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Match a Master!

by @candesscampbell

I am realistic – I expect miracles.

Wayne W. Dyer

When I was taking classes in Meditation and Healing at the Church of the Divine Man many years ago, they taught about “matching” other people’s energy. An example is, if you are around someone who is angry, you may match him or her and become angry. When you are around someone peaceful, you can match him or her and become peaceful. I have been teaching this in my counseling practice for years and helped clients understand they can change how they feel by becoming aware and making choices.

I remember reading a study in one of my books (which I will find to update this blog) that had three plants. One plant was the control and the plant was watered without any variables. The second plant was watered with water that was held by someone very happy and positive for a period of time. The third plant was watered with water that was held for a period of time by someone who was clinically depressed. Of course, the result was the plant watered by the person who was happy and positve  grew the most. The plant watered by the person who was depressed had stunted growth. The control plant grew somewhere in the middle of the others.

Quantum physics has taught us that everything is energy, including humans, and it makes sense we affect each other in subtle and powerful ways.  When I feel blue, a little grumpy, I will put on a CD by someone like Wayne Dyer to raise my mood, to shift my energy. Conversely, when I binge on old country music from my childhood, such as listening to Sunday Morning Coming Down by Kris Kristofferson (whose work I love), I have to pick myself up off the floor!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTJiW_7S2Dk

What inspired me to write this blog today, a re-write from a former blog is I had a conversation with someone yesterday who is thinking of putting his 15 year old in a residential program for mental illness. The child has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which is treatable and fairly rare. I know this child and it became clear to me that this particular sensitive child would not do well there. The facility has many children who are depressed, and believe me, my heart goes out to them. Putting a child who is not depressed though, one with an anxiety disorder and who is sensitive is not the right move. The child will match the other’s energy and may come out of this long term care program worse than going in.

Whenever you have a situation that you don’t know how to handle, becoming educated is so helpful. I will write another time about OCD, but if you know someone with this disorder, I highly recommend Loving Someone with OCD: Help for you and your Family.

What you can do when you want to get energized when you are feeling low is to find those who you admire or vibrate at a higher level than you do. You will know this by how you feel when you are around them. For instance, sometimes I will watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. When she interviews leaders in spirituality such as Eckhart Tolle or Marianne Williamson, I cannot help but feel more peaceful and hopeful. It is a passive way of shifting how you think and feel. You can match their energy!

My focus in my work for years has been to empower others to access their Essence. My teaching are to assist them to access their own intuition and to realize who they truly are and to manifest their dreams in their lives.  You too can match others who lift and elevate you and stay connected to powerful, manifesting energy.

Please take some time to think about who energizes you.

Who helps you become your better Self? Who leads the way and makes it easier for you to excel and manifest your dreams? Think about who it is that drains your energy and leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes we can’t change who we are around, but we can use those who are motivating and inspiring to bring us back into balance.

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Sexual Addiction!

by @candesscampbell


“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” 
― Hunter S. Thompson

 

Sexual addiction! What is it? With the accessibility of stimulation through the Internet and mobile phones, there is a lot more exposure to the issue of sexual addiction. In my private practice as a mental health and addictions counselor, more and more clients are showing up who need help from this addiction. Actually it is usually the partner of the addict that is either reaching out for help or giving the addict an ultimatum – get help or else. Whether it be prostitution, pornography or chronic masturbation, it can wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of those they love.  In response to this, the treatment community has begun to use sexual addiction assessments along with alcohol and drug assessments.

Working as a chemical dependency counselor at a Federal prison camp in the mid-1990s, during the “war on drugs,” we began assessing for childhood sexual abuse and past sexual abuse. Nearly all of the female clients had been sexually abused. Some of the men said yes, but I suspect even with the promise of confidentially, they did not admit to this. Many who have been abused don’t remember, but issues show up later in their relationships.

Most of my clients who were diagnosed as sex addicts had been women and men who had a history of past sexual abuse and at some level attempted to find balance and healing, but instead found themselves in relationships where they became sexually addicted and often exploited. Some went on to be sex offenders. One example is a past client I counseled. He had been abused by his older brother and then went on to sexually abuse his nephew.

