William Glasser

When watching TV I heard “I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back.” Now, I have heard the phrases “have your back” and “have my back” a lot recently, but the way she said it stirred up some thoughts for me. Whose back do I have and who has my back?

Friends and family are very important, but as much as we wished friends and family would be there for us in a crisis, are they truly there? Are you there for your friends and your family?

In my practice as a mental health counselor, intuitive coach and psychic medium, I often talk with clients about two situations in their life. One is asking for what they need and the other is about setting boundaries. I will discuss boundaries in a later writing.

Healthy relationships are relationships where there is a healthy exchange of energy. When one person does it all, carries all the weight, eventually this person will become resentful or lose their power and become ill.

When one takes and takes without giving back, eventually people around them either leave the relationship or the one who takes without giving back ends up suffering from low self-esteem. This could be masked by an arrogant or narcissistic attitude, but nevertheless, when they are alone, they do not feel good about themselves. They begin to focus externally on what they own, what they have and what they do. Then somehow who they are gets lost.

This spring as you get out more, think about your relationships and whether they are balanced or not. William Glasser says we all have four basic needs. They are for Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun. Take some time to write out a list of your friends and your family. Next to each name write out on a scale from one to ten with ten being the most fulfilled, how much does this relationship satisfy your need for Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun?

You may even want to talk with your loved ones and see how much you satisfy their needs in this area as well. Is it possible that you spend most of your time talking and complaining and not listening to them at all?

When you are involved in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need from the other person. If they are not able to meet this need, they can say so and you are free to get your need met elsewhere. You are able to depend on them to be there for you when they can. At times friends and family choose to do things they do not want to do because they love you and support you. It is essential they can also say no when they do not want to do what you ask.

[clickToTweet tweet=”When you are in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need!” quote=”When you are in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need!”]

Walking the Spokane River with Cheyenne!

It is common for women in particular to do what they don’t want to do because they are afraid of losing a friend or lover. And it is true this may happen. But if this is the case, it is important to re-evaluate the relationship. Is fear the motivating factor in your relationship?

This issue is important to me at this time in my life. As I look back over the last few years, I realize that my push to get my doctorate, publish my books and carry on a full-time private practice, left me depleted and I had very little time or energy for my friends. I realized how important self-care is not only to me, but my commitment to take care of myself affects my friends as well.

Do you have a friend in your life that takes on too much, is always pushing the envelope, or living within the margins as I wrote in an earlier blog. Could this be the way you are living your life?

Evaluate your friendships and family relationships and see what you can do to move them into balance. If you give too much, allow yourself to pull back and give to yourself, time and space. If you find you have been selfish and not given to friends at all, allow yourself to “get out of yourself” and give to those you love.

Enjoy journaling! A few Soul Stems to play with!

The person who has my back is . . .

I am out of balance in my relationship with . . .

If I felt (name) had my back then . . .

Take the time to have your own back as well!

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Into the New Year, most people have taken a look back and reflected on the past year. Some have made resolutions and some just go forward with hope. Rather than making resolutions, I pick one focus for the year, one word to remember and increase in my life.

One year the word was money and I became more responsible in my spending, saving and earnings. That year I increased my income by 25%. I read money books, brought my attention to my habits and envisioned and created abundance.

Last year my focus was on food. I watched “foody” shows on television and regularly added nutritionally healthy foods to my diet. I drank green smoothies and my body glowed from all the enzymes. I increased my awareness on how foods affect my health (and my mood!)

This year my focus is music. I have a Martin 000M and my plan is to learn to play my guitar, listen to a variety of music throughout the year, attend concerts and experience music as a healing force in my life!

Speaking of a healing force in my life. I just published my book 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine.

The first chapter focuses on Evaluating Your Situation. Whether it is emotional or physical pain, there is always an emotional component. I find that when people tend to focus on the past, they suffer from depression and when they focus on the future, it creates anxiety. On my website candesscampbell.com under Books and Self-Healing Tools you will find self-screening tests. One is for depression and the other for anxiety. If you find that you struggle with either of these, getting professional help is important.

