When watching TV I heard “I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back.” Now, I have heard the phrases “have your back” and “have my back” a lot recently, but the way she said it stirred up some thoughts for me. Whose back do I have and who has my back?
Friends and family are very important, but as much as we wished friends and family would be there for us in a crisis, are they truly there? Are you there for your friends and your family?
In my practice as a mental health counselor, intuitive coach and psychic medium, I often talk with clients about two situations in their life. One is asking for what they need and the other is about setting boundaries. I will discuss boundaries in a later writing.
Healthy relationships are relationships where there is a healthy exchange of energy. When one person does it all, carries all the weight, eventually this person will become resentful or lose their power and become ill.
When one takes and takes without giving back, eventually people around them either leave the relationship or the one who takes without giving back ends up suffering from low self-esteem. This could be masked by an arrogant or narcissistic attitude, but nevertheless, when they are alone, they do not feel good about themselves. They begin to focus externally on what they own, what they have and what they do. Then somehow who they are gets lost.
This spring as you get out more, think about your relationships and whether they are balanced or not. William Glasser says we all have four basic needs. They are for Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun. Take some time to write out a list of your friends and your family. Next to each name write out on a scale from one to ten with ten being the most fulfilled, how much does this relationship satisfy your need for Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun?
You may even want to talk with your loved ones and see how much you satisfy their needs in this area as well. Is it possible that you spend most of your time talking and complaining and not listening to them at all?
When you are involved in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need from the other person. If they are not able to meet this need, they can say so and you are free to get your need met elsewhere. You are able to depend on them to be there for you when they can. At times friends and family choose to do things they do not want to do because they love you and support you. It is essential they can also say no when they do not want to do what you ask.
[clickToTweet tweet=”When you are in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need!” quote=”When you are in a healthy relationship you can ask for what you need!”]
Walking the Spokane River with Cheyenne!
It is common for women in particular to do what they don’t want to do because they are afraid of losing a friend or lover. And it is true this may happen. But if this is the case, it is important to re-evaluate the relationship. Is fear the motivating factor in your relationship?
This issue is important to me at this time in my life. As I look back over the last few years, I realize that my push to get my doctorate, publish my books and carry on a full-time private practice, left me depleted and I had very little time or energy for my friends. I realized how important self-care is not only to me, but my commitment to take care of myself affects my friends as well.
Do you have a friend in your life that takes on too much, is always pushing the envelope, or living within the margins as I wrote in an earlier blog. Could this be the way you are living your life?
Evaluate your friendships and family relationships and see what you can do to move them into balance. If you give too much, allow yourself to pull back and give to yourself, time and space. If you find you have been selfish and not given to friends at all, allow yourself to “get out of yourself” and give to those you love.
Enjoy journaling! A few Soul Stems to play with!
The person who has my back is . . .
I am out of balance in my relationship with . . .
If I felt (name) had my back then . . .
Take the time to have your own back as well!
What a great reminder, Candess. When younger, I often fell into relationships with friends who took and took and took. My own self-esteem was at fault, of course, for staying. But as I got older, and more importantly, healed more and more, I don’t get caught in these anymore. Yep, those folks still exist, but I move softly away, quickly.
So happy to hear that you move away from those who take Susan. Sometimes we can’t do that, but increasing our self-esteem as you did is great!
What a great post, Candess and love the exercise you shared from William Glasser! I am one of those people who in the past, rarely asked for help, often doing ‘everything’ myself, for whatever the reasons.. Often when I do ask for help, especially from family, they are surprised, as they know me as the person who always did ‘it’ and was good at it.
I’ve been reassessing my life and realize I go, go, go until I am depleted, so I am taking steps to at least strive for more balance. I am quite good at taking care of myself in many ways (weekly massage and acupuncture etc.) but in other ways I would be wise to take note and make more strides that favour balance.
I really like William Glasser’s work. I’ve been using the cognitive-behavioral model for many years. Blessings in finding balance Beverley! We can all support each other in our individual endeavors.
I especially love, “take the time to have your own back as well”. I’m grateful most of my relationships are fairly balanced these days. I did have some friends who really drained me and were big takers, but I realised the importance of letting them go. I’m so much better at setting boundaries these days, though, of course, there is not much I wouldn’t do for my sons.
Kudos to balance Tamuria! Great you have found it.
I love this, Candess. Your mention of “self care” is so crucial! Our relationships should always honor those four qualities you mention; worth, love, freedom, and fun. We grant ourselves access to those feelings as well, so seek those who fan your flames 😉 Thank you!
I love this post. These are really useful guidelines with which to reflect upon our relationships. I especially appreciate the definition of a healthy, supportive relationship as vital in the three areas: Power and Worth, Love and Belonging, Freedom and Fun. This is one of the best definitions I’ve seen.
Thanks Reba! So happy you found this helpful!
Among most of my friends, we are all pretty independent. Yet, we all know that if there was a need, each of us would be there for each other. It’s a part of our friendship that has sustained us over the years. Sometimes, a friendly listening ear is all that it takes.
Thank you for the Soul Stem writing prompts. I am a big believe and doer of journaling and how it can help us find our own truth…..and worth.
Happy to share Teresa. I love Soul Stems and journaling has keep me sane for most of my life.
I seem to be really good at setting those boundaries, but not good at asking what i’d like. This has given me something to think about for sure.
What great soul stem writing prompts/questions for reflection, Candess. What a great way to think about our relationships and how we show up in the world. I’ve been hearing a lot lately about ‘balance’ and how there is no such thing, really, because once something ‘new’ is added to our plate, we get off balance.
However, I think if we have our priorities straight, have set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES as you discuss and stay connected to our higher self, it’s much easier to relax into what is happening.
Great article, Candess!
Thanks for the generous feedback Tandy. I see that you understand the value of self-reflection and setting boundaries!
I love this post especially when you made mention that “Healthy relationships are relationships where there is a healthy exchange of energy.” It is sad that most people in relationships do not consider this factor till the situation starts getting bad.
Funny isn’t it Apolline that we should know that. So easy to get out of balance.
When creating a healthy and loving relationship, it is important for two people to be able to give each other this space, and at the same time genuinely care for the other person’s well-being. The danger of not doing this is that we end up walking on eggshells depending on the emotional state of the other person, or they end up walking on eggshells around us.