A leader in the field of Sexual Addition treatment is Douglas Weiss, PhD. This article summarizes the 6 Types of Sexual Addicts, a model he developed, which became the standard used to certify Sexual Recovery Therapists by the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy.

 

Six Types of Sexual Addicts

1. Biological Sexual Addict

Weiss states this is the most common sex addict. Basically the behavior is “ring the bell, feed the dog, ring the bell, feed the dog” like Pavlov’s conditioning. What happens is during orgasm; the endorphins that are released create an attachment to what is happening at the time. So whether this is a real or imaged person, the chemical release in the brain creates a bond. These endorphins, “almost four times as strong as morphine,” are the highest chemical reward the brain can come by, legally. Therefore, “your brain literally glues to, hungers for, craves, and wants to repeat that activity again.”

Weiss states that the Biological Sex Addict probably represents less than 15% of all sexual addicts, and is the baseline of all the sexual addictions. Most also have components of the other five types.

In my own counseling practice, many of my female clients who have a history of sexual abuse fall for his type of addict. They become the sexual object for them.

2. Psychological Sexual Addict 

This person is often the one who has experienced emotional or physical abuse in his life. Due to the lack of love, touch, or security, as a child he sets up a fantasy life. This sense of neglect can carry on into adulthood and when his needs sare not met at home, he creates a fantasy world where he feels adored, worshiped, and desired. This is the man who fantasizes he is the best, the biggest, the greatest, etc. If he has been dominated in his life he may fantasize as being the one who is dominating.

In his psychological fantasy, he feels sexually powerful, loved and wanted. In his imagination, he doesn’t have to deal with real women who may say no, ask him for commitment, ask for help with the housework or ask for emotional intimacy. Once this fantasy is paired with the powerful chemical endorphins, he is hooked.

3. Spiritual Based Sexual Addict

Similar to the psychological sexual addict, this addict is looking for a connection. There is a strong desire for a spiritual connection. They look to find it within their sexual addiction. In this case, once they have a spiritual experience through a religious encounter, an experience with Jesus or another guide or Guru, the sexual addiction stops. “Their sexual addiction just plain stops, because that’s where the origin of the ache or the need was for the individual.” These people rarely get help within the clinical community.

4. Trauma Based Sexual Addict

The trauma based sexual addict is the client I have most experience with. In this case, he or she has experienced sexual trauma, most likely as a child or adolescent. These clients go on to mirror their trauma in their relationships. For example a young girl who was sexually abused by an older uncle may end up in relationship after relationship with older men. She may despise herself for this, but continue the behavior and recreate the shame. A woman who has been physically abused in conjunction with a sexual trauma may act out being abused in the sexual act in order to be satisfied and make attempt after attempt to find the right partner, shaming herself all the way. She becomes a sexual addict that is also the sexual object of another addict.

5. Intimacy Anorexic

Although a separate issue from sexual addiction, Weiss states intimacy anorexia affects around 29% of sex addicts. Generally, the anorexic behavior is related to “sex addiction, sexual trauma, neglect in the family and cross gender attachment disorder.” There also may be related to other co-occurring disorders. Weiss describes intimacy anorexia as when a “spouse intentionally withholds emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.” They may control through silence, anger, or withholding money. They blame their spouse, withhold love, tend to be critical, and are unwilling to talk about their feelings. This is a difficult situation for the addict because as they are working on their own recovery, whether it be abstaining from prostitutes, masturbation, or pornography, they also need to learn to move toward their spouse or partner and re-create a healthy relationship. They have to learn to feel and communicate their feelings.

 6. Mood Disorder

Sexual addicts who also have a mood disorder are another type of sex addict. Weiss shared about clients who were bipolar or had cyclothymic disorder and were medicating the imbalance neurologically through the ejaculation response. Until the medication was adjusted properly, they continued to relapse.

When you hear the term sexual addict, it may conjure up an image of someone being sexual, playful and having fun. The truth is the very opposite. Although the sexual thoughts and behavior may start that way, as in any addiction, the person loses control and their life spirals downward. Sexual addicts generally have low self-esteem and believe no one will love them as they are. They lack emotional intimacy and are continually pre-occupied with sex and sexual fantasies. They feel out of control and experience mood swings. They are filled with feelings of guilt and shame.

