women

I Have Something to Say #metoo and #timesup!

January 17, 2018 by @candesscampbell

This year’s Golden Globes were inspirational and empowering for women. Oprah’s speech which included the #metoo and #timesup movement was pioneering. I loved seeing the women bond together and wear black in support. I especially loved seeing the men stand in unity with the women.

https://youtu.be/fN5HV79_8B8

I am 61 years old. At age 14 when waiting for a bus, I took a ride with a man who offered. Rather than being kidnapped I jumped from the truck as he turned which resulted in my having a head injury and being in a coma for two weeks (having a NDE) and having a Priest give me last rights. At age 15 after months of being groomed by a 23-year-old married man, my first sexual experience was one of being raped. At age 16 I was fired from a nursing home job where I moped floors because the administration was uncomfortable with the elderly men looking at me. At age 18, I was a single mom with two children. At Thanksgiving everyone at the department store where I worked was offered a free turkey. My boss offered me a turkey if I slept with him. No thanks. And there is more . . .

In my early 20s I was on the front lines of the local feminist movement in an attempt to free myself from a battering relationship that had gone on for years. I think you get the picture. Our environment and our experiences shape us.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Help women who cannot help themselves! https://www.gofundme.com/timesup/” quote=”Empower women and share your support! https://www.gofundme.com/timesup/”]

My focus has not been hateful or angry at men, but has been about empowering and coming together. My response was to go to community college and become a substance abuse counselor, one of the first in the nation. While working in a Federal prison where I counseled clients, I continued my education. I received my Master’s Degree from Gonzaga University in Counseling Psychology and became a mental health counselor. I have spent the last 35 years, more than half my life, sitting in sessions and groups counseling and helping others heal from their wounds. Many of these women have been tortured and nearly killed at the hands of their boyfriends and husbands. Don’t feel sorry for me. These memories have been healed and empowered me to help others!

I’m sharing this story because although it is Celebrities who are bringing the #metoo and #timesup movement to the forefront of our minds, many women don’t have the resources to make changes. I channeled my pain into education which was healing for me, but that is not how many women respond. They become paralyzed, scared and often become emotionally or physically ill.

I love that Women Power is finally at the front of our consciousness. NOW, let’s bring in the men that we love to support us. We don’t want to swing the other way and polarize the relationships between Women and Men. Embrace the men in your life. Invite them to support you. Allow them to stay empowered and to empower the women that they love. Much of my own healing was in the arms of men who loved me.

Now, I understand – it is not all women and all men. Men have been and continue to be victimized too. Speak up about abuse. Create a safe place for others to share with you.

There are many conversations to have. Some abuse is in the workplace. Some is in the home. Some is random by predators. Some women choose to stay for whatever reason. Shaming women who stay is not okay. PTSD is real and paralyzing. They need support!

We are all in this together.

If you are angry, hurt, victimized and wounded – get into counseling and heal yourself.

You deserve it!

Please donate to help the women who don’t have resources to help themselves!

https://www.gofundme.com/timesup/

I Don’t have time to take Care of Myself!

September 7, 2016 by @candesscampbell

So often I hear “I don’t have time for myself.” These clients end up spending hours, days and years cleaning up the mess they could have prevented had they taken the time to “do the work.”

[clickToTweet tweet=”Your intuition can guide you! Let me help you!” quote=”Your intuition can guide you!”]

My process since being a young woman has been to read and journal about what I read as a way of becoming conscious. Often I have taught classes from some of the books such as Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss and Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Confused about a decision? I can help! https://energymedicinedna.com/intuitive-readings/” quote=”Confused about a decision? I can help!”]

Part of the motivation for writing my book Living Intuitively: Journal the Wisdom of your Soul came from my personal growth experiences. Using the chakra system as the structure for gaining information and using Soul Stems (writing prompts) you are able to access your intuition and begin to trust yourself to make the best decisions.

An excerpt from Living Intuitively: Journal the Wisdom of your Soul

Chakra Four – The Heart Chakra

Self Love

So often your perception of yourSelf comes from how others have seen and treated you as a child. As young children you are not only vulnerable, you are impressionable and make decisions early on about your worth. You emulate those around us and attempt to get your needs met for love and belonging. This can set up a belief about yourSelf that will ultimately change with experiences and attitudes you have throughout your life. The generation in which you were raised and your culture also affects your view of yourSelf and self-love.

