The creativity of your subconscious mind not only shows up in dreams, but also shows up as archetypes in your life. Archetypes are overlying patterns that show up in all cultures that are seeded in the psyche. Some examples of archetypes are mother, judge, teacher and healer. When you begin to look at these patterns in your life, you can unleash your creative energy. You can access your natural path, heal your wounds and move toward your Divine Soul purpose.
Today we will explore the Bully Archetype. This article was first written in response to a situation that I was privy to regarding a child who suffered from bullying from his father. It is apropos today as many live in fear due to the recent election in the United States. The scope of the Bully archetype is massive. There is bullying in the workplace, on college campuses, in schools and schoolyards and as seen in the news on a daily basis today, there are bullies attempting to take over countries!
When looking at the psyche and bullying, there is even the issue of bullying yourself and internally beating yourself up. There is so much about this archetype that can be explored. This article is taking a small slice of the issue and will focus on parents who bully their children. This may be a difficult topic to read about, but I think you will find it valuable.
Recently, when listening to others share stories, the topic of abusive yelling has surfaced over and over again. As an adult, if someone yelled at me, I would just walk away. Children don’t have the ability to do this. The response is generally to shut down and be quiet, to fight back, or to get revenge.
What is bullying and why do people bully? First of all there is a difference between bullying and having the bully archetype. There may be periods of time where someone uses bullying in his or her life and then learns skills to behave more appropriately. Having the bully archetype is when this tendency becomes a strong part of their personality. It becomes a pattern that directs their behavior in an attempt to dominate another person or ultimately, to control their own coward within.
Bullies often use threats or coercion to gain power over another. They will intimidate and be abusive. Sometimes the bully will use physical power to dominate, but here I want to look at the emotional abuse of bullying.
Children especially are vulnerable and parents, in an attempt to control them may use yelling and threatening. They may resort to name-calling, shaming, and other aggressive measures. The reality is, in their attempt to control the child, they are really only showing that they themselves are out of control.
So what happens to these children who are bullied at home? One response is to become quiet and withdraw. On the outside they may appear to become a well-adjusted, compliant child, but on the inside they have a mind of constant negative self-talk. This self-talk can be anger directed at their parent, but more often, it is directed at themselves. This internal abuse becomes a survival technique. In their own attempt at gaining some control they use self-abuse. In some cases this is not just abusive self-talk, but turns into using sharp objects to physically cut on themselves. This may be to release the pain they feel. They want to let it out. When they do this, they may think no one else can hurt them as much as they can hurt themselves. The parent’s response to this may be to use force to try to control the child even more. They blame the child (the victim of the bullying) rather than looking at and owning their own behavior.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Children respond to bullying in a couple of ways!” quote=”Do you have the Bully Archetype?”]
Some children become compliant and work hard so they are not abused. These children excel in school, on the football team and become the leaders in their community. They develop manipulative skills that serve them at home and in other areas of their lives. As adults these skills can go either way. They can help them catapult to the top or eventually destroy their relationships and career.
Sometimes children end up not using their full potential. They may be extremely bright, but end up with low grades. They may have mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, or behaviors such as over-eating or using drugs. Turning their fear, hurt and anger inward eats them alive. When these children become adults, these old wounds begin to surface in their relationships, their jobs, and in their health.
Another way that children survive is to rebel and fight back. What happens here is there is continual yelling, conflict and fighting between the child and the parent. It becomes a battle of the wills. The children may also run away to get away from the situation. These children often go on to bully others, including their siblings. Although they fight to gain power, ultimately the parent has the power because they control the money and the access to the child’s fun and freedom. For children, other than their need for love, their need for fun is essential. In this case the parent continues to be out of control and the child continues to suffer from emotional abuse.
Another way children respond the to bullying is to get revenge. There are several ways they do this. One is directly by breaking something of value to the parent. They may also “tell on” the parent. In this case they may tell their friends, reach out to a teacher, a neighbor, a relative or even the police. They may also share in front of others something embarrassing that the parent did. Often this is difficult for the child because, even though they are angry and feel the parent isn’t fair, they also feel at fault.
Another way they get revenge is indirectly through passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior is a way that people express their anger, frustration or hostility indirectly. The child may not finish their chores or move really slowly when the parent is in a hurry. They could pick at something like a lampshade making small holes in it that are not noticeable to their dad. Children who underachieve may be being passive aggressive, especially if the parent has a high need for them to excel. Other passive aggressive behaviors are using sarcasm, being stubborn, or procrastinating. Whatever would get back at the parent without immediate repercussion gives them some sense of power.
So what should a child do when they have an abusive or bullying parent? It is important that they find a safe adult who can help them. As a reader of this article, I ask you to be aware of the children around you and to make sure that they know you are a safe adult. Talk to the children around you and get to know them. Build a rapport so they understand that you are someone they could trust and depend upon. You never know if the child is secretly suffering in her own home.
What if you find that you have the Bully Archetype fully active in your own life at this time? Whatever situation you find yourself in, if you find that you are yelling, name-calling, taking or breaking someone else’s belongings, or even pushing and shoving or other violence, it is important to get help!