You may wonder, how sexual addiction is different from normal sexual behavior.

Weiss explains, “in a normal situation, a person is having sex inside a relationship context. He/she is gluing to the person, the eyes, and the soul of the person he/she is being sexual with.” This is different than having the object of sexual fulfillment being images that do not respond. Addiction creates lack of control, shame, and self-loathing and destroys relationships.

 As with all addictions, recovery is a one-day at a time process. Interventions and treatment planning is different for each specific person. Most often when one is treated for sexual addition, the chances of recovery are better when their spouse or partner is involved.

 In addition to treatment centers like the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where Dr. Weiss is the Executive Director, there are also 12 Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. https://saa-recovery.org/ There are several other similar programs that provide help.

 The Six Types of Sexual Addicts information came from a written interview of Dr. Weiss by Barbara Alexander and my email communication with him.

 Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and the author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery (Discovery Press, 2008).

 Heart to Heart Counseling Center 719-278-3708

heart2heart@xc.org.  Website www.sexaddict.com. 

This article was originally published In Live Encounters Magazine! 

Response to Racism

by @candesscampbell

This is a response to last week’s blog which I emailed to my subscribers. I received several comments back and this one, from Dennis Thomas I find important to share.  I agree with him completely and he said it much better than I could have! 

Hello Candess,

I have always enjoyed listening to you or reading some of your work and I am ever grateful that you offer this to me on a regular basis. This message you sent made me pause and consider as I too was raised in a family with a “racist” father as well as two grandfathers that were active members of the KKK and very proud of it. I too went through a time when I needed to make a choice; whether to continue with their stories or to create my own in regards to race and separation. I chose to create my own path, although it alienated some of my family, and moved me towards a better understanding of acceptance. At least that is what I believed.

Now over the many years of observing and watching the goings on of the world, I have moved into a belief that for us to find the Oneness that you mentioned we must not only understand it (clarity) but also experience it (liberation). When we changed our story, which we both chose to do, we decided that racism was bad and non-racism was good. Just a story change, nothing more. When we examined that part of our fathers that we believed was incorrect (racist) and needed healing, we did nothing more than judge one belief over another; my story is more aligned with Truth than my father’s. I am more evolved, more enlightened. In time even that seemed insufficient. I then believed that neither one was wrong. I believed that if I backed away from the “out there” experiences as a silent witness then my state of “awareness” was my actual self and I could see that all of those experiences that were creating happiness or suffering were nothing more than an illusion. I had moved from an actor in the illusion to a being in awareness of the illusion.

A lot of spiritual seekers stop at this point and become observers, believing that all is an illusion (no-thing) and tell themselves that their pain and suffering is not real, yet at the time, it seems real. But the one who has experienced Oneness moves deeper into the Truth and realizes that everything is real and not real at the same time. No-thing, appearing as everything, returning to no-thing. He knows that he is part of everything and everything is part of him; racism, no-racism, terror, pain, suffering, joy, kindness, compassion and so on. All the same stuff, all Truth. No bad, no good, just Being expressing Itself as Being.

We might use the ocean as a metaphor. We are all of the ocean and the individual waves as part of that ocean seem to express a differentiation that leads us towards an idea of separation. Some of the waves might appear as angry and crash into the surf with harsh expression and some of the waves move with the rhythms of the cosmos; in harmony and peace. We want to judge the angry waves as conflicting and disruptive while we accept the others that are more in alignment with our beliefs. But, to find Oneness we must find that part of our Being that knows that all of the waves are nothing more than the ocean itself in its perfection, expressing itself as itself. We must find ourselves in the racist and non-racist, the act of racism, the emotions that evolve from racism and all of the space in between. And, when we find ourselves in all things then we will truly experience Oneness.

I will end this note with a piece from Jeff Foster’s book, The Deepest Acceptance. “The true end of suffering come from the recognition of this total intimacy with life itself- in other words, the deep acceptance of “everything” appearing in experience. In this deep acceptance, mind and heart are one. Nothing is everything; they are never two separate things. Mental clarity and certainty give way to deep acceptance of this moment. And there, the war ends.”

Have a great day, Dennis Thomas, DVM

Wasn’t that great!  My deepest gratitude to Dennis!

