I think it was when I ran into Kerouac and Burroughs – when I was 17 – that I realized I was talking through an empty skull . . . I wasn’t thinking my own thoughts or saying my own thoughts. Allen Ginsberg
| “I can’t get it through your thick skull,” a character on a TV show says. What does it mean? Being a writer, I often listen for sayings and I wonder where they came from.
Have you ever talked with someone and shared with her as clearly as you can, and then she responded with something that had nothing to do with what you said? Communication can be difficult when your head is full of your own thoughts. You are stuck in your own perspective and you can’t seem to find room for how anyone else sees the world. What happens for all of us is we tend to defend ourselves by taking a stand on something. We see it our way, and close down our minds to other possibilities. In part, this can be a survival tool; to not become so sensitive to all that is happening around, and to just focus on our task. In relationship though, this can be frustrating and derisive. [clickToTweet tweet=”In relationship it is important to see each other’s point of view! ” quote=”Have you ever heard two people sharing with each other and you could see both sides, but they could not see the other’s point at all?”] You may have seen old 1970’s TV rerun episode of All in the Family, with Archie and Edith Bunker. In this episode, they were discussing politics. Archie was irate when he found out Edith had voted for the opposing candidate from Archie’s. All he could see was his vote didn’t count. She had cancelled it out. They went round and round and he could not understand her vote had nothing to do with his. He would never understand this of course.
We all have this tendency to have a “thick skull” at times. Being a reader, I love seeing the world from other people’s perspective, especially other cultures. [clickToTweet tweet=”Connection with others is so much better when we see situations from the other person’s perspective. ” quote=”Connection with others would be so much better if we all tried to see situations from the other person’s perspective. “] This can be done in the privacy of your own mind. You don’t have to give up your position. Once you do practice seeing the other point of view though, it becomes easier. You don’t have to agree with the opposing view, but being open to hearing it and understanding why one would see it that way helps strengthen relationship.
Three of my Favorite Books that share a different life perspective from my own. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
The Poisonwood Bible is a story told by the wife and four daughters of Nathan Price, a fierce, evangelical Baptist who takes his family and mission to the Belgian Congo in 1959. They carry with them everything they believe they will need from home, but soon find that all of it — from garden seeds to Scripture — is calamitously transformed on African soil. What follows is a suspenseful epic of one family’s tragic undoing and remarkable reconstruction over the course of three decades in postcolonial Africa. Credit – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7244.The_Poisonwood_Bible?ac=1&from_search=true
Stones from the River by Ursula Hegi
From the highly acclaimed, award-winning author of Floating in My Mother’s Palm comes a stunning novel about ordinary people living in extraordinary times. Trudi Montag is a Zwerg—a dwarf—short, undesirable, different, the voice of anyone who has ever tried to fit in. Eventually she learns that being different is a secret that all humans share—from her mother who flees into madness, to her friend Georg whose parents pretend he’s a girl, to the Jews Trudy harbors in her cellar. Ursula Hegi brings us a timeless and unforgettable story in Trudi and a small town, weaving together a profound tapestry of emotional power, humanity, and truth. Credit – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/77163.Stones_from_the_River?ac=1&from_search=true
Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese
Marion and Shiva Stone are twin brothers born of a secret union between a beautiful Indian nun and a brash British surgeon at a mission hospital in Addis Ababa. Orphaned by their mother’s death in childbirth and their father’s disappearance, bound together by a preternatural connection and a shared fascination with medicine, the twins come of age as Ethiopia hovers on the brink of revolution. Yet it will be love, not politics—their passion for the same woman—that will tear them apart and force Marion, fresh out of medical school, to flee his homeland. He makes his way to America, finding refuge in his work as an intern at an underfunded, overcrowded New York City hospital. When the past catches up to him—nearly destroying him—Marion must entrust his life to the two men he thought he trusted least in the world: the surgeon father who abandoned him and the brother who betrayed him. Credit – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3591262-cutting-for-stone?ac=1&from_search=true Enjoy!
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Isn’t that just the key to life, Candess–seeing it through another’s perspective. And so true–often we’re so dug into our own positions, we don’t even try to see it another way . . .
Love your book choices! And as I talk about often–fiction allows us to “experience” the “other” in our midst, and from there, begin to understand folks in a way we never did before.
Susan I love that fiction does allow us to “experience.” I know you are a great published writer and help others in their endeavors. Thank you! http://www.susanmarymalone.com/
I love that you said you don’t have to agree with the opposing view but be open to hearing it and try to understand why one would see it that way, Candess. If everyone did this, we would have world peace and still be able to celebrate all of our differences. It can be easy to keep blinders on when you are passionate about something. You don’t learn much when you refuse to even consider other opinions. All of the books sound really interesting and I’ve added them to my list.
Tamuria it must be over 30 years as a therapist that taught me to understand how people believe what they believe. It is so amazing how we come to believe what we believe. It is also more amazing when one chooses a different belief after becoming educated about the topic.
True, communication can be difficult…and often people want to force you to have their opinion…or most often I think it is just that we do not listen. Sometimes I realize that the older we get, people tend to do monologues, and then when it is time to listen they just shut off.
So true Katarina. I hope we can teach our children to listen more and talk less!
I often think life all around would be so much simpler if we could all just learn to really hear others and try and understand their point of view. We won’t always understand, but we should at least try and not only communicate our thoughts more clearly, but try and decipher others as well.
Your point is so appropriate for our times. I don’t recall exactly when the term “spin” entered our public discourse, but it’s become more pervasive. It’s sometimes hard to listen to another when they are repeating what they’ve heard rather than exerting some critical thought. Other times there is outright denial, no matter how many facts there are. I find it hopeful with the latest controversy over Confederate monuments that there were insightful conversations from a variety of viewpoints.
Joyce I found that an interesting discussion as well. I think many people figured out what they thought about monuments as they explored with others in conversation. If only we could go in with an open mind and do that more.
I love that your post about perspective ended by recommended 3 books – proving the point that literature broadens the mind. Books are an amazing way to drop in on the perspective of people whose lives are seemingly far different from our own. I will look for these books.
Reba I hope you enjoy them. I love to be transported through novels!
I couldn’t agree more. I once heard that people are wired to “resistance.” They will always try to resist another person such that there is a filter all the time. Therefore, there is a problem with communication.