Soul Stems

What I believe about myself is . . .

The biggest trauma I experienced was . . .

If I forgive (name) I am afraid . . .

I long to open my heart, but . . .

I still need to heal the memory of . . .

I use my past to sabotage myself by . . .

What I value about myself is . . .

Enjoy!

Testimonial

Candess Campbell has written a book that anyone can use to develop their intuition and their health. So often our early childhood programming has sublimated our intuition, and with it our health. Live Intuitively suggests “soul stems” for us to use to journal. Observations on the chakras, and their impact on your physical, chemical and emotional health can be added to your soul stem to create a personalized tool. Her journaling process will take you back through layers of consciousness to get in touch with your original mind, your intuition.

Live Intuitively is a guidebook. It is clear and simple. Best of all, once you reach your destination with a soul stem, there is another stem waiting for you. The book could last a lifetime, because our journey back to our intuitive self always lasts a lifetime. Recommended for seekers everywhere.

~ Patrick Dougherty, Holistic Chiropractor

Body is not made of Marble

March 14, 2015 by @candesscampbell

Body is not made of Marble

“The idea in our culture of body solely as sculpture is Wrong. Body is not marble. That is not its purpose. It’s purpose is to protect, contain, support, and fire the spirit and soul within it, to be a repository for memory, to fill us with feeling – that is the supreme psychic nourishment. It is to lift us and propel us, to fill us with the feeling to prove that we exist, that we are here, to…

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Before Play . . . What Women Want!

August 23, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.”

Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without Counseling – Marko Petkovic

Sarah is with friends at a piano bar in downtown Seattle. A tall, dark, handsome man (really) who is new to the group comes up and begins to converse. They make a great connection talking about similar interests and she is curious. She and her friends catch up sharing about their lives and the music starts. Luca (tall, dark, and handsome) comes up and asks her to dance. She begins to move her hips to the music, but he pulls her to him and twirls her around the dance floor. Her curiosity grows and she wonders, “Who is this man?” As the night goes on, he continues to woo her, dancing and whispering in her ear. She unmistakably tells him she is in a relationship, but this does not stop him from professing her beauty, murmuring he loves her eyes, and when she puts her cheek to his shoulder in a slow dance, chills run down her spine.

She notices her female friends are watching her. Later, they insist he is “a player.” She laughs, knowing this of course, and enjoys his attention anyway. Being comfortable with herself, her sexuality and men, she goes along. The group moves to a nearby Karaoke bar and she and Luca sing “Falling Slowly” together as the dance floor fills with couples.

The night moves on and the group is leaving. She walks out with Mallory, her friend and ride home. Luca follows her out to the car and opens the door, all the while enticing her to let him take her home. She laughs, Mallory roles up the window, and off they go.

The next day her boyfriend Jesse calls and wants to see her. She invites him over and within the first ten minutes he initiates sex by rubbing up against her with a look of anticipation in his eyes.

Whether her previous evening behavior was appropriate or not, having interviewed several women, this scenario with Jesse is not far from the truth for many women. What happened here? The difference between how she was treated by a stranger and the man who loves her was monumental. The sense of being desired, of feeling beautiful, of being prepared for lovemaking did not happen with Jesse.

As a therapist, too often I witness couples that become more like roommates than passionate partners in life. They leave intimacy behind and feel unfulfilled in their relationships or marriages. Sometimes they opt for an affair. Other times they may compromise and shut down their emotions to “go along to get along.” Neither of these choices support the early dreams they envisioned of being in love!

A friend of mine shared that the man she had been dating for several months “doesn’t have a clue” how to connect with her prior to their lovemaking. She said it has been really difficult to be sexual at his beck and call, and sadly, he doesn’t understand the difference between intimacy and sex. She loves him, and although they are sexually active, she is not satisfied.

Of course, not all men neglect the needs of their lovers. The intent of this article is to invite men to bring forward the “player within” and to love their wife or girlfriend as if they first met! Listening, attending to and understanding the desires of your partner can strengthen the fiber or your relationship. There is a powerful connection and bond that happens in relationships when intimacy and sexuality can be enjoyed in a loving, supportive and nurturing environment on a daily basis.