Candess

Amusement and Neutrality – A true holiday gift!

by @candesscampbell

As much as the holidays are times of gratitude, giving and getting together with our loved ones; I have been a therapist too long not to know, they can also be stressful.

When you are with your family and friends for holiday gatherings, and especially when you are not usually spending this amount of time with them, the rules of behavior change.

I spend a lot of time teaching about setting healthy internal and external boundaries. For instance, having a good internal boundary and not over-disclosing, especially with people you just met, is a good idea. Setting boundaries with those who are inappropriate, mean, rude or hurtful is also important.

In the case of the holidays though, when you are together with a group (even family) that you are not around much, sometimes rather than setting a boundary it may be better to be neutral.

holiday

The reason I say this is the holidays are a time to be harmonious, grateful, share a meal together, and exchange gifts. It is also the time to celebrate in the way that you choose, depending upon your religious and spiritual beliefs.

Setting boundaries are important and come from high self-esteem. Setting boundaries in front of a group though, during a holiday gathering, can make everyone uncomfortable. We have all seen sit-coms where the holiday dinner explodes in chaos and accusations. Even with all the humor, if the television show mirrors your family; it can be awkward for everyone.

Rather than having a witness or an audience to your dilemma with someone, it may be better to communicate with the person in private at another time. So rather than reacting to the one person who “ruins it for everyone,” you may want to try this.

This is a neutrality/amusement practice that I teach in my meditation class called The Center of the Head. The more you practice this now, the easier it is to do when you are in the middle of a situation and need to choose to react or detach.

meditation

Close your eyes and take a big breath from deep in your belly. Bring your attention to the center of your head. This is behind your eyes and up a bit and between your ears. This is your own sacred space. Now open your eyes and notice the difference when you look out from this place. Close your eyes again and bring yourself into the center of your head. From this place, now with your eyes closed and later with them open, when you look out, you can see other people and situations from a place of neutrality. It is like watching a movie.

What others are doing does not have to affect you personally. It is just one scene in the entire film. You can look at what is happening around you with amusement. Think about how it is others are behaving and see the amusement in it all. Say to yourself, “this is an interesting way to do that.” It may not be how you would do it, but you see them with neutrality and amusement.

So, when you are with others around the holidays, when needed, bring yourself into the center of your head. Look out at the people and situations and as you are involved with them, practice being neutral and being amused. You always have this sacred place within yourself and you do not have to be involved with others when they cross your boundaries, or the boundaries of others. If someone brings up an old “story” that may be thrown at you in a prickly way, you can just remain neutral and be amused. You can wonder why it is they continue to stay stuck in the past, and just watch with amusement. You do not have to affect change or correct anyone this holiday season. You can just take time to be loving, gifting and care for yourself by practicing neutrality and amusement. This may be the best gift of the holiday!

Amusement and Neutrality – A true holiday gift! was originally published on Energy Medicine DNA

Sentence Stems for the New Year!

by @candesscampbell

Many of us are making positive changes in our lives in the New Year.  I’d like to offer you a writing tool for making changes called Sentence Stems. The best way to do this is to find a notebook or journal and a fast writing pen.  There are two ways to use these stems. One is to just complete the sentence as fast as you can without thinking. The second way is to complete the sentence and then journal for 20 minutes. When you journal for 20 minutes you can set a timer and when you are stuck just write, “I don’t know what to say” over and over until you become unstuck. This takes you deeper, underneath the surface thoughts. If you would prefer typing that is fine. These are both great tools. Enjoy!

   Family

I can improve my relationships with my family this year by . . .

What I need to complete with my family is . . .

I am happiest with my family when . . .

 

   Work/Career

What challenges me about my work is . . .

What I love about my work is . . .

When I have my ideal work situation I will be . . .

    Friends

I support my friends the most by . . .

The friends I depend upon the most provide me with . . .

I am really drained by . . .

   Health

This year I will improve my health by . . .

I get frustrated with myself when I continue to . . .

My health is so much better since I . . .

   Creativity/Spirituality

This year I will make time to . . .

I am so fulfilled and ecstatic when I . . .

Gratitude fills my heart when . . .

   Travel/Play

Play for me is . . .

My travel plans for this year are . . .

I am most alive when I . . .