There are so many resources for you. One I would suggest first is to find a counselor or a minister that you can confide in. Counselors will provide you with a safe place to learn how to manage your anger and to gain better control in your own life. If you have a child that is difficult to manage, a counselor can assist you with some parenting skills. What happens is the more out of control you feel, the more you try to solve the problem yourself and the less likely you are to resolve the issue. Remember the bully in you, the bully archetype is covering for the inner coward. It takes courage to reach out and get assistance. Seeing a counselor becomes a confidential place for you to share and it is the counselor’s job to listen, support, teach and provide resources for you.
Another resource in addition to counseling is to educate yourself about the problem. Search for books on dealing with your anger. The first step to changing a behavior is identifying it and owning it. You will be amazed at the relief you feel when you start to learn simple steps to shift the pattern that has taken over your life. If you find you are bullying someone, then you too are certainly bullying yourself in the process.
The Bully archetype may or may not be a significant archetypal pattern for you. If it is, remember archetypes cross cultures from the beginning of time and so you are not alone. This is a pattern that can be balanced. The positive attribute of the bully archetype is learning to become courageous. As you reflect, take notes on this and other archetypes you identify with. Notice what thoughts, feelings, and memories have surfaced for you when reading this article. Think about how others see you. Is there something you noticed that is blocking you from your Divine Soul Purpose?
This article was first published in Live Encounters Magazine and updated and republished here.
What a timely post, Candess. And ah, a child being bullied (especially by an adult) can sure grow into a bully himself.
Isn’t it interesting how archetypes manifest. I just love the study of them!
Thank you for this.
It is so sad when anyone, but yes, particularly a child, is bullied. I have seen first hand how this can impact their entire lives. Sadly, the need for control that typifies the bully archetypes often means they do not want to relinquish control and therefore will not seek help.
What in gods name possesses a parent to bully their child!
My son has been subjected to bullying at school lately, it saddens me and makes me so mad too!
Don’t know much about the archetype but I completely get bullying and even when it isn’t bullying and when children are pointlessly yelled at by their parents… makes sense in that it isn’t due to the child but a loss of control or lack of self control of the parent, for sure. And such acts are ever lasting on the child that is yelled at or bullied.
Great post! Bullies are something that concerns me. There are so many kinds evolving now, and virtual bullying can be so detrimental.
I’m concerned too Robin. I hope this blog will be helpful in educating about bullying, especially in the home. It’s the safe parent that can make a difference and stop the bullying parent. Hopefully this will empower those who witness the bullying to take action.
We don’t have children, but I read frightening stories about what’s happening to children in school or at home. As for parents, I watched a video of a mom who packed up her young son’s stuff into a suitcase & kicked him out for voting a certain way in a mock election. Poor kid was devastated, and I don’t imagine he’ll be over that experience any time soon. Bullying occurs at all ages and from all political spectrums in my personal experience. You’ve brought up a lot to think about. I’m not sure bullying will ever go away, but it’s important to recognize it and do something about it to make the world a better place.
WOW! This is full of so much information. Bullying and bullies are such a part of our society now, it is hard for children (and adults) to escape it. Thanks for the tools to help identify some of the behaviors.
I think we all can relate to this post in one way or another. I always try to be aware of when I feel like I’m being too hard on my kids. It’s important for kids to understand that making mistakes is part of life and that we can all learn from our mistakes.
I know myself as a parent that we tackle issues that resemble bullying and take it very seriously.
I get really frustrated when people take light of it and call it ‘child’s play’.
You did a great job highlighting various types of the bully archetype and I appreciate your passion for this topic.
Thank you Heather. Having been a mental health and addictions counselor for over 30 years, this issue is important to me.
Hi Candess,
Really enjoyed your post on bullying and did not realize that there were a few types. Bullying is so wrong on so many levels. Thanks for sharing this very informative and interesting post 🙂
Such important information to share. Dealing with a workplace bully has been a firsthand experience for me. I always used to wonder what their childhood had been like or what fear or sense of inadequacy was being masked by the bullying.
Bullying is so awful and, like you, I’m worried about what will happen in this country in this regard following our most recent presidential election. I’m already reading of examples online of people of color who are being bullied in public because they think they can get away with it. It’s tragic when it happens to anyone, but to children is especially awful. It can have negative, lifelong impacts on them. So sad.
