It feels so good to start feeling better after the MECFS crash! There are so many ways I understand myself and life that I didn’t before. First of all, I am shocked at my denial. Then again, I’m not. You would think I would be more aware of myself having worked as a therapist most of my life. Especially working as a chemical dependency counselor, you would think I would be the master of detecting denial. I saw it in others but could not see it in myself. I was getting “sick.”
When I was working as a counselor in a Federal prison, I used to ask my clients, “Who had the right to be angry in your family?” It really helped clients to look deeper into their family patterns. It never occurred to me to ask “Who had the right to be ill in your home?”
Bingo! That was my mom. My compassion for my mom is exponential now. When I was younger, I was judgmental of her. She had health issues starting at age 32 which continued throughout her life until she died at age 52; her body full of cancer.
The perfectionist, overachiever, know-it-all part of me focused on fixing my alcoholic dad, who I adored. Later I transferred this to fixing the world. I was a healer! I could not be sick! I have always thought of myself as being on the front line; what today we would call “an essential worker.” Now I understand. Not only did I need to fix everything and everyone, I also could not be sick. This codependent behavior also included not learning to receive and especially not asking for help.
It’s funny. As I write this I think about the $500 utility bill I have. I could not call to get public help unless everyone else who needed it, got theirs first. Note to self again and anyone else who does this – stop it! You have to fill up in order to give from your excess, and not from your need. I’ll sell my old computer.
Back to denial. Once I got it, that I was ill and I was not my mom, I started to blame others. Once I got through this, I was free to look at my own behaviors. Without judgment and blame, I inventoried myself (thanks to 12 step programs) and become clear on how the MECFS affects me and how I can take better care of myself.
As I write, I am watching the latest MECFS videos on Youtube by leaders in the field. (Edit, edit, edit, edit!!!) I am delighted to be one of many and not the problem patient that no one knows what to do with. The shame that I felt for being sick is no longer there. Interesting. I don’t feel a need to fix people (as much) now, but rather can just sit and listen. In 2006, Dr. Al Morgan, a naturopath drew a circle and divided it like a pie. He pointed and said, this is your part, your responsibility (or something like that) and I just couldn’t hear. I could do it all!
There was a time when friends, acquaintances, etc. would call or email anytime wanting answers to their psychic questions or connect with someone on the other side. I was on call all the time. Today I love my work as a psychic medium and as an author. Being bedridden for 4 months and mostly horizontal for a few years, I am so grateful to schedule clients weekly as I can (dependent upon my brain fog, fatigue, and myalgia.) It’s the delight of my day!
Let me say that again differently. Now that I give out of my excess (as I have taught for many, many years,) when I am with a client or a group, I am so full of love and connected to Spirit. When I connect with client’s loved ones or guides, it is not unusual for me to feel so much I just cry. No pain, just pure love.
There is so much more to share now that I am honest with myself about my health and have healed the shame.