Sometimes you live your life day to day without much self-awareness. It is helpful to look at whether or not you are getting your needs met. William Glasser, MD, a psychiatrist wrote a book called Choice Theory. In the book he talked about people having Four Basic Needs. The needs he lists are for 1) Love & Belonging, 2) Power and Worth, 3) Freedom and 4) Fun. These are beyond your need for survival.

Think about your life and what the main need is in your life. In your journal, write down your main need. Then write down friends and family you spend most of your time with. List some activities you engage in on a regular basis. Are you getting your needs met with these friends, family members and your activities?

For example I list as one of my loved ones, my Cairn Terrior/mix Domingo. The needs I get met by Domingo are Love and Belonging and Fun. When I image an oval shape and think about how full I am from my relationship with Domingo, I see the oval being maybe a third full. This means I need more people and activities to get my Love and Belonging and Fun needs met.

When I first did this exercise I listed out my friends. A few of the friends I spent most of my time with did not meet my needs at all. I found one friend met most of my needs. I realized I leaned too much on one friend and needed to create more relationships in my life where I felt more alive, full, and got my needs met. I also realized I needed to let some friends go. With self-awareness, I saw how drained I became after spending time with some friends.

Try this yourself. You may be amazed at how simple changes in your life can shift your emotional for physical pain!

Also, in evaluating your situation, it is important to look at the interrelatedness between your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You can find a Total Behavior Map here to help you. http://candesscampbell.com/books/self-help-tools/70-2) On this map you can write out in the center what need you want to get met. Write down a situation that has been difficult for you regarding this need. List what you were doing, thinking and feeling. Then write again as if you were thinking something different. If you were thinking ___________, then what would you be doing or feeling?

You are an integrated being of Mind, Body and Spirit. You will notice that when you change your thinking about a situation, your feeling changes as well. You may choose to do something different and immediately your thinking changes and your feeling changes. The key here is you have 100 % control over your doing, 90 % control over your thinking and only 10 % control over your feeling. When you do or think something different – you feel better!

An example is Sarah was waiting for a phone call from Taylor to go out to dinner. (love and belonging and fun) Taylor didn’t call and Sarah thought, “I was stood up.” She started feeling angry and lost energy. Sarah began making up stories in her mind of what happened and worked herself into a frenzy.

An hour later Taylor called and said she was so sorry. She explained that she had witnessed an accident on the freeway and was pulled in by the police to share what she had seen. Taylor said she was so shaken, she didn’t even think about the dinner plans until she calmed down and realized she was hungry. She asked Sarah if she could come over, she needed a friend.

Sarah began to understand (thinking) and she empathized (feeling) with Taylor’s experience. She began cooking (doing) something to share with Taylor and prepared for her friend to arrive.

Can you see how the feelings followed the doing and thinking in this situation? You can write out some situations in your past, some times when you were really upset. Then write out what you could have done or thought differently, identifying how you would feel different.

Use your journal for this exercise and soon you’ll find you can do it quickly in your mind. So much of the emotional pain (which is under the physical pain) is manufactured in your mind. Now, you have a tool to change this!

Another tool is journaling. One situation I share in my book is for several days I found myself having a lot of pain in my shoulders. I left my office and sat down to rest and the pain was extremely disturbing. After about four days of this, I picked up my journal and began writing, “This pain in my shoulders. . .” and continued journaling for 20 minutes. What came up in my writing was a situation with one of my daughters. Once I wrote it out, the pain released immediately and was totally gone. This is a true testimony to how we carry pain in our bodies connected to our emotions!

There is so much more you can find in the book that will help you evaluate where you are and begin to move into self-healing. In February I’ll focus on Finding Your Passion!

12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – UK

http://www.amazon.co.uk/12-Weeks-Self-Healing-Transforming-Medicine/dp/0615693822/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine – US

http://www.amazon.com/12-Weeks-Self-Healing-Transforming-Medicine/dp/0615693822/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355705809&sr=8-1&keywords=candess+campbell

Who Has your Back?

Evaluating your Situation!