In an interview survey regarding “Before Play” a woman who described herself as having a positive relationship, was asked, “who usually initiates sex and how is it done?” She said he usually initiates. She said “Sex starts early in the day with talk and holding one another. My husband’s “love language” expresses itself with acts of service and physical touch that mean a lot to me. We are both physical so touch is critical: kissing slow, fondling, and being playful with one another. In response to the question “does he prepare you prior to being sexual?” she replied “Yes, he will pick up something nice for dinner or a bottle of wine, etc. He often stays in touch sending texts or calls during the day.”

In the interview process, the theme was the same. The communication, intimacy, and connective feeling prior to intercourse had a substantial effect on their sexual life. It affected not only the quality of the sexual experience, but the frequency of sex as well. When women were fulfilled sexually, they said they were happier in their relationship overall.

So what happens? “How to satisfy a woman” is not a new topic and you can hardly even avoid being educated about the needs of women if you ever read cartoons, watched TV, or overheard conversations at the local pub.

BeforePlay (rather than foreplay) begins hours if not days prior to making love. Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.

What women want!

1. Communication – connect with her prior to lovemaking. A phone call or a sexy text to entice her during the day just may be the key.

2. Connection – knowing that she likes to be kissed and cuddled first or enjoys moving right into hot, passionate lovemaking can heighten the fun. Be present to her.

3. Set the stage – whether you bring wine or flowers, play music, or light candles, stimulate her senses for a intense experience.

So if you are a man who sees himself as potent, vital and ready for love, see your woman as one who deserves to be cherished. Woo her in the manner that she enjoys and begin the process (beforeplay) early in the day and slow it down creating some enticement. Strengthen and deepen your love and experience in the incredible, sacred sexual union. You’ll notice the difference in the quality of your life!

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is an Author, Blogger, Intuitive Success Coach and International Psychic Medium.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine.

Sexual Compromise

July 4, 2014 by @candesscampbell

Communication between couples has evolved over the last decade. Often they actually negotiate their sexual desires with each other. Whether or not they come to a mutual conclusion is another story. Even television commercials poke fun at the difference in men and women’s libido and their desire for sex. Of course this is a general perspective and definitely there are women who are poking at their men too.

The scope of this article relates to committed relationships. Casual sexual relationships have a whole different dynamic that won’t be explored here. So let’s take an example.

It was an incredible night. Brandon and Emma celebrated their seven-year anniversary at Alinea, a modern Chicago restaurant with excellent reviews. Having had a busy week, they planned a quite evening together. As a law professor at Loyola, Emma worked long hours and at varied times during the week. Brandon traveled as an international broker and this left them juggling for relaxed time together.

After a delicious meal of king crab and scallops, with fine white wine, they walked along the lakefront in Lincoln Park, reflecting back on when they met. The first time in many years, they reminisced about their combined dreams. The night was perfect. The streets were unusually quiet as they visited a couple galleries and enjoyed the city lights.

In the cab ride home they sat quietly enjoying the smell and the warmth of each other’s bodies. Emma felt content as she noticed they were breathing together as one. Once home, already having had a couple drinks, they moved directly into the bedroom. Intimacy had given way to work for the last few months, and they were finally at ease. They crawled into bed and she looked at him adoringly as she kissed him. She thanked him profusely for the wonderful evening. He began to kiss her passionately and his hands began to explore her curves. His expectation and hers collided.

She – had a wonderful night, hadn’t been intimate with him for a long time, has been stressed and busy at work, wants to close her eyes and experience the sensations of being in love and cuddle.

He – finally had time with his wife. Has not had sex with her for weeks. Planned this evening so they could finally be sexual again. Did all the right moves as far as planning goes and is ready to “finish the deal.”

Sound familiar? We could change the names, city, careers, circumstances just like a fill in the blanks puzzle, but overall, internationally, the results are the same.

So, who compromises in the sexual arena and at what cost? Her need and desire is for closeness, commitment, security and love. He desire is for a woman, Emma, who will be there for him, being sexual when he wants her to be, to share activities and the convenience of love.

She responds to romance and sexuality when there is ambiance, connection, closeness and communication. Brandon focuses on his virility and what I refer to as his “puffing peacock” stance. History between Brandon and Emma around negotiating intercourse has shown him this is a precarious time, so he is aware of not triggering any reactions from her.

Nevertheless, whether or not the evening ends with the couple joyfully entangled or not – who’s to know? Maybe you can relate.

Who is responsible for ones sexual expression, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure? This case was not so extreme, but what would you do if you were in a committed relationship or marriage and your partner/spouse continually said no? Is it your moral and religious obligation to stay; to stay faithful and live the rest of your life without being sexual with your wife or husband?

If you are a woman who is sexually unresponsive or non-orgasmic, either due to lack of physical desire (possibly hormonal,) illness, or having a husband who goes straight to the sexual act with no ability or understanding how to engage you and fire your desire; what do you do?

At what point do women add having sex to their list along with doing the laundry, picking up groceries and attending their daughter’s dance recital? When I was in India recently, I sat at the breakfast table before my friend completed his yogic breathing. I had tea and checked my email. Every morning I heard what sounded like a woman having an orgasm. I was with my friend’s family and I didn’t speak Bengali and they didn’t speak English. They didn’t seem to notice, but, nevertheless, I felt embarrassed. I shared this with my friend when he joined me and he said, oh, no, Indian women don’t make noise. Really I asked. He assured me this was true and said she must be praying.

Well, I didn’t buy it! Later we continued our conversation, which lead to American woman being passionate and vocally expressive. I explained this was also a validation to their lover. This discussion of course was destined to end up talking about “faking it.” He had not even conceived of any such behavior by women and ultimately in my need to be right, I searched youtube on my Mac Air and found the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. (link here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hY7_CNuEQY

My friend was astonished and definitely humored by this funny scene. Then, the sound I had been hearing every morning began and I begged, “listen, listen there it is.” He looked at me with surprise and said, “she is praying.” Okay, he was right.

Right or wrong, I believe every sexual relationship has compromise. The hope would be that each person takes his or her share of compromise, but more often it is one person who gives in. What is the cost? Resentment, lack of true intimacy, aggression, depression, marital prostitution; I could go on. Most likely the couples separate at least emotionally, if not physically. Whether an affair ensues or not, there is an unspoken agreement, and they live as roommates, or what I call, married singles.

Delving so deeply into this topic, I yearn for a solution; so here it is. To men I ask that you understand that foreplay is not rubbing up against a woman, telling her about how great you are, or beginning to kiss and fondle her with the expectation of sex. If you don’t have a satisfying pattern of sexuality, or if your intimacy is routine and stagnant, please understand. For most women, foreplay begins at least anywhere from 12 – 72 hours prior to intercourse. Women are sensual and emotional beings. Engage their senses. Get to know your woman. Does she like her back rubbed with scented oil, to have you whisper in her ear or kiss the back of her neck? Is she responsive to the vibe of a candle or burning fire, to jewelry or flowers? Does she become stimulated by a romantic and succulent meal or a night on the town? These behaviors begin long before the sexual encounter.

To women who love men whose sexual desire overrides yours, please speak up. Men in general are not nearly as complicated as you might think. Communication is absolute, and generally women must take the lead in this area. Communicate, even when it is difficult and you keep hitting roadblocks. When you are together and sexuality is not the immediate issue, take some time to share what you like. Share whether it is better for you when you advance toward him with intimacy, or when he moves toward you with desire. Let him know what is stimulating for you and what sets the mood. Men in general love to please women! Give him the roadmap so both of you can enjoy the journey.

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.

This article was previously published in LiveEncounters Magazine where Candess is a monthly contributor.

Marriage – Arranged or Falling in Love?

April 12, 2014 by @candesscampbell

“Our matriarchs had an interesting advantage over today’s western women. Matriarchs didn’t begin their marriage with love. Instead, they were taught how to love. They entered marriage with an earnest determination to grow a love that would sustain their marriage for a lifetime.”

― Michael Ben Zehabe, Song of Songs the book for daughters

When an invitation came from a friend of mine to attend his nephew’s wedding in Calcutta, I jumped at the chance. My flight took me from Spokane to Seattle, to Dubai and to Calcutta. What I didn’t know was how much I didn’t know about Hindu weddings.

My friend’s sister, the groom’s mother, picked us up after sunset to take us shopping in preparation for the ceremonies. While my friend sat upfront with the driver, I sat in the back of the relatively new car with his sister. Driver or taxi, it didn’t matter. The streets were full of a cacophony of honking and shouting as we maneuvered around other cars, taxis, motorized rickshaws and cycle rickshaws. Narrowly making it through the pedestrians, motorcycles, bikes and street dogs, I carefully listened to her as she shared it all.

She said that her son was marrying and it was an arranged marriage. She explained that what happens in an arranged marriage is the family signs up on a marriage portal to find a suitable partner for their daughter or son. This is the process she went through for her son, although it may be different in other arranged marriages. Questionnaires were completed online to make the correct match and then profiles of several choices for a possible mate were delivered. In this case, the groom was able to see the profiles and make some choices. The groom’s parents also ordered astrological charts so the astrologer could find who would be harmonious with their son. The parents then met with the young woman. Afterward, they invited the family and the young woman to meet their son. If there was a harmonious connection, the young couple met a few more times to test the compatibility. The next step was planning the marriage.

Some would scoff at this process and have many reasons to argue against it, saying it wouldn’t work; but statistics say different. According to UNICEF http://www.statisticbrain.com/arranged-marriage-statistics/ (August 16, 2012) the Divorce Rate for Arranged Marriages in India is 1.1 %. The Global Divorce rate for Arranged Marriages is 4 %.

So, could it be that arranged marriage is a more sensible way to pair up for life? What about falling in love? As I listened to the way the couples were paired, it sounded a lot like dating sites to me. Some of the largest dating sites in the US are match.com and eharmony.com. There is a difference though between dating sites and marriage portals. Many people I have talked with and my own experience is that many profiles on the dating sites are either false or exaggerated. In the US, there is even a TV show about this called Catfish. http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/

The screening process for marriage portals is much more complex and those who put up their profile are looking for marriage, not someone to date or with whom to create a sexual relationship. Although I’m not privy to any, there may be dating sites that are reliable and you can trust that the profile is accurate and meeting the person is safe. Agencies that are set up to match couples may be a better choice.

There are many ways of dividing relationships into stages. Here I will use the stages I use when counseling couples. They are the honeymoon phase, the working phase and the commitment phase.

With the “falling in love” process, there are stages that may differ from an arranged marriage. This is of course a simplified process, but falling in love begins with the honeymoon phase. You meet someone and you are immediately infatuated with them. You cannot stop thinking about them, love everything about them and find yourself smiling out loud and then embarrassed because you realize you are in public and think others can read your mind. During this stage, your energy increases and you become aroused, and even obsessed with the person to the point your friends get tired of listening to your ravings about him or her.

The next stage of the relationship is the working stage. You begin to notice some things you never observed before or what you did see begins to bother you. Previously, the fact he leaves his clothes all around the room was cute and showed his carefree attitude. Now, it’s irritating that you have to pick up after him. When she used to leave the sink full of toothpaste, it was childlike and playful. Now it is sticky and messy when you are in a hurry to shave and get to work.

This stage is when couples either learn to communicate and work together at being harmonious, or issues begin to tear at the thread of the relationship. The fun, playful guy begins to look like a slob and you wonder what you ever saw in him. The woman you felt proud to share with your friends, all of the sudden becomes controlling and whiny and you can’t wait to get away from her and do something with the guys.

These changes give you the opportunity to either end the relationship or learn to communicate, accept each other and go onto the next stage.

The next stage of relationship is a deepening process and you enter into the commitment stage. For many years I have said that when you enter into relationship, it brings up in your personality, all that needs healing and gives you the opportunity for personal growth. This is the gift of relationship. It is also a reason to do your personal development work before you get into relationship. You will attract a person at a similar level or vibrational frequency as you.

At this stage, you begin to understand how to communicate, be compassionate, compromise and stay connected. Even when you feel like responding with “fight or flight,” you stay and work through the problems. This is not to say that you won’t argue, but you will learn to “fight fair.” You also may move away from your partner for an hour or so, but you do this after communicating that you need to think things through and let your partner know when you will return. Most of the time when there is conflict in a relationship, it has to do with a misunderstanding or a resistance you have that is based on ego. Having accepting, loving partners that “hold the space” for each other to process feelings and thoughts, is how the relationship deepens and you grow into the couple you want to be.

Beyond the scope of this article is the question “what are the stages of an arranged marriage?” Having talked to a few men who are in arranged marriages, I found out that after the marriage, they did, in fact, fall in love with their wife and the couples are happy, committed and secure.

This article was previously published in Live Encounters Magazine. http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=6790