recommended.
Decrease or alleviate alcohol altogether.
Get massage or receive healthy touch.
Become a non-smoker.
Practice relaxation.
Share with friends.
Journal.
Create play in your life!
Listen to your body and your emotions.

This is just a beginning for you to start reducing stress in your life. Often when you change your behaviors, you do not notice a difference at first. You may want to put this list on the refrigerator or a mirror and practice for six months to see how your life changes. Then assess your stress level on a scale from 1–10 again and see how much you have improved.

You know your body more than anyone else. Taking an inventory of yourself can be life changing!

A short video that teaches you to ground your energy and relax is at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWajD6Upuiw. You can do this daily to teach your body to relax.

Click here to find more information about 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.

Previously published in Live Encounters Magazine June 2013

How to Choose a Psychic Healer

September 15, 2013 by @candesscampbell

Where ever you look today you see the words psychic, intuitive and healer. For those of us who have been providing these services for many years, it is so exciting that, once alienated and thought “weird,” we are now moving into the mainstream.

The downside of this though, is anyone can say they are a psychic, an intuitive and a healer. This whole subject is double edged for me. On one hand, I believe and teach that we are all intuitive and all have healing ability. The other side though, is that just because we are intuitive and have healing ability does not make us a psychic, an intuitive or a healer.

It is rare to find someone who immediately has these abilities or has the abilities without training and practice.

Kyoto- If I can lift the rock my wish comes true!

Today we have so many tools like tarot cards, medicine cards and such, and these are fun to use to get bits and pieces of information. To be a professional card reader though, to be in integrity and to charge for these readings, it can take years of practice.

[clickToTweet tweet=”How to Choose a Psychic Healer!” quote=”Integrity, Compassion and Healthy Boundaries are important traits of a Psychic Healer. “]

So how do you know who to trust and who is just putting out a self- proclaimed shield without backing? You have a right to know about the person you hire and who you let work in your energy field or read you psychically. If they don’t charge you, be even more careful because those of us who are highly skilled, usually charge.

Here are some guidelines.

Find out where they received their training. What school did they attend, what classes did they take, and are they certified? Do they have supervision? Most who are legitimate in these fields will be able to tell you, and proudly. Now, many of the spiritual healing and intuitive modalities are not accredited like medical schools or counseling programs, but the practitioner should be able to tell you where they learned their skills, what programs they took, or, with Reiki, the lineage of their teachers.
Have them share with you how long they have been doing this work. Their response to the question may be more important than how long they practiced. If they are not clear about this, that may be a red flag.
Make sure you work with someone who can be open and honest with you about what they do. If they cannot explain what they do, you may want to go to someone who has a definite skill and can back it up.
Find out if they get continuing education in their practice. The value of seeing professionals such as licensed counselors and physicians is they are required to have continuing education and stay up on what is happening in their field. See if your practitioner is doing the same. This includes a clear understanding of setting boundaries (their own and with clients) and the ethics of working with clients.

Whether you want to hire a psychic, an intuitive or a healer or you are a psychic, intuitive, or healer, it is important to know that not all people are trained and skilled appropriately. If you don’t trust the person you are seeing, find someone else. If you are uncertain about your own skills, get more training. You will feel better about yourself and attract more clients.

Here are a couple examples of why you want to make sure you are seeing the right person.

You want to receive a service from someone who understands more than you do about working with people. For instance, let’s say you are a person who believes everything you hear. You go to a psychic and she says you will lose your job in 3 months. You return to work and begin (subconsciously) to create the situation where you end up losing your job.

Now, if you are what we call highly programmable (believe everything you hear from the psychic) rather than discerning the information through your own filter, this can happen. A skilled psychic would be able to see this about you and speak with you in a way that you would receive the information you needed, but not leave her office and sabotage your job. An untrained psychic or intuitive may not understand programmability and may send you on your way to self-destruct.

It is important to see someone who does the emotional, mental, and spiritual work themselves. If not, they may have the tendency to “project” onto you some of what they are working on. An example from my own life is, when I was ill several years ago, unknowingly struggling with adrenal fatigue, I went to a local woman for a reading. She had two decks of cards. One had a border and then a cut out for another card and they together made one picture.

The outer border I picked was a picture of a barn. The inner picture was of a shovel. I was really ill, having no energy and could barely think at the time. She asked me to tell her what it meant. I couldn’t figure it out. She was impatient with me and said “it means your are supposed to pick up the shovel and get to work!” Well, not long afterward I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue (which I write about in my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.) Shortly after that all I could do was rest. I could manage one client a day and that was it. Hindsight is, the card meant to put the shovel down and stop working, but the judgment I received from her was I was not doing enough. I also had felt I didn’t do enough which is why I had driven myself to such a physical state.

Had I known how to pick the right person to help me, the situation would have been much different. What happens though, is when we are at the bottom and reaching out for help, sometimes we just reach out anywhere. As you read this now, hoping your life is healthy and balanced, research the people you would choose for your psychic and your healer. Then when you need them, you will have confidence in your choice!

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