Heather, I found this article hard to read. I was one of those that was “bullied” at home. It need not be yelling either, but it was. It was also with hair pulling and made to feel “unworthy” many many times THROUGHOUT my life! Into my 50s!!!!!! I was one that did my best to be GOOD, or SMART and get good grades, but I never was “enough”. Sadly, it did manifest itself in varied ways not so healthy for me. My own negative self talk never ended in my head! I began a direct sales business in the attempt to “grow mentally stronger, and less afraid” of people. I had (and still do have) a great mentor/upline who was right on the mark with her coaching. BUT I struggled too hard and it felt like I was beating myself up too much, it hurt, so I quit more or less. Today, I am still attached to the group because I love this lady = my mentor. However, I do not sell anymore, but by those who come to me. At one point in my journey thru direct sales, I found my way into counseling. I found one that truly believed she had a way to help me, who had answers! 3 years in counseling with a psycho-therapist led me to understand why I was thinking as I was and that it wasn’t necessarily true at all!!! I had strengths that meant more to me in my success than the lack of control over my weaknesses!! I was bigger than the parent that tried to “help me” via showing me how weak I was or how I just didn’t measure up! I remember telling my counselor, “why can’t I just grow up?” This is what bullying can do to a person who grows up in a home being bullied. Sorry for the long story here, but one must NOT be afraid to reach out to a mental health professional and just ask questions! I did it as a way for personal development – which as a teacher, drove me to new levels and potential success. Little did I know where it would help HEAL the wounds I carried ALL my adult life! Today, I am so much more happier and stronger with belief in myself! I thank my Lord everyday …and the therapists that helped me get here! Thanks be to God!
Cheryl, thank you for sharing so candidly. I have spent most of my life helping clients who have similar stories to yours! I also had a difficult childhood that catapulted me (like you) into being loving, compassionate and empowered. I too encourage people who were wounded as children or adults to seek out therapy. I specialize in trauma using EMDR and hope those who have been traumatized to find therapists in their community. Also, it is important to get children who have been bullied or wounded into counseling with a credible children’s counselor. Again, thank you for sharing.
this was a great explanation which shows the wide scope of bullying in our lives. As a child I tended to stay quiet, work hard and become the good child. It was only much later in my life that I realized what I was doing. If we can get to those children that experience this behavior perhaps they will not turn into adults that suffer from those behaviors.
This is really good information. As a parent of kids who are at challenging ages, it is a nice reminder to keep my cool and speak with patience and love. What we do now will affect their lives forever! Great post.
Thanks for the sensitive article on the bullying archetype, Candess. Because each of us has a unique and individual personality and temperament, I can see how some children who are “too” shy or quiet or smart, might be the target of bullying from people around them. I do not have any experience with bullying within my family, but I believe my former husband was bullied by his dad, who was an alcoholic. Even though it wasn’t conscious bullying, it certainly did leave a long-lasting impact on him. We witnessed it from time to time in his suppressed anger without knowing exactly what was behind it. I have a lot of concern over the direction our planet is heading now, as it seems bullying has someone become normalized even though many of us know that it is generally a play to dominate and control others.
Beverley, thank you for your heart felt comment. I have worked as an addictions counselor for over 30 years and anger does seem to be a major issue with addicts. Children of alcoholics have their own set of characteristics. That may be another blog. I also am concerned about the response to our election and hope that we all move toward love and compassion within ourselves to balance out the pain and anger of those who have been dis-empowered for so long. Having said that, I do believe that we have a choice in how we react to situations and are fully co-creators of our life!
Thank you for this very thoughtful article on bullying. I was bullied as a child in school. I learned to stand up for myself and that started the shift for me to feel I was powerful inside. I think bullying in any form is wrong. I wish every child experienced only positive, loving relationships. We must stop bullying. You raise such great points about how bullying manifests for people. Everyone needs to read this.
I was only bullied a short time as a child. I think most people were and are. As adults it is so important to show respect for others as an example of how to act to help our kids not bully. Then to support a child and stop it if we see it. As for adults who bully, I have not problem telling them to kindly stop. I just don’t allow it in my life or in my kids’ lives.
Bullying is an ever present problem at all ages, but I believe it is very hard for children. Nice article.
This kind of archetype can be difficult particularly for a young child. Imagine, looking back into an adult and you cannot protect yourself. It can be very scary. Sometimes, even you are a good parent, you would never know what type of an adult your children would meet in their lives. They could meet such type of characteristics from their school and any other activities they engage in.
The impact of bullying on anyone, child or adult, runs deep. I hate that I am seeing a rise in this across the country; or maybe its that people feel more comfortable bullying others given the behavior of the recent president elect. Very very sad.
An excellent article on the bully archetype, Candess, It’s very helpful to explain the different effects bullying can have on the behavior of children and over a lifetime. I’ve been quite surprised to see how much public bullying has taken place around our recent presidential election. This is certainly a topic that we need to keep in the forefront of public discussion.
Joyce, I agree so much with this being important to keep in the forefront. Hopefully the consciousness raising will help!
One of my nieces is being bullied at school right now, so this really hits home for me. It breaks my heart to hear what’s happened to her. Bullies are no good.
Jennifer I am so sorry about that. I hope she gets the support she needs. Bless her heart.
Candes.,
Great article and I was impressed with the article , I am a social worker and have worked with families and children that are bullied. Today the bullying is taken too far and their needs to be consequences and education before it gets to this point. I am sure there are new ways that teacher’s definitely get involved with student’s. It’s really at a point that I never thought it could get, I was in High school in the eighties and their were bullies in my school, but the bulling was a lot different and hurtful then today. Thanks for sharing and making this topic a discussion,
Lori English
You are welcome Lori. It is difficult working with families and children who have been bullied. Thanks for doing this work for us all!
Great post! There are so many kinds evolving now, and virtual bullying can be so detrimental.